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*CHAPTER TEN: "In Which a Lot of People Violently Die!"*
EXT: "HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL" FORUM - FRONT YARD
(Slater and Bad Gwendle and Bickle [and, I tell ya, my Microsoft Word is having a fucking field day with these names] stare up at Senator Bulworth, awaiting their instructions.)
AUDIENCE: "And so are we! Now out with it!"
BULLY: (ominously) "I will try to be brief as there isn't much time and I'm a little peeved at having my characterization be way the hell off.
"Now, I see that the Bush Tits summoned you all here quickly. That is good. I can now explain that I was an apprentice to Mayor Bob and he was on the threshold of an incredible discovery.
"He believed that whereas we all thought that Crankyland is merely some random internet message board that just happened to spawn it's own mini-subculture, the Truth is far more unbelievable. That which we call the Real World, that strange three-dimensional place that exists outside the computer monitor is in fact but a shadow of…
"Why are you all looking at me so funny?"
(His students are indeed trying very hard not to laugh at him.)
SLATER: "You said… (snicker snicker) You said… (he he he) You said… BA- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!"
(Slater falls to the ground laughing his ass off, convulsing and crying and so on. All because, in case you didn't notice, the good senator referred to our friends the kawii little *Psaltriparus minimuses* by their more informal name.
Bush Tit.)
AUDIENCE: (scared shitless) "Bush Tit?!?"
DIRECTOR: "I *swear* it's a real animal. I am NOT making that name up. I seriously wish I was."
SLATER: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
GWEN: "Psst, can you calm down there, killer? This part is important!"
BICKLE: "He he he he he he he… That is pretty fuckin' funny."
GWEN: (rolls eyes) "MEN! Sorry, Bulworth. I'm paying attention. I'll fill those two clowns in later."
BULLY: "O…kay… Anyway, Bob found out that it's possible that Crankyland is real whereas the 'Real World' isn't."
AUDIENCE: "What about all the other message boards on the internet? Are they real? Does that make them all alternate dimensions or something? Oh, wait, sometimes the setting of this fic is called 'Planet Cranky', so are the other message boards more like other planets?"
BULLY: "Shhhhh!!!!!"
GWEN: (profound) "Woah…"
BULLY: "He was testing to see what cool things one could do once one realizes that cyberspace is reality. Or, that reality is cyberspace… great, now I'm confused. Anyhow, he taught me some of these cool things and I promised that if he died violently in this Insane Crossover, I would train others in… The Secrets. Those who master The Secrets will bring order and balance to our world. We will expect Great Things from the Master of the Secrets."
(A cell phone rings.)
BICKLE: "Haw haw haw haw huh? Oh, (answers his phone) hello? Okay, yell real loud and I'll turn up the volume so everyone can hear."
C.F.L.: (on the other end of the line) "THIS IS STARTING TO SOUND PRETTY DAMN FAMILIAR, YOU KNOW!!! (hangs up)"
(Well, in my defense, it IS a crossover. <:)
BULLY: "Your first test will be to survive the rest of the night in this haunted house. Hmm, you know, if the party started at ten-ish, and Munsch -or Nick rather- attacked at Midnight, and the latest chapter lasted for a couple of hours, then it's about four in the morning. Huh. Oh well. Now get going! This is the fun part!"
(Bulworth's Chosen Few enter the Haunted House.
Meanwhile…)
INT: "HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL" FORUM - HAUNTED SECOND-FLOOR HALLWAY
(As I said before, the house has gone apeshit. Um, I think it has something to do with the fact that both Mia Wallace and Nick the Knife were brutally murdered in it. Yeah, that's the ticket!
Anyhow, the ghosts of some dead Crankizens are starting to crawl out of the walls in order to kill the Cranky Brigade AND the Crankydestined *AND* a bunch of kind of random people who are either going to hang out with either of those teams in future episodes or will die some time later on in this chapter..)
A BUNCH OF RANDOM CRANKIZENS WHO DIE IN A FUTURE SCENE IN THIS CHAPTER: "WHAT???? AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
T.W.E.P.: "Boooooo! 'Sailor Moon' roooooooools!!!"
ROY FOLTRIG: "Booooooo! Heyyy, I'm a Brigadeeeeeeer! I am supposed to be innnnn this!!!!!"
