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CHAPTER FIVE: "In Which Events Occur (and we Nitpick about a Detail probably only Mad-Ness Monster picked up on in the "Harry Potter" Trailer)"
INT: "PRACTICAL MAGIC" FORUM - PIGGYZIT'S GANJADOR DORM PLACE
SLATER: "Is anyone else getting really worried about the Director now? No, really, 'flame-crested sack of regurgitated monkey entrails'?"
(The Chosen Few, who really ought to think of a more interesting name for their little gang soon, are sitting around in a dorm that is nicer then any actual school dorm in existence. It's got a big fireplace, big cozy chairs, and a bunch of friendly ghosts handing out hot cocoa and brownies (made with -ahem- Love). One ghost flies in a bit more rapidly than normal to announce something.)
GHOST: "Hello, Chosen Few Who Need a More Interesting Team Name Stat. Please report downstairs to get your familiars assigned."
INT: "PRACTICAL MAGIC" FORUM - PIGZIT'S MAIN HALL
BULLY: "Welcome all to Getting the Assignment of Obligatory Cute Non-Human Sidekicks Thing Accomplished!"
(Apparently, the Chosen Few [okay, that's it. I'm leaving it to the Loyal Audience. What should this new team be called?] are the only students at Piggyzit. The only other creatures in the room besides the three of them are Bulworth, Lucifer G. 61, Bubbles Powerpuff, and a small animal sitting on Bulworth's desk. It appears to be badly hurt and is crying.)
AUDIENCE: "Wait, what about the Lovecraftian Horrors?"
GWEN: "Oh, they've all moved into the Lake of Demons. They met a lot of their college buddies while we crossed it."
SLATER: "So, is there some kind of stupid sentient hat that picks our familiars or what?"
BULLY: "Nope. You get to pick from whatever happens to be available. Either that or the critter picks *you*."
SLATER: "Okay, (points to the animal) so what the heck is that?"
BULLY: "Ah, him? That's my familiar, baby Norbert. I'm very proud of the little fellow. Baby dragons are a little tough to care for, but this one's not to difficult…"
NORBERT: "Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!"
BULLY: (whispers) "…except for the little handicap there."
(Senator Bulworth points out the very likely reason why Norbert keeps crying so hard. He is otherwise a perfectly normal young male Lesser Spangled Peist… but his front legs have been hacked off.
You see, in this wonderful magical land of three-headed dogs and one-horned unicorns, a six-limbed [four legs, two wings; as in the book illustrations, interestingly enough] dragon is anatomically improbable. Norbert is a *realistic* flying, fire-breathing Über-serpent*.)
NORBERT: "Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!"
(Lord knows what they've got in mind for the Phoenix in Book Two.)
LUCIFER: "I pick Bad Gwendle as my Pet Human!"
GWEN: "Well, okay. Unless this is just cause I've got the only supply of New Coke in Crankyland?"
NORBERT: "Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!"
BUBBLES: "I want Bickle!!! Even though that's the STUPIDEST FUCKING HANDLE IN THE WORLD!!!! WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN ANYWAY?!?"
BICKLE: "NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
SLATER: "Damn! There's nothing left! What the hell am I supposed to do?"
BULLY: "Uhh… well, this is one of those cases where the familiars pick their Pet Humans. So yours will find you soon. Maybe on your (dramatic pause) First Quest."
ALL BUT SLATER: "Yay!!! A Quest! A magical Quest! With wild animals and lost islands and dragons and magic swords and evil scientists! (excited gasp) It's gonna be just like 'the Wizard of OZ', but with more cussing!!!"
(To be honest, if you ask me, I think I could more accurately compare a really good week at Cranky's to _Alice in Wonderland_. With more cussing. And verbal fist-fights.
Anyway, our Hero is not happy.)
SLATER: "But *I* wont a familiar NAAAAOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!"
NORBERT: "Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!"
