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CHAPTER THIRTEEN: “In Which we are Essentially just Prologue-ing Slater’s Big Quest Thing.”
EXT: “THE LOST WORLD” FORUM – BAMBOO FOREST
(Pseudonym continues flying over the forest and laughing and swinging the Sour-Apple Flavored Destiny. This is because the Director has gone Insane. It did not involve sugary Pop Tarts.)
DIRECTOR: “Fuck you all! Ha ha ha!!! If I wanna drink myself into a fakie Coca-Cola from 1987 induced hallucination, that’s MY problem!!! WOOOOOO-WEEEEEEE!!!!!!”
(Suddenly, something Not Good happens!)
PSEU: “What the hell is that?”
(“That” is a frothy mass of bubbles and foam that looks markedly unnatural surging up from the muck at the bottom of the lake that was perfectly normal a minute ago.)
PSEU: “Weird.”
(Suddenly, a huge tentacle or something reaches up out of the foam and grabs Pseu out of the sky! Pseudonym is very, very scared. Not least because she usually didn’t associate tentacles with teeth!)
PSEU: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!”
(The Disgusting Thing from the Bottom of the Lake sends another set of toothy tentacles to restrain her. This is about the time when Pseu realizes with a chill that what she’s being grabbed with are less like prehensile appendages and more like… necks?)
PSEU: “AAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
THING: (out of it’s multiple
mouths) “HHHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”
(Fortunately, somebody is within earshot of Pseudonym’s screams! He chortles heartily.)
WULF010: “Oh? Sew, look ‘oo wonts teh git saved from ye ‘Ellspawn?”
PSEU: “Will you shut up and kill this thing?”
WULF010: “Oche-ai, me lass. Yurr currec’ in thinkin’ I con’t sit ‘ere an’ watch ‘aught Apocalyptic ‘Ydra thing aul day.”
PSEU: “Then you’ll help me? Even though I tried to kick your ass?”
WULF010: “What I meant was I con’t sit an’ watch only on accoun’ ov it’d cease aul ye progriss in ye story.”
PSEU: “You ass! When I get out of this mess, you’re the first to get their soul squeezed out by my unformed Jedi mind powers or whatever!!!”
WULF010: “Ho ho ho!!! (thinks a minute) Oh, shite. I furrgoot aboot ‘aut.”
(Wulfgar 010 is too late! The Thing has dragged Pseudonym to it’s evil underwater cave thing!)
WULF010: “I aren’t too late ye little crud vapor!”
(Wulfgar 010 dives into the lake and swims to the bottom. The lake was the size of a marginally big pond looking at it from the surface but from underwater it looks more like a small ocean. Just thought I’d point that out cause it bothered the hell out of me.
Anyway, Wulfgar runs into another underwater city where Mr. Wonderful’s relatives live. He walks right through the wall of one of these bubbles where a lot of Wonderful… Um, Wonderfulites? Wonderfulians? Wonderfulgans? Anyway, they’re all standing around doing nothing.
Due to the fact that he is a genetically engineered superbeing, Wulfgar 010 Not Only didn’t have to breathe for that entire swim, Nor did he let in any water when he entered the bubble thing, he Also is damn near completely dry.)
WULF010: (realizes he’s in Wonderfulland, or whatever) “Great gabbling gargoyles!”
(Some Wonderfulgans, or whatever, are riding on things that look like what happens after Aladar’s obligatory love interest from “Dinosaur” fucks Big Bird. These creatures must have been born in the underwater Bubble City because they happen to be the least hydrodynamic animals we’ve seen in Crankyland so far.
These Wonderfulgans are all aiming their cattle prods at Wulfgar 010.)
WONDERFULGAN: “Yousa in deep DOO-DOO, Wulf-face!”
AUDIENCE: (toes curling) “Ugh…”
WULF010: “Whatever. Say, did you know that there’s some horrible thing with too many heads living near your city?”
ANOTHER WONDERFULGAN: “Dat’s a load of CRAP!!!”
(But the first Wonderfulgan and his Ostrodon or Iguanastrich or whatever are eaten by two of the Thing’s heads that suddenly snap into the bubble thing!)
WONDERFULGANS: “Eep!”
WULF010: “You believe me now?”
WONDERFULGANS: “Haw haw! Yousa so STOOPID it HURTS!!!! (raspberry) PPPPPLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!”
WULF010: “You see this? It’s the Great and Magical Battle- Axe of Bloodening! Take me to the damn cave right now, capiche?”
(The Wonderfulgans take Wulfgar 010 to the Scary Cave where the Apocalyptic Hydra Thing lives.)
WONDERFULGAN: “Dis is as far as we go, yoo looser.”
WULF010: “Hell, no! You’re all going to help me kill that Thing!”
WONDERFULGANS: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! DAT IS DA STOOPIDIST THING WE EVER HEARD!!!!!”
WULF010: “DAMMIT! (chops off some Wonderfulgan heads on account of it’s late, he’s tired, and he wants to move the damn plot along) You! Help! Kill Hydra with me! NOW!!!”
(They all go into the cave…)
INT: “LOST WORLD” FORUM – SCARY CAVE
(Meanwhile, Pseudonym wakes up in a very unpleasant situation. She’s in some kind of cocoon and the soporific venom that the Thing “tagged” her with has just worn off. She hurriedly tries to tear her way out of the gooey crap.)
PSEU: “Ugh! Ugh! UUUUGGGGHHH!!!”
WULF010: “Auch, me lassie! We’re here to save ye! (pause) Why the hell do I keep randomly dropping and reacquiring my accent???”
PSEU: “Oh, Wulfie!!! I’m so SORRY! I’ve been such a bitch for some reason! PLEEEEEASE HELP MEEEEEEE!!!!!”
WULF010: “Oyee, shut cher dang food hole!”
WONDERFULGANS: “AAAAHHHHH!!!!! Lookit all da goop an slime an crap!”
WULF010: “OCHE-AI YE FOOKIN’ RAY-TOORDS!!! Now listen ye little craps, it really chaps me arse when ye yell so damn loud aught ye monster ye wont me te kill fur ye can ‘ear you all an’ eat us all furst! Now, ye en’t no 8th Level Barbarians are ye?”
ALL: “Um, no.”
WULF010: “Exactly! Now, do any of ye know how much money a Barbarian makes?”
ALL: (very awkward) “No…”
WULF010: “Well, it EN’T TOO FRIKKIN’ MUCH YE WEE PUNKS! NOW SHUT UP AFORE AUGHT THING CHARGES IN AN’ EATS US ALL!!!”
(And just then, there is a horrible, awful, awful growl coming from the back of the cave. It sounds like what you might think someone… or something… that crawled straight out of the primordial depths of Hell might sound like. Deep, low, and venomous!)
THING: “Uuuuugggggggggrrrrrrrrrooooooowwwwwwlllllllllll!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
ALL: “AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
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