Post a response to this discussion thread
CHAPTER TEN: “One Slothy Second”
(The brave team called –ugh- Slater Force…)
AUDIENCE: “Groan!!!”
(Hey, look. I said you guys could pick and Slater was the first to come up with something, so if you don’t like it, piss and moan at him...
...oh, wait... right. *snif*
Anyhow, they continue walking through the jungle on the way to Dr. Moron’s Scary Cave O’Evil. But, suddenly, they are sidetracked!)
FEMALE VOICE: “HEEEEELLLLLLP!!!!!!”
MALE VOICE: “Yessszzzzz… PLEASE help zzzzz….”
BUBBLES: “Who the hell are you two?”
(One of the new characters is a big slutty chick. The other is a ground sloth wearing a plaid flannel shirt around his waist like a kilt.)
SKILLY: “Oh, you HAVE to help us find our son!!!”
GWEN: “Euwww! You two had a kid?”
SLOTHROP: “Hell, Crankyland’s populated with humans and talking animals and talking other, random things. It was bound to happen eventually.”
SLATER FORCE: “Ah, jeez!”
SKILLY: “PLEEEEEASE help us find our BAYYYY-BEEEEEE???? We have to find Slopilly, then bring him to The Beach!”
SLOTH: “Everything will be good when we get to The Beach! Will you please help us find him?
BUBBLES: “YES!!!”
LUCIFER: “Piss off, ya git! Of course we’re not going to!!!”
(Lucifer hurls some kind of demonic fireball of nasty spicy pain at Bubbles, which blows a gaping hole through her body. But she doesn’t die because she is too stupid.)
SLATER: “Uhh… Can we just find the little bastard?”
SKILLY: (bitch-slapping Slater into the next time zone) “MY SON IS NOT A BASTARD HE IS A BEAUTIFUL CREATURE AND I LOVE HIM!!!!”
(Skilly and Slothrop start singing “With Arms Wide Open” really loud, over and over again.)
EVERYONE ELSE: “AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! WE’LL FIND YOUR WONDERFUL GOLDEN CHILD!!!”
BICKLE: “Huh. This is kind of weird. There was only one other Cranky wizard-guy in training who ever helped a sloth find his son.”
SLATER: (really quiet) “Nooooo…..!”
ALL: “DR. MORON!!!!!!”
SLATER: “Waaahhhhh……..!”
(They walk through the jungle until they reach the place where the biggest trees on the island grow. Suddenly, it’s almost as if they can hear…)
SLOPILLY’S VOICE: (sounds like it’s coming from above) “WHEWE’S SWOPIWWYYYYY?????!!!!!!?????”
SKILLY: (looks up in a tree) “OH MY GOD, MY BABY!!!!!!!!!”
(Yes, little Slopilly’s stuck at the top of the tallest tree in the forest! He wants his mommy to get him down, and mommy Skilly wants to try and get up there and rescue him. That’s the gist of the following exchange, which I’m giving to you now as you will soon see that these two can apparently only communicate by screaming at each other.)
SLOPILLY: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
SKILLY: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!”
SLOPILLY: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH AHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!??!!!”
SKILLY: “AAAAAHHHHHH AH AHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!”
SLATER: “SWEET BUTTERED CHRIST!!! If you two don’t shut up, then a bunch of Asskickasaurs are going to run over here and kill us! Do you want that?!?”
SLOPILLY: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! !!!!”
SKILLY: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII (comes up for air) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAIIIII!!!!!”
BUBBLES: “If I were a fishy I’d SCREEAAAM SCREEEAM SSSSSSSSSCCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
SLOPILLY: “AAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOO UUUUUUUUUUANDSOMETIMESYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!”
SLATER: “For the life of Brian, kid. Your father was a fucking sloth. Why not try to climb DOWN?”
(Slopilly did not think of this. Go figure. He starts to climb down the tree very slowly.)
LUCIFER: “That was ba-luddy brillyint!”
SLATER: “And even better, why doesn’t your stupid sloth dad (practically spits that last line at Slothrop, who takes a second to react) climb up there and get you?!?”
