Post a response to this discussion thread
CHAPTER THREE: “In Which Our Heroine nearly has her Merry Merry Crankmas Ruined by Bad News.”
EXT: “JINGLE ALL THE WAY” FORUM – SOME KIND OF FESTIVE MALL PLACE
(The overall best holiday song given regular airplay most years, IMNSHO, blasts through the speakers of the Festive Mall Place. The Mad-Ness Monster skips along while singing and, so help her, imitating all the voices.)
NESS: “BUT sayah PRAY-YAH! A pray-ah fo’ the OTHUH WA- ONE! At Crank-mas-TIME! It’s HAHD-DUH when yo’ HA-vin’ FUUUUUUUUN! THEY-YAHS a WOURLD OWT-SAIDE YO’ WIN-DO! Und it’s a world ov dred an’ fear…”
(Nessie’s making her way towards the Halls of Justice. The former headquarters of the former Crankidestined is being temporarily connected to the former Cranky Brigade’s headquarters via something like a giant underground Habitrail. This is until everyone decides in which of the headquarters they’d rather quarter their heads.
The wee dragon’s mood is the kind of chipper where you can already tell that this chapter can only end in tears.)
NESS: (voiced, with frightening accuracy, by Drew Barrymore) “Crankmas McMothers’ O’Ween! My favorite day! It’s nearly time, it’s just hours away!!!”
(An Evil Postman almost turns our heroine into Crankmas Road Pizza, but he is stopped just in time by a gigantic, buggy Banner Ad falling on him.)
DIRECTOR: “There’s too much plot here already anyway.”
INT: “MYSTERY MEN” FORUM – YE HALLS OF JUSTICE
(Mad-Ness arrives to find the Halls decked us all with Boston Charlie; walla-walla-wash and Kalamazoo. [Anyone who gets THAT reference will earn my eternal love and respect forever.] All of the Crankyland Supergroup is there together for the Very First Time!)
AUDIENCE: (in Geek Heaven) “Oooooooohhh!!!”
NESS: “Merry Happy Crazy Crankmas to everyone in the New Crankyland Supergroup!”
EVERYONE ELSE: (somewhat sadly) “Urrr…”
(Here’s where Ness made her awful mistake. You see, after ingesting WAAAAAY too many sugary toaster pastries in an attempt to calm his nerves, the Honorable Lord High Justice Wreck thought up a brilliant new name for the combined Heroes of Crankyland. So now, as a whole, the Crankyland Supergroup is henceforth known as…
The Assclown Stomping Society.)
WRECK: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”
OTHER ASSCLOWNS: “Why… why… why…?”
WRECK: “Uh, it’s not THAT bad… (sees that he might just loose his head again) Um, hey, c’mon, no violence! It’s Crankmas McMother’s O’Ween!”
(Suddenly, some music kicks in!)
WRECK: (suddenly, he’s dressed in a Parca Clause costume!) “BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!!!! Oh, little Hot Rod, my little X-Monkey! Another great Crankmas! (pause) Naw, man it’s boring, it’s boring. Same thing every year. So let’s have a FUNKY Crankmas!”
(The cheesiest music ever written starts playing. The former Cranky Brigadiers are, well, a bit amused by this.)
VI: “Yes, I’ve heard tales of the Champions of the Clone Wars having a love of, well, the Odd.”
RED: “Huh. I think we’ve managed to enter another Musical Number!”
(The other former Crankidestined, on the other hand, react in varying shades of delight, confusion, and *fear*.)
WRECK: (is prolly gonna kick my ass when he figures out the reference, oh well >:) “Let’s go! Come on, come on! Haw- haw-haw-haw-haw! Haw-haw-haw!!! Have a Funky Bad-ass Crankmas! / Have a Funky Bad-ass Crankmas!!!”
NESS: (too enthusiastic) “EEEE! Another musical number!!!”
WRECK: “CRANKYLAND!”
NESS: “Let’s… SHIT! Where’s my Rhyming Dictionary?!?”
WRECK: “It’s Crankmas time! / We’re gonna ce-le-brate it with a rhyme! Kenny K. are you…”
KEN: (scared shitless) “I am going to survive this entire Episode by willing myself into another damn alien spooge- induced hallucination. (pause) Hm, I don’t know, MAYBE THE AUDIENCE SHOULD DO THE SAME THING?”
(They do. God only knows where the audience found *their* alien spooge. And I don’t want Him to tell me.)
WRECK: (pause) “Uh… Kenny K. are you ready?”
KEN: “Ye….eh…. No.”
WRECK: “Okay. STEADY!!!”
NESS: (WAY too enthused) “You KNOOOOOW Nessie’s ready!!!”
WRECK: “Whack-chick and… and Wulfgar 010… um…”
WULF010: “Eh, fook ye all an’ yeer frooty song-an- dancin’! Barbarians DON’T DANCE! N’or du cots come t’think o’it.”
WRECK: “Okay. Whatever. WE GOT A FUNKY CRANKMAS GOIN’ ON!!!”
(A chorus randomly joins the Crankizens.)