NICE TASTY SALAD: "Booooooo! Eeeeeeat meeeeeeee!!!!!"
HANUMAN: "Booooooo! Behold, I am the Monnnnnnkey Kiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!"
A BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE I CAN BARELY
REMEMBER: "Boooooooo!!!! Insert oft-repeated 'catch
phrase' here!!!!!!!!!"
CRANKIZENS: "AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!"
(The Crankydestined and the Cranky Brigadiers who are still alive along with the other random people [some of whom are randomly wearing red shirts] are displaying a marked increase in intelligence right now. Instead of scattering in all different directions, they have decided to travel all together in one big sort-of pack thing.
Actually, maybe it has nothing to do with strategy except for it makes it less easy for the Director to loose track of the important characters, thus accidentally killing them.)
BIG PACK O'CRANKIZENS: "What?!?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(The Big Pack O'Crankizens runs into a little room that not all of them can fit in. They toss out Mon Cul and Wrath of Dog.)
MONCUL: "No! No!!!!"
WOD: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Some evil supernatural beings approach the two forsaken Crankizens and drag them both into the wall where they will be tortured for ninety-six thousand years.)
DIRECTOR: (smug smile) "Got that one from an Irish fairy tale!"
AUDIENCE: "We don't care what your inspiration is so long as it's fucking awesome! MORE BLOOD!!! MORE BLOOD!!!!!"
DIRECTOR: "Well, okay."
(More ghosts and various parts of the house try to kill the Big Pack O'Crankizens. Joe Average trips and falls! An elevator door opens and a wave of blood pours out, drowning him.)
JOE: (drowning) "ULP! ULP! OH, BLOOD? EEEEEYUUUUH!!!!!! ULP! ACK!"
AUDIENCE: "Ugh, that was a bit much."
BIG PACK O'CRANKIZENS: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
(Meanwhile, the Chosen Few arrive in the Library of the Haunted House…)
BICKLE: "EEEEEYUUUUH!!!!!!"
(…via the Living Room. Misnamed as it is, given the circumstances.)
SLATER: "Gross! Not two seconds into this {ahem} Test, and we've already stepped in some Wulf-guts. If that isn't a bad omen, I don't know what is."
GWEN: "Huh. I thought stepping in dead barbarian was *good* luck?"
(Her fellows stare at her, turning pale.)
BICKLE: "Uh, let's go into the library."
(They do.)
SLATER: "Okay, it's about three, maybe four hours until dawn. We can just wait in here and read."
BICKLE AND GWEN: "Okay."
(The Chosen Few select interesting looking books from the haunted library and start reading.)
ALL: "Reading is FUN, kids! And if nobody ever read, then the magical Fantasia* Empire would be destroyed by some Ultimate Evil!"
AUDIENCE: "Yes, but it's is boring as all get out watching you read when there could be VIOLENCE going on elsewhere in this very house!"
(Speaking of which…)
BIG PACK
O'CRANKIZENS: "AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!"
(They're all in the kitchen of the Haunted House. A table, chair, and refrigerator spring to life and attack them. The Big Pack O'Crankizens throw Startled Cat and Old Yorkshireman to the appliances.)
YORK: "Oche?"
CAT: "Meow?"
EVIL KITCHEN THINGS: "Ha ha ha! We will now kill these two characters that haven't ever appeared in this story until now and are actually really minor players in the real forums anyway!"
(The Jack-Em-Up Jackal makes a note of that.)
JACKAL: "I'm about to make an important observation here! Did you notice that the house is killing people that haven't ever been in this story until now? Ha ha ha! We're all immune!"
(Suddenly some gargoyles come to life.)
GOLIATH: "And we LIVE AGAIN!!!"
BROOKLYN: "Hot shit. Hey, let's kill that little dog."
LEXINGTON: (agonizing falsetto) "Okay!"
(The gargoyles stomp Jack-Em-Up Jackal into puppy pate. The remaining Crankydestined are stunned!)
CRANKYDESTINED: "Uh… with all due respect… not really."
INGRID NEWKIRK: "I don't like this fan fiction! It has too much cruelty to animals in it!"
(The floor opens up under the PeTA president, dumping her into a gigantic meat grinder a la that banned Nine Inch Nails video. OR, if you prefer -and HERE's an interesting double standard for you- that retarded and NOT banned Limp Bizkit video. Harrumph.)
