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*CHAPTER FIVE: “In which we ask, ‘Y Kant Rec Dryv?’ And we get our first taste of crunchy and nutritious Slatery goodness!”*
INT: “LOST SOULS” FORUM- CRANKYLAND HELL
(In a truly screwed up scene, a baby deer trots down to the deepest inner circle of Crankyland Hell. There, she meets her Evil Master, for whom she has new information from her and her fellow spies.)
ANOTHER EVIL SPY: (a little like a sheep) “Mah! Maaah! Mah!!!”
SATAN: “Ha ha ha, good! The tahm is very soon now!”
(She turns to those awful things she made out of Grundle and X-man.)
SATAN’S NEW MINIONS: (scary demonic
growl) “Grrrrrrrrr…….?”
SATAN: “Soon, mah pets, soon! Someone’s about to break through the Eighth Dimension, and you can hitch a ride with them! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!”
EXT: “VERTICAL LIMIT” FORUM, BIG EMPTY AREA NEXT TO THE MOUNTAIN
(The Lord High Justice Wreck and the Most Holy Pope and Overall Badass Wulfgar stand aside the great Li-Mouse-Ine of Justice. It’s only going to get worse, people.)
WRECK: (climbing into the drivers seat) “Now that we’ve got the Oscillation Overthruster working, we’ll be able to travel through the Eighth Dimension.”
WULF: “Remind me again why we want to be able to do that?”
WRECK: (shrugs) “It’s in the script. (twitches) Well, see ya.”
WULF: “But what if it doesn’t work? What if you end up stuck between dimensions? What if there are dangerous creatures in the Eighth dimension and one of them eats you? Seriously! You could end up dead in the Eighth Dimension and we wouldn’t even know it! (pauses, grins wickedly) Er, would I then become leader if that happened?”
(Wreck certainly can not pay attention to Wulfgar right now as there’s a mountain careening towards him at Warp Nine. At the Very Last Second, because it’s dramatic, the Overthruster kicks in and Lord Wreck finds himself in the Eighth Dimension!
The Eighth Dimension.
It is very strange and mysterious. It is all pure white. There is a square-shaped hole seemingly cut into the whiteness. The Wreck sticks his head through the hole. Then he climbs through the hole and plays with some shoes. Some children arrive out of nowhere and they dance around for a bit. Then everybody climbs inside their own big white box. Then somebody offscreen who is holding a beaker full of something so that we can see it onscreen pours another chemical into it, making it overflow with foam. Then the censors come and cut that last bit out.)
WRECK: “Woah…”
(He returns from the Eighth Dimension full of awe and wonder. He’s also completely oblivious that his fun trip let loose a bunch of evil beings from another dimension whom we aren’t concerned with in this story but fuck things up royally in one of the Bizarro-Crankylands. If anyone thinks that is a cool idea for a spin-off of this fanfic, well, have hours and hours of fun writing it yourself.)
WRECK: “Wow.”
WULF: “I don’t think you came back alone!”
WRECK: ‘Ah, shit. (pause) Ah, SHIT!!!!!”
(They run away just in time to not get run over by a steamroller, a Boredom Machine, and a stampede of man- eating Monkey Butlers.)
WRECK: “That’s weird. All those things killed people in other fanfics.”
WULF: “Gallopin’ Gorgons! That can only vaguely indicate one thing! (He whips out a little communication device of some kind or other) All Crankydestined be on full alert! (Squints dramatically) *SOMEBODY* has taken their love of Crankyland fanfics TOO FAR!!!”
MALE VOICE: “Then you’d better start avoiding kittens, I suppose?”
(The Crankydestined wheel around to greet the sudden appearance of…)
WULF: “Well, well. Senator Bulworth.”
(The Senator is, for some reason, dressed like a Jedi Knight and acting rather Wise and Mysterious.)
BULLY: (bows) “As you know, I was an apprentice to Mayor Bob a few years ago.”
(Out of nowhere, the Mad-Ness Monster swoops past wearing a shit-eating grin and a banner.)
BANNER: “Shameless Self-Promotion!!!”
NESS: “*coughs loudly* Checkoutthe”Matrix”forum. *coughs* NotheOTHERCranky”Matrix”parody! *COUGH* TheonethatSUCKSassratherthanKICKSit!!! *cough*” (leaves)
(Uh, where was I? Oh yeah.)
BULLY: (looks confused for a second, then recovers) “Yes, well, I suppose you wouldn’t mind if I asked you a favor then?”
WRECK: “Yeah, sure, why the hell not?”
BULLY: (bows again) “As well you should accept this quest on the Mayor’s request, being he who inadvertently destroyed his crude, humanoid form.”
WRECK: (doesn’t know how to respond to that) “…”
BULLY: (cheerful) “Worry not. Just rest assured that he has transcended to a new and more powerful state. One that could kill all of us just by thinking real hard! And you helped!”
DIRECTOR: “I *died* when I proofread this part, just so you know.”
BULLY: “Would you mind assembling your team of, uh, Cranky Destined as soon as possible? (pointed stare) You must all help me find The One.”
AUDIENCE: “Wait, that reminds us! If Bob’s gone, who’s Mayor now? Holy flirking shnit, if Junkyard Dog’s gone, who the hell is King?!?”
ALL THREE CRANKIZENS: “SHHHH!!!!!”
WULF: (a little miffed like, “You mean I’m *not* The One?”) “Just who is this One anyway?”
BULLY: (fixed stare) “It is he who, through his very presence, will bring Order to this land.”
EXT: “PRINCESS MONONOKE” FORUM- ANCIENT FOREST
(And we’re suddenly back in the Ancient Forest with Darker Mad-Ness. Bulworth continues describing The One and his special powers and the like as a Voice-Over.)
BULLY: (voice-over) “This Crankizen, nay, this God Amongst Crankizens, will through his very presence also bring balance back to this fanfic. We are not worthy to let him grace this story. Indeed, the Director bows to his postings. She has printed out every last thing she’s ever seen him write and used them to create a paper maché sculpture in her front lawn, which she makes the neighborhood kids give presents to every night. Okay, not really, but she would if she were really insane and obsessed.”
(Darker Mad-Ness hears something approaching across the pond and looks up to see the Great Forest Dæmon of Crankyland. It resembles a massive deer but with a big, spherical purple head. It gazes at Darker Mad-Ness…)
BULLY: (voice-over continued) “Tell me, who is the baddest?”
(The spirit and the robot/clone stare at each other in a moment of dangerously wild tension.)
BULLY: (voice-over continued) “Who’s the meanest?”
(The Dæmon’s eyes flare.)
BULLY: (voice-over continued) “Who’s the prettiest? (I don’t write the scripts to cheesy 80s movies, I just quote ‘em.)”
(A large shadow falls over the Dæmon…)
BULLY: (Voice-over continued) “HE is coming. Oh, God yes.”
(…and the shadow solidifies into a big car with a small screaming creature at the wheel, flattening the deerlike spirit. We can finally see clearly that the new arrival in the car is Slater.)
BULLY: (voice-over concluded) “HE is here.”
SLATER: “Sweet buttered Christ!!!”
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