CHORUS: (agonizing falsettos) “Have a Funky Bad-ass Crankmas! / Have a Funky Bad-ass Crankmas!!!”
C.F.L.: “That’s it, I’m making popcorn and settin’ up some lawn chairs.”
WHACK: “Wow, I’m still in this? I mean! Funky, Funky Crankmas and a Funky New Year! / I swear, we got ourselves a party here! / Lot’s of kids on the floor know our posse’s at the door. / Should I stop? Naw, cool, here’s more! / Of this song, a Funky Cranky Me-lo-dee / Cause Whacky here feels Oh so Crank-mas-see! / Wave your hands in the air, PAUSE! / KICK THE BALLISTICS PARCA CLAUSE!!!”
CHORUS: (agonizing falsettos) “Have a… uh… Cranky, Cranky Funkmas!”
WHACK: “Kick the ballistics?!?”
(One of the Great Unsolved Mysteries of the Universe is what the hell NKOTB meant when they said, “Kick the Ballistics”.)
CHORUS: (agonizing falsettos) “Have a Cranky, Cranky Funkmas!”
NESS: “Sneakin’ downstairs / on Crankmas Eve. / I saw me a sight you just wouldn’t believe! / Parca Clause by the fireplace! / Brushin’ off his beard with a frown on his face! / He said ‘Hey!’ / I said ‘What?’ / he said ‘you!’ / I said ‘what?’ / He said ‘you kept the fire goin’ and I burnt off my butt.’ / So now I’ve learned / you got to turn / the fireplace down / so Parca won’t get burned.”
(I couldn’t improve that verse, so I essentially left it the way it was.)
CHORUS: (agonizing falsettos) “Have a Cranky, Funky, Bad- Ass! Have a Cranky, Funky, Bad-Ass!”
KEN: (hiding somewhere curled in the fetal position until It Goes Away) “…heeeellllp…”
CHORUS: (agonizing falsettos) “Have a Wacky, Funky Something-or-other! Have a Wacky, Funky Something-or-other!”
WRECK: “It’s CRANKYMAS!!! Can you swing this?!? / Funky dope jam the top on your Crankmas list? BO-YEEEEEE!!!!! / Do you dig this??? / Bwa-haw-haw! How can you be booin’ it? / What wit’ Wrecky-Clause doin’ it???”
(I don’t know but I’d guess this wasn’t the kind of thing brought up on the “Band of Brothers” set. How the hell could you resist though?)
MENDO: “Ohhhh, dude. I just had the most FUCKED up dream. Like, there was all this singin’ an’ dancin’ an…”
WULF010: (ominously) “That was NO DREAM!!!”
(But that matters not, for all the Assclowns are hugging now! Aww!!!)
AUDIENCE: “Ugh. Is this going to be a *hugging* story?”
WULF010: “Oche-ai, FARK ye huggin’!!! I’ve goot a STARRY t’tell ye!”
NESS: “Ooh, a Crankmas Story!”
WULF010: “Now, if yer wonderin’ ‘ow I goot outa th’ Island mess, t’is on account o’aught Slater kid valiantly sacrificing ‘imself.”
(Mad-Ness’ brain explodes.)
NESS: “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT?????????????”
WULF010: “Ayuh, Slater’s dead. Now, does aught make me the male lead now?”
KEN: “You assclown, I thought *I* was the Emergency Backup Male Lead?!?”
(Violet’s brain explodes.)
RED: “Hey, guess what? We’re ALL Assclowns!”
WRECK: “No, no! We STOMP the assclowns! Hence, Assclown Stomping Socie…”
NESS: “EVERYBODY JUST SHUT THE HELL UP! THIS IS THE BIG DRAMATIC PART!!!”
(But Nessie can’t take it anymore and she runs out the door screaming crying. She races down some hill singing the “Bright Eyes” song from that _Watership Down_ movie. Then she realizes that she doesn’t know the words and ends up crying even harder. Cue the sad “ding-ding ding-ding ding-ding DING-ding” type Danny Elfman music.
Everybody wipe off those shit-eating grins, this part is SAD!!!)
NESS: “WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! (screeches to a halt in front of the Snow Goon from earlier) No, STOP IT! EVERYBODY STOP IT! Life’s getting too wishy-washy! *snif* A man’s Crankiness isn’t supposed to just End!”
(The Snow Goon has no answers.)
NESS: “Or friendships? Or loyalties? Or happiness? Happiness isn’t supposed to just End…”
SNOW GOON: “…”
NESS: “Gilda Radner isn’t supposed to end… (pauses) Do I even know who/what that is?”
SNOW GOON’S NUT-HATCH NOSE: “Prolly the government’s fault.”
(A light snow falls.)
NESS: “…we… We hardly *knew* ye…
(The title graphic reappears as the announcer is heard.)
ANNOUNCER: “Coming up on the ‘Crankyland Holiday Special’, Necromancy for Fun and Profit, the Slater Force, and a performance from Ken Kaminski and the E Street Band!
BUT, more importantly, this is also going to be (fanfare) THE FIRST SCENE THAT LITTLE ROUND TOP IS IN!!!!!!!”
Post a response to this discussion thread