KEN: "Wait! Pink Floyd did the same thing in 'the Wall', and VH-1's shown the individual videos from it for years. They didn't cut a damn thing!"
(…)
KEN: "It's true."
(Yes… I know that. I just chose not to mention it because it ruins the point I was trying to make, which is that Limp Bizkit, who suck ass, can get away with anything they want on account of Mtv is in love with them for God only knows what reason.
*Anyhow*, the grinded-up meat is fed to rats and chickens, who, on the planet Ingrid is from, are more important that AIDs patients and Holocaust victims, respectively.)
RATS AND CHICKENS: "Yum!"
BIG PACK
O'CRANKIZENS: "AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!"
(Meanwhile, in the library…)
SLATER: "I wonder if this house has any history we should know about. For plot purposes."
GWEN: "Funny you should ask. It was built by an eccentric millionaire Crankizen named Simon the Great, who was rumored to be able to suck out the souls of other Crankizens and trap them in crystals, which he displayed in a rather cool-looking Chandelier Of Evil. It is said that this man was able to do these evil things because he had the Mechanics of the Plot on his side. You wanna know why?"
BICKLE: "Well, fuck, you're going to tell us anyway! You're just pausing for suspense!"
GWEN: "Yesss… You are correct."
(And, so, Bad Gwendle told everyone the Reason that Simon the Eccentric Millionaire was, in effect, Blessed by the Mechanics of the Plot! It is very shocking and the Audience is Surprised!)
GWEN: "It is said that Monsieur LeBon was adopted as a child by Plot Mechanics and raised by them!"
AUDIENCE: "Gasp!!!"
(And, suddenly, the painting of Simon hanging in the library has got a skull painted over its face! There are also ominous messages written in BLOOD on the walls!)
OMINOUS MESSAGE: "!retalS emoh emocleW"
ANOTHER OMINOUS MESSAGE: "!!!yltneloiV ieD lliw lla ro tuo teG"
YET ANOTHER OMINOUS MESSAGE: "!ereh gniyas er'ew tahw tuo erugif ot gniyrt er'uoy fi derob LEAR eb tsum uoy ,naM"
CHOSEN
FEW: "AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Meanwhile…)
BIG PACK
O'CRANKIZENS: "AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!"
(The ominous messages have spread throughout the house!)
OMINOUS MESSAGE: "!traB pu kciP"
ANOTHER OMINOUS MESSAGE: "!!!srorrim :detnaW"
YET ANOTHER OMINOUS MESSAGE: "?!?he ecno *ekoj* a sa siht did iksnimaK ,ekil oS"
YET *ANOTHER* OMINOUS MESSAGE: "!!!ymmuy era selttikS"
BIG PACK
O'CRANKIZENS: "AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!! You know, can we say something else, maybe, besides
screaming all the time?"
THE HOUSE: (distracting
them) "EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"
(Simon the Great comes to life!)
MSSR LEBON: "Moovin' threw tha floor now, BABE! Yer a SOOPER COOOL burd of PARADIZZZZZE!!!!!!!!"
(First, he attacks the remaining extraneous characters!)
A BUNCH OF RANDOM CRANKIZENS WHO DIE IN THIS SCENE: "WHAT???? AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *ACK*"
LUCIFER: "Oh, shit! LOOK!!!"
BIG PACK O'CRANKIZENS: "There aren't any non-important characters to throw to the House left! Ooh, wait, except for Becky Sharp!"
BECKY: "WHAT?!?"
(Becky Sharp is thrown to Simon the Great, who sends her Nonexistent Evil Impostors, Becky Dull, Becky Obtuse, Becky Blunt Object and Becky Streemofcreamedcorn[???] to kill her!)
BECKY: (getting her nice, new red shirt ruined) "Yay! I've made it!"
(As Becky dies violently in this fanfiction, the rest of the Big Pack O'Crankizens ends up in the Library!)
SIMON: "ALL WILL DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GIT OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU HOMO LOOSERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
SLATER: "Yeah, fuck everything!"
(Slater frees all of the sad ghost Crankizens from being trapped in the house. This happens in a veritable orgy of cheesy looking CGI animation. Fortunately, he finishes just in time before the last petal on the enchanted rose falls. The spirits are free and the house returns to it's former gorgeous Gothic glowing-ness.)
