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CHAPTER NINE: “Flying Barney Heart”
DISCLAIMER: These last few chapters could very well be very, very insane. I’m eating one of the new “Jelly Belly Donuts” from Dunkies’ while I’m proofreading them. It’s the Watermelon Candy one. They’ve also got Grape Candy and Cotton Candy.
If there is a list somewhere of things that should never, ever happen because they are blasphemes against the very laws of nature (not to mention good taste) then candy- flavored donuts should *seriously* be on it.
INT: “QUILLS” FORUM - RIGHT OUTSIDE THE SACRED CAVERN
(The signs say…)
SIGN: “BEWARE the dreaded Duck of Hæbrodentrism!!!”
(But the bloated, slimy creature charges right through them. He stomps over the bones and enters the Cavern.)
HH: “S-T-O-P!!!!!!!”
GRUNDIE: “HIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
HH: “Euw! Okay, then. Carry on.”
BICKLE: “God damn you, you big deformed retarded FREAK!!! If you take one more step into that cave I swear I’ll… I’ll… I haven’t decided yet but IT WILL HURT! (vicious glare) *LOTS*!!!”
(Grundie hisses again and slithers into the entrance of the Cavern! Once inside, he does something that, frankly, is waaaay too gross for me to want to even THINK about describing it, and starts running towards the Sacred Cavern itself, laughing all the way!)
GRUNDIE: “Ha. Ha. Ha.”
(Bickle charges the entrance to the Cavern and runs smack into something solid and semi-transparent. He gets so pissed that he kicks down a tree.)
BICKLE: “DAMMIT THAT SON OF A **&^&^% PIECE OF %#$#@%$# AND WHAT THE HELL *WAS* THAT ANYWAY??? *cough* The stuff I crashed into, I mean.”
DIRECTOR: “Maybe it’s whatever evil demonic stuff this donut is filled with? (curiously / apprehensively ventures to lick it) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Oh, gross!!! That’s so WRONG!!!!!”
(Theodoric makes the mistake of touching the stuff that Bickle crashed into. His face runs through all the various shades of Puce.)
THEO: “Oh, SSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIT! It’s…! It’s…! It’s… SOLIDIFIED PUSS!!!”
AUDIENCE: “OOOHHHH-HO-HO-HO SHEEEEEEEEEE-ITTT!!!”
BICKLE: “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUWWWWWWWWWWW! !!!!!!!!!!!! Do we have to burn off this layer of skin now or something?”
DIRECTOR: “It’s still not as gross as the donut goo. Wait a minute… (looks at it harder) Isn’t this the stuff you’re floating in when you’re trapped in one of those Matrix- compatible pods of pink goo?”
HH: “Damn you, Grundie! If you were any more repulsive… (he stops) Oh… GOD! I don’t wanna even CONSIDER it.”
GRUNDIE: “Ha. Ha. Ha.”
(He runs off, leaving his pursuers to decide what to do about the… ugh… Obstacle.)
HH: “Well, hell, I’m not going anywhere NEAR it!”
(Meanwhile, the dread pirate Bickle is in BJ’s duck pond and is attempting to scrape his face off with a fistful of loam.)
BICKLE: “Euw! Euw! *blub* EEEEEEEeeeeuuuuuuuw!!!!! Euw! *gurgle* What the hell?”
(The clump of loam crumbles apart, revealing a little squishy creature that had been hibernating in a hole when Bickle dug him up.)
TOADY: “Snif? (yawns) Oh, is it May already?”
THEO: “Oh, sorry Toady. It’s still wintertime. (the light bulb goes DING and he points at Bickle) THIS guy woke you up too early for