SLATER: "SHUT UP YOU STUPID WALLET-TO-BE!!!"
NORBERT: "Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!"
ALL: "Shut up!!!!"
BULLY: "Now, while we are in this magical place, we will study the Secrets! We will go on really cool adventures! We'll do all kinds of cool stuff! (long pause) OR we could just blaze up and listen to the 'Before These Crowded Streets' album over and over."
(They do that.)
DAVE: "This is the last stop!
HEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
BICKLE: "Yo… Those, like, secrets man?"
BULLY: "Uhhh… well, it's like, you have to realize yer whole body isn't something with such and such a weight and height an' all that. It's like, yer body is your THOUGHT. Nothing more than yer thought itself, in a form you can see. You know what I'm sayin? God, my ass is gorgeous nonetheless."
GWEN: (winces as she Partakes) "AH!!! I think… I think Drew might have snuck some Spice into this shit…"
DAVE: "Go ahead and dream! (the Director underlines this next line with her red crayon) Go ahead believe that you are the Cho-sen. O-a-a-unnne!!!!!!"
BULLY: "Unnn, y'all know what's REALLY whack? Any of you kids ever heard about… DOCTOR MORON???"
(Bulworth did not really raise his voice just then. That's just how Slater heard it. The camera zips up to his terrified face, initiating the REALLY SAD FLASHBACK!)
WAYNE AND GARTH: "Diddly-boop! Diddly-boop! Diddly-boop!"
EXT: "IRON MONKEY" FORUM - HIGHLY ROMANTICIZED, SEPIA-TONE FARM PLACE
(As Pink Floyd's "Breathe" plays quietly on the soundtrack, we see a very cute scene with Slater as a lad merrily playing in a highly romanticized sepia-tone farm place.)
YOUNG SLATER: (has had waaaaay too much sugar) "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(After he gets that lung crampage that kids get when they run around at top speed for thirty minutes strait, he notices that something is out in the meadow scaring the cows.)
SOMETHING: "AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH, COWS!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH COOOOOOOWWWWWWSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
YOUNG SLATER: "AAAH???"
(Why, it's a kawii little Ring-Tailed Lemur!)
FARKLE: (of course) "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH?????"
YOUNG SLATER: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(A boy and his prosimian. It's a beautiful thing.
For the longest time, Farkle and Young Slater have a grand time playing the oh-so-innocent games of childhood. Peeing on the neighbor's vegetable plants, barfing in Old Man Slothrop's goldfish pond, lynching geeks, playing in traffic, mutilating Toadies. Until one day, they were having a grand old time riding their tricycle along the very edge of the Deep Impact crater when Something Terrible happened!)
DR MORON: (a vague shadowy form in the driver's seat of a gigantic black monster truck) "Bwahahahaha!!!"
(He guns the truck's engines! This isn't because the townsfolk have assigned him to end the scourge of their resident devil-child and his stupid monkey or anything. Dr. Moron is just an evil, evil guy!
Now, for the sake of our more sensitive readers, I won't say how Slater managed to get away at the last moment, but that Farkle ended up a skinny little black-and-white smear going down the wall of the crater, across the bottom of it, and halfway up the other side. I will say that Young Slater acquired a scar shaped like an Explodie the Nuke Rating during the incident and that he was basically traumatized for life!)
DR MORON: (driving away) "AH-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!"
YOUNG SLATER: "NOOOOOOOOooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
INT: "PRACTICAL MAGIC" FORUM - THE PRESENT AND PIGGYZIT'S
SLATER: "Fuck, now I'm depressed. (Here comes the inevitable!!!) Oh, great Wizard, sir, can I go back to Kansas?!?"
BULLY; "Uh…"
SLATER: "I wanna go see 'Crapping Donkey, Frowning Nut- Hatch!' It's supposed to kick seven types of ass according to the preview! The critics hated every nanosecond of it but I'm gonna see it anyway! It'll give me something to piss and moan about later!"
