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CHAPTER FIVE: “In Which, Last Night, I Saw Parca Claus”
CRANKY: “Heh, heh, heh. Well, what do you all think of Slater being an undead talking snowman? I think, ‘ACK! Join de CLUB!’ Anyway, I think Parca Claus is going to have…
What’s that? Parca Claus? Do you stupid little punks mean to tell me that you DON’T KNOW who Parca Claus is?
Well, then. I suppose I ought to explain. You see, away up in space; far far away, up in the sky above Crankyland, there is a beautiful gold and crystal palace.”
EXT: “THE GRINCH” FORUM – ENCHANTED KINGDOM OF DARKNESS
(We pan up to this palace in the sky as Cranky the Snowman continues. We see a large, rather ominous figure in a blood red suit standing on the largest balcony.)
CRANKY: “In this magical palace in the sky, lives the kindest and jolliest creature in Crankyland. He is the incarnation of the Spirit of Crankmas McMother’s O’Ween itself, born in his present state! He has existed since the first cracking of doom (something like that), and will live on until the last trumpet sounds!
And they call him Parca Clauuuuuuuuuus!”
PARCA: (sounding more like a “mellerdrama” villain tying the hero’s girlfriend to the train tracks) “AAAAAH!!! HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(Parca Claus enters the palace singing a happy tune.)
PARCA: (possibly *trying* to send the kids into therapy) “La-la-LA! La-la-LA! La-la-la-LA-la- LAAAAAAA!!!!!!!”
(He passes through a doorway next to a large barrel organ helpfully labeled “Toy Land”. Toy Land, as it turns out, is where Parca Claus’s minions make the toys. The minions are little X-Monkey elves. They are chained up and their wings are clipped. They will be making toys FOREVER!)
X-MONKEYS: (singing “cheerfully” once Parca enters) “Uh… Iiiiiit’s aaaaaa DIF-I-cult response-a-bil-I-teeeeeeee! / When you’re taking orders from ol’ Parca Ceeeeeeeee! / He demands of us the high-est qual-I-teeeeeeeee! / We make the gifts that come from Parca Ceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!”
DIRECTOR: “I am still looking for my rhyming dictionary.”
PARCA: “SILENCE!!!!!”
DIRECTOR: “…yessir…”
PARCA: “AAAAAAHHHHH-HAW-HAW-HAW-HAW-
HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(Parca Claus sits at the barrel organ and makes the monkeys dance. This is their “break”. Hmm, kinda reminds me of the print shop I used to work at [long, sad story; don’t even ask].)
X-MONKEYS: (nervous grins) “Yay! We LOVE to dance!!! It’s GOOD that you’re making us dance! It’s very very GOOD!!!”
PARCA: “HAW HAW HAW! DANCE my pretty monkeys!!!!!”
AUDIENCE: “Okay, this is SERIOUSLY fucked up.”
PARCA: “SILENCE!!!!!”
AUDIENCE: “…yessir…”
(The most disturbing organ recital this side of “Phantom of the Opera” is interrupted when his most trusted minion arrives. It’s Speaker for Dead, and, for some reason, he is dressed in a serape and a sombrero. He is also trailed by two giant living Annalee dolls.)
S4D: “Parca Claus! Something is happening on Planet Cranky, or whatever, that you MUST know about! The children are doing EVIL!!!”
(Dunt-dunt-
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
PARCA: “Well, well, well! We must watch them through my Orwellian Devices of Darkness!”
(Parca and Speaker and the giant dolls enter the Orwellian Devices of Darkness room, where they will spy on the children. The spying machines look, as a matter of fact, similar to the surveillance devices in the Cranky Brigade Headquarters. Except that they were built by the same people who designed the sets in the underrated movie, “Toys”.
Imagine Willy Wonka’s factory on MORE acid and you have the idea.)
