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CHAPTER FOUR: "In Which we do Ignatz the Mouse damn Proud!"
EXT: "JUNGLE TO JUNGLE" FORUM - DISNEY STUDIO STORE
GHOST?: (like an evil Santa Clause) "OH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO! SEW! We meet ach-ain ya loimee BAAS-TAHD!"
KEN: "Wha?"
GHOST?: "Och, I shudd pop yer bluudy skull open, ye little crap!"
KEN: "What?"
GHOST?: "Ohhh… sew ye THEENK yo' prutty smaht, don'cha Charmenskeh?"
KEN: "Char? (shakes it off) Look, oh mighty Ghost of Wulfgar -or whatever- either kill me right now so I don't have to listen to you murder the language anymore or tell me what you want from me."
GHOST?: (long pause) "Wot th'ell? FURST of awl, I en't a ghost! I'm a clone! Aye, there be aboot ten o'fifty-sevin differunt 'Ulfgahz runnin' aboot what are all exac'ly the same. I're known as 'Ulfgah 010."
KEN: (baffled) "Oh…"
WULF010: "Aye, t'is incredible wot 'ey con dew wit' a wee 'air sample. Whoops, sorry 'ere."
KEN: (rubbing his new bald spot) "OW! FUCK! What the hell is WRONG with you!"
WULF010: "N'aught a damn thing!!! Now, eye're ye goin' ta laurn 'ow t'use 'ose mine powehs o'yours wit' me OR I'll 'afta kill ye afore ya become some kinda insane supervillain wot slopps 'is goots all o'er ye landscape afore imploding or som'in'!"
(This is as good a time as any to say that the Scottish side of my mom's family is from SO long ago [like, a granddad's granddad's granddad ect.] that it was probably bred out by my time or something.)
KEN: (obviously lying) "Um, I'm thinking of rampaging the city and stuff. You'd better kill me now."
(He doesn't.)
EXT: "VERTICAL LIMIT" FORUM - SNOWY MOUNTAIN TOP
(Mount Vertical Limit is the tallest, most beautiful mountain in all of Crankyland. Tall, majestic pines dot its surface. Large, majestic animals dwell in these forests, often stopping in clearings to stand still and look majestic.
And the entire mountain is covered in snow. A pristine mantle of white lays on the ground, the kind of snow you remember from your childhood. The kind of snow that today's sissy little flurries can't hope to compete with [damn global warming]. The Salvation Army band plays, and the children drunk lemonade, and the morning lasted all day. All day. YEAH-YEAH!!!)
CHORUS: "Eh-HEY-OH-MA-MA-MA! Wi-ninonia-yah! HEY-OH-MA-MA- MA! Ey-yee-ay-ee-yaaaahhhhh!!!!!"
DARKER NESS: ~SILENCE!!!!!~
(Darker Mad-Ness wanders around the mountain until she meets an Oracle.)
DARKER NESS: ~WHO ARE YOU? AND WHY SHOULD I NOT KICK YOUR ASS?~
ORACLE: "Wow, you've got a LOT of stress don't you?"
DARKER NESS: ~HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?~
ORACLE: "Duh, I'm an Oracle. I know everything. They call me the Misenthropic Bitch."
DARKER NESS: ~A-HA! SINCE YOU KNOW ALL, YOU CAN TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT MY TRUE DESTINY IS!~
MEB: "I wouldn't go that far. That'd ruin the story. But I can give you some advice. Now, you have it in your head that there's something important that you're meant to be doing, but you haven't found out what it is yet, right?"
DARKER NESS: ~INDEED, YES.~
MEB: "Well, I say just re-freakin'-LAX! If you're really meant to be waiting for your true purpose, then so be it. But if you keep worrying about it, you'll never be able to just enjoy yourself."
DARKER NESS: ~SOMETHING NEW IS BOTHERING ME NOW. YOU'RE NOT ALL THAT MISANTHROPIC. ALSO, THERE IS NO SUCH WORD AS MISENTHROPIC! ~
MEB: "Here, have a brownie. When you're finished eating it, you'll forget your troubles for a while and be able to think about something else for once."
DARKER NESS: (confused) ~UM, I'M NOT SURE I HAVE A MOUTH.~
MEB: "Yeah, of course you do. There it is. (lifts Dark- Ness' helmet [unless that's her actual skull?] and points it out) Now, I know we're in Cyberspace here, so the brownies aren't real, but I've found the Special Ingredient still works."
DARKER NESS: ~IS "LOVE" THE SPECIAL INGREDIENT?~
MEB: "You could say that. (smirks)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!"
DIRECTOR: "I think I'm going to end this scene before it gets any worse."
EXT: "I.Q." FORUM - COOL X-FILES LOOKING PLACE THAT URI GELLER MIGHT HAVE HUNG OUT IN
WULF010: "Awl ess POICE! Awl ess CAWLM!!! Reach OWT wit' yer MINE! An' mouve 'at BRICK!!!"
KEN: "Sorry, but my psychic energy is probably better spent on composing a soliloquy to my last shred of dignity left prior to this scene… holy shit! (the brick is hovering right at his eye-level) Woah, that's actually kind of cool. (then it hits him in the face) OW! FUCK!!!"
WULF010: "OCHE-AI!!! Ye con't break yeer consintra-shun ye flame-crestid sawk o' regurgitatid moonkey intrahls! NOW, AWL is POICE!!! MOOVE 'AT FRAZARKIN' BRICK!!!"
KEN: "Fine, if it means you will eventually shut up and leave me alone. (the brick hovers up over Wulf's head, then right above his head… then it immediately zips over to right over Ken's head and drops down on it) AGH! *ack!* (drops to the ground, knocked out)"
(Star-wipe, a-a-and…)
LONE PERSON IN THE AUDIENCE: "Wait! Before we go on here, whatever happened to Grundle and X-Man?"
DIRECTOR: "Um, since it looks like you're the only person here who cares, I figured I'd hold off on that subplot until, oh, around Christmas."
LONE PERSON: "Oh."
(Where were we? Star-wipe, a-a-and…)
INT: "NURSE BETTY" FORUM - CRANKYLAND SCHOOL NURSE OFFICE TYPE PLACE
(Wulfgar010 [or whatever] is in a bad disguise to talk to Dr. Ceaser Backside. He doesn't want anyone to know he's back… sort of.
You know, I don't really understand how it works either. It's like a piece of blank paper knowing exactly what it's like to be a Dürer lithograph.)
WULF10: "Arrrr! Oi'm ye HAWLIDAY ARGH-MADILLO!!!"
DR. BACKSIDE: "I see. (points to Ken lying on the cot and babbling peacefully) So what's his story?"
KEN: "Unnnngh… brick?"
WULF10: "Och, 'ee gut 'it in 'is for'ead wit' a brick THUURTEE-SIVIN times."
KEN: "Home Depot made my brick!"
(The Director hangs her head in shame.)
WULF10: "End on ye thuurtee-athe time, ye brick broke."
DR. BACKSIDE: "Hmm, okay, I'm going to show you some pictures and objects, and you tell me what they are. Then we'll know whether or not you're little brick adventure made you permanently insane!"
KEN: "Okay-brick. (Dr. Backside shows him a pen…) Pen- brick. (a fish) Fish-brick. (a picture of a spaceship) Ship- brick (and an actual brick) AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Upon seeing the real brick, Ken screams bloody murder and hides under the cot and cries and cries. Backside looks at Wulgar 010… or the Holiday Armadillo… God, this chapter's retarded!)
DR. BACKSIDE: "He should be fine."
EXT: "VERTICAL LIMIT" FORUM - MOUNTAIN
(Darker Mad-Ness is STILL searching for her true destiny.)
DARKER NESS: ~I DON'T UNDERSTAND. NOBODY I HAVE MET ON MY JOURNEY CAN HELP ME. WHAT IS THE POINT? I MIGHT AS WELL BEAT UP SOME WOOLLY MAMMOTHS FOR NO REAL REASON!~
(Darker Mad-Ness beats the shit out of some Woolly Mammoths for no reason. Probably she's either completely disillusioned with her quest or she's bored or probably both.)
MAMMOTH: (trumpeting) "UN-GAAAAAAAH!!!"
DARKER NESS: ~DIE!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! PERHAPS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE IS MY PURPOSE IN LIFE? I LIKE KILLING THINGS!!!!!~
(All of a sudden, she sees a tiny flower, an Analvice, that is about to be crushed under the massive feet of the Grandmother Mammoth [the herd's leader]. Dark-Ness starts to loose it. Whatever the "it" was that she had.)
GRANNY MAMMOTH: "UN-GAAAAAAAH!!!"
DARKER NESS: ~GASP! I HAVE ARBITRARILY DECIDED THAT, OF ALL THE CREATURES ON THIS MOUNTAIN RIGHT NOW, IT IS THAT ONE KIND OF UNIMPORTANT TINY FLOWER THAT I WILL SAVE! GOOD- BYE GRANDMOTHER MAMMOTH! TERROR-BALL O'NASTY HOT FLAMING DEATH!!!!!~
GRANNY MAMMOTH: "UN-GAAAAAAAH!!! Oh, shit!"
(Grandmother Mammoth is vaporized and her herd flees. Darker-Ness gently plucks one of the flowers off of the Analvice plant.)
DARKER NESS: ~SO, WHY THE HECK AM I STILL UNSATISFIED?~
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