(So Slothrop climbs up the tree, meets Slopilly about halfway up, and carries him on his back on the way down. Aww. The whole family is reunited. That’s the sweet scene that greets the glowing aquiline eyes of the HUGE PACK OF ASSKICKASAURS THAT HAS JUST ARRIVED, ATTRACTED BY ALL THE SCREAMING!!!)
BUBBLES: “WAH! I HATE Ath-kikki-stores! They should all choke an’ DIE! WAAAAAHHHHH!!!! I wanna go home an eat ice cream! No more Dina-shores, yay yay yay! (long pause) How come I can’t feel my legs?”
(The Asskickasaurs just look down their toothy beaks at her like, “Eviscerating her and then gobbling up her intestines as she slowly bleeds to death is WAY too good for this one.”)
GWEN: “Wait! We can try and communicate with them with this little Asskickasaurus call the Director just pulled out of her ass! Give it a try, Bubbles!”
(The little owl-eyed superheroine plays a few notes on the Asskickasaurus call that raises their crest-feathers.)
ASSKICKASAURUS CALL: “FweeeeeEEEEEeeeeep???”
(All the Asskickasaurs are silent, but their lores and ceres have blanched. A little “teenaged” male gives a questioning look to the biggest female, the leader, who doesn’t respond to him as she’s staring incredulously at Bubbles.)
FIRST ASSKICKASAUR: “Shreerp?”
SUBTITLE: “Did, uh, did that little hairless Tarsier monkey just tell us she wanted me to…?”
LEAD ASSKICKASAUR: (at Bubbles,
throaty) “Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”
SUBTITLE: “Oh, no you DIDN’T!?!?!”
BUBBLES: “I don’t think they’re going to attack! (turns to others) I think it worked! Yay me!”
LEAD ASSKICKASAUR: (Leaping at Bubbles with all talons flexed viciously, about to rip her into little skinny ribbons) “SKREEE-EEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!”
SUBTITLE: “Fondle THIS, bitch!!!”
(But, suddenly, all the Asskickasaurs are scared off by something!)
BUBBLES: “Ha ha ha! Stupid dinah-shores! You’re afraid of me!!! (she notices all the other members of Slater Force are also running away) Ha ha! Stupid Slater can’t stand that I’m more powerful!!! Ha ha ha! Yes, Bad Gwendle, you’re demons couldn’t defeat me! Ha ha ha! I WANNA see you try and fireball me, Lucifer! Ha ha ha, get out of here Bickle! You and your retarded handle!”
(The jungle is completely silent except for a low, thumping sound.)
BUBBLES: “HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Huh?”
COASTER: “WWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- WWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!”
(And with one big bite, Coastersaurus lets Bubbles go on that big Millennium Force at the terminal end of one’s digestive system.)
COASTER: “Anyone want to make the joke about her already being a piece of shit?”
EXT: “THE BEACH” FORUM-DUH, THE BEACH!
(At The Beach, where Everything will be All Better, Slater Force runs into the cast of “Saving Private Ryan” for reasons unknown to all but the director.)
DIRECTOR: “Wait! I don’t know either!”
SLATER: “All right, we got you to the stinking Beach where Everything is all Hugs and Puppies. Now get on one of those damn boats so I can get to Dr. Moron’s evil cave and save the Universe or something. (aside) Even though, in a recent hissy-fit, I basically said ‘fuck you all’ and left forever. (pause) Again. (louder) Anyway, I’m not really here to read this anymore, not like the Director's taking it personally on account of me being all like, ‘entertain me, dammit!’ and her writing this whole thing *about me* right then and all.”
DIRECTOR: (twitching violently) “No! Of COURSE not!!!”
SLATER: (to the Sloth family) “Now go away so we can get on with our quest already.”
SOLDIER: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII????? ???????????”
SKILLY: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
SLOTHROP: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
LLAMASEX: “MAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
SOLDIER: “AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!”
JONASZ KAMINSKI: (I think it’s hereditary :) “Ah.”
SLOPILLY: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
PEE-WEE: “AUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!!”
CHAIRY: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!??!!!”
SKILLY: “AAAAAHHHHHH AH AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
(The happy family sails off Survivor Island, screaming all the way.)
SLATER: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(Everybody looks at him, especially the folks at the coffee shop.)
SLATER: (briefly turns beat red, then recovers) “Uh… Beach, Visitors’ Center, Scary Cave!”
Post a response to this discussion thread