PARCA: (activating a machine that resembles the electroshock therapy device from the also underrated “Return to OZ”) “Ancient Spying Device of Evil! / Seek out the children who are being Bad at Crankmastime! / Be they hiding in a cave / or behind a million mountains!”
SPYING DEVICE: (like Funzo) “Aaaaawllllll RIGHTY!”
EXT: “JINGLE ALL THE WAY” FORUM – FESTIVE MALL PLACE
(From outside the Enchanted Kingdom of Darkness, a really long telescope snakes down to spy on the bad children. They are in the mall from earlier. And the Evil Thing that they are doing is this:)
MICHAEL BOLTON: (singing over the loudspeaker; and so help me, I do NOT think he gets the irony here) “IIIIIIII’m DREEE-eh-MEEE-eh-ING! (dramatic gasp) of a WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE (another dramatic gasp) *CRANK*- MAAAAAAS! / (hyperdramatic gasp) WIIIIITH EVEREEEEEEEEEE *CRANK*-MAAAAAAS CARD I WRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE!”
(The bad children tear down the loudspeaker and stomp it with their boots. Yah! Go, bad kids!!!)
BAD KIDS: “Ha ha ha! Take THAT you sentient loaf of Wonder Bread!”
(A strange man dressed like a policeman walks up to them.)
BAD KIDS: “Uh-oh. It’s the security guard. We’re busted.”
(Bummer. Uh, I mean, that’s not really the mall security guard. It’s none other than Parca Claus in disguise!)
PARCA: “MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Hey you kids (points at them) CUT THAT OUT!!!”
(The bad kids are scarred for life.)
BAD KIDS: (running away for dear
life) “AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
PARCA: “HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!”
(Parca Claus returns to the Kingdom of Darkness [I came up with several ways how, and, trust me, you don’t want me to describe ANY of them]. Meanwhile, Grundie peers out from behind a tree.)
GRUNDIE: “Curses! Well, then, I will have to go with Plan B. Hahahahaha!!!!!”
(Grundie stalks away to a creepy cave in a swamp where he’s made his hideout.)
INT: “JEEPERS CREEPERS” FORUM – CREEPY CAVE IN A SCARY SWAMP
(From now on, let’s call this cave [snicker snicker] Grundle-Land.)
GRUNDIE: “I don’t understand you. You think that is funny. I don’t understand why you think the name ‘Grundle- Land’ is inherently funny. What is this ‘Grundle-Land’ and why is it so funny?”
(Some weird but friendly little trolls appear out of nowhere.)
GRUNDLE TROLLS: (crying cause their old home got destroyed by a bad witches’ potion [no kidding]) “Ohhhhhhh, Grundle- Land! We miss it!!!”
GRUNDIE: “Silence! Stop crying! That’s not funny, it’s just weird. Why does the director keep referencing girly- girl 80s cartoons? Why does she not do anything with Looney Tunes?”
(Because the fact that the only other raging Looney Tunes fan besides me in Crankyland is this… *thing* makes me twitch.
And, with that said, let’s leave Grundle-Land and visit the cool place it just so happens to be on the border of.)
EXT: “NEXT STOP, WONDERLAND” FORUM – TULGEY WOOD
(The Creepy Swamp is right on the border of the Tulgey Wood. There, in among the copses of TumTum trees, there is a cave. And in that cave, there lives a creature.
A creature that should not have had to wait so long to appear in this, but what the hell.
Something has disturbed his yearly hibernation. He stirs, yawns, throws on a big cloak, and tends to an odd, spherical device in his main room.
With a gesture the device spins wildly, crackling with psychic energy, and eventually forming images within.
It’s attendant looks into the device with eyes glowing with fear.)
CREATURE: “Sweet, merciful crap!?!”
(The title graphic reappears as the announcer is heard.)
ANNOUNCER: “Coming up on the ‘Crankyland Holiday Special’, the Slothrop family, MORE Little Round Top, and a performance from Ken Kaminski and the {enter humorous name for his band here}!”
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