BULLY: "Err… sure. But there'd be no point to that scene."
SLATER: "Indeed…"
(And, suddenly, all the major characters from this Episode [even the ones who are in Sleepyland right now] are in the Magic Castle for a BIG POINTLESS MUSICAL NUMBER!!!)
SLATER: "There's no point to this scene! / This scene has no point! /We're just here for (beat) busy filler! / Naught to do with the plot! / The plot? We forgot!!! / We had ex- tra mo-ney! / For a big song and dance scene! / Now here's lots of extras on a big, elaborate set!!!"
(Suddenly they're all in a theater where there's a huge camera-shaped set on the stage. About a zillion extras in silly-ass costumes are singing and dancing with the Crankizens now.)
EVERYONE: "There's no point to this scene! / This scene has no point! /We're just here for (beat) busy filler! / Naught to do with the plot! / The plot? We forgot!!! / We had ex-tra mo-ney! / For a big song and dance scene! / Now let's watch scenes from some movie that'll go over Bubbles' head!!!"
(The movie starts showing as soon as everyone gets down from the stage and the set is removed. And it is "Taxi Driver"! No, actually it's "Bloated Fawn, Crunchy Frog". And it does, indeed, go way the hell over Bubbles Powerpuff's head.)
BUBBLES: "WHAT THE HELL? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS STUPID MOVIE! IT IS STUPID BECAUSE I DON'T GET IT!!!"
(Her attention is captured by a familiar, if woolly, face at the other side of the theater. Being Little Miss Subtlety, she immediately flies over to it's owner, blocking his view.)
BUBBLES: "You."
LLAMASEX: "Ah, what the fuck! Get out of my way! (recognizes who it is) MAAA-AA-AA-AAAHHH!"
(That last part's more fun if you say it out loud. Anyway, our favorite camelid has sounded the alarm call because Bubbles is showing him Something Disturbing!
It's the Little Stuffed Llamasex she got for last St. Crankmas McMother's O'Ween.
It's model is sweating through his wool.)
BUBBLES: "I idolize you, you know. You're not like the Others. (she lights on his fluffy cranium) You like the same things I do. Boiled leather. Glazed ham."
LLAMA: "Uh…"
BUBBLES: "And you hate this movie for the same reasons I do, right? Like, for example, that THEY'RE NOT EVEN TALKING NORMAL! WHY CAN'T THEY SAY ANY REAL WORDS? AND YOU CAN'T FLY IF YOU AREN'T A SUPERHERO SO WHY ARE THEY FLYING???"
(Suddenly something bloated, greenish, and plug-ugly charges through the movie screen. Everyone in the audience screams and flees. The Thing attacks Bulworth but he manages to get away. He lies dying in the orchestra pit and Slater goes over there.)
SLATER: "Duh, he might have a Last Request before his Big Nod!"
BULLY: "I'm not dead yet! *ack* You all must go on a Quest! *erk* Can't seem to… die. Taking me… FOREVER! Go! *ick* Go to Survivor Island! Dr. Moron… is hiding out there and you must… avenge Farkle! Or something! The Elements… are inside… ME!!!"
SLATER: "Wait! I don't understand!"
BULLY: (dies) "ACK!!!"
SLATER: "Well, shit!"
(Slater and the other [enter more interesting name for the Chosen Few here] run out of the theater and head to the Convenient Island Shuttle Boat, piloted by Plot Mechanics. Bubbles is too stupid to even have a survival instinct so she just hovers there until Bickle groans and drags her out of the theater in a butterfly net. The Evil Thing roars and gnashes it's awful felt teeth!)
THING: "ROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAR!!!!! Blah blah blah!!!!"
* Yes, I know there's such a thing (so to speak) as a Wyvern, which is a dragon with two wings and two legs. But I'm pissing and moaning because if you look in the book, Norbert is *definitely* not a Wyvern. (points to self and chants "Geek, geek, geek...")
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