AUDIENCE: "Huh?"
(Instead of a scary castle with gargoyles and dead trees and ice and such, it's now a pretty castle with sad angels and snow and stained glass and such.
Anyway, everybody hugs and cries cause they're happy and because they get to go home.)
CRANKY BRIGADE: "Yay! This stupid part of the story is over! Let's all sing!"
(Red and Violet start the fun sing-along, even though the Director never went out of her way to memorize the lyrics to this song.)
RED: "So denied!"
VI: "So I lied!"
BOTH: "Are you the now or never kind?"
DIRECTOR: "What?"
RED: "Wanna stay!"
VI: "Not to go!"
BOTH: "I wanna ditch the logical! Here's a toast, to all those who hear me all too well!"
ALL BRIGADIERS: "Here's to the nights we felt alive! Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry! Here's to good bye to-mor-rows gonna come too soon!"
ALL CRANKYDESTINED: "AUGH!!! Make it stop!"
(And, so, as the sun sets on this Episode, all the surviving Crankizens head off to their headquarters.)
CRANKYDESTINED: "And the sooner, the better! We're even MORE scared of the Brigade now!!!"
MENDO: "Yeaaaaah… fuck you. He he he he ffffff-FUCK you if ya don' like us savin' yer guy an' doin' 'sperimens on 'im."
(Well, the Lord High Justice didn't hear about THIS fun little detail.)
WRECK: "Wha-aa-at???"
KEN: (shaking his head) "It… just…I…"
NESS: (interrupting both of them) "NEXT EPISODE!!!"
PSEU: "You unappreciative… (suddenly angry) You'll see! You'll all see soon enough! If we aren't going to get along, or work together or whatever, this'll only end badly! Because there is ONE MORE OF US!!!"
(Indeed, the Crankydestined have lost six members! There were ten of them. They lost six. So NOW there's… uh… TWELVE! There's twelve of them left! And fish are sooper cool!!! [drools all over self])
CRANKYDESTINED: "OH, SHIT, SHE'S RIGHT!!! AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(The Crankydestined flee. This baffles the Cranky Brigade, but they shake it off and return to their headquarters.
So that leaves Bulworth's chosen few. Oh, and Bad Gwendle's pet demons. I guess that includes Lucifer G 61.)
LUCIFER: (cat stretch) "Eh, might as well."
BULLY: "Well done, all.
BUBBLES: "Hi-yah!!!"
SLATER: "Ah, shit. We forgot about her. Why couldn't the house eat her too?"
(Bulworth traps Bubbles Powerpuff in an invisible magic box.)
AUDIENCE: "Hey, she looks kind of cute stuck in there!"
BUBBLES: "AHHH! WHAT THE FUCK! YOU FUCKING CUNTRAG BASTARD! I'LL FRY YOUR ASS-LICKING BRAINS OUT THE MINUTE I GET OUT OF THIS FUCKING THING!!!"
BULLY: (operatic singing) "Who knows? Even this foul creature could be… of use… to MEEEEEEE!!!!!"
(Bulworth teleports the box with Bubbles in it to some kind of secret hiding place. The Chosen Few are stunned.)
BICKLE: "WOW! Sweet! Are we going to learn how to zap people we hate into other dimensions like that?"
BULLY: "Uhhh… Well… Not really. I mean you aren't supposed to use it for that. Anyway, you all did excellent on this test, especially Slater, to the surprise of nobody I guess. BUT we can cover all of that in the next episode. Let's off to the magic castle where you'll learn the Secrets and stuff."
DIRECTOR: "Heh heh, you DO realize what direction this is going in, don't you?"
AUDIENCE: "No."
(Bad Gwendle starts off on the journey with the others but is sidetracked by something odd near the woods. Apparently, the Director has figured she might as well vaguely foreshadow something that will be important MUCH later in the story [trust me, I've got a main story arc in mind].)
GWEN: (coming to the realization of what she might be looking at) "Oh my God. BULWORTH!!!"
(There is a pile of slime-encrusted bones, seemingly wrapped in hair and fabric. It is topped by what might have once been a Red Sox cap.)
BULLY: (gravely) "We must travel faster. These are *undigested remains*…"
*TO BE CONTINUED*
* Or Fantastica, as in the original novel, if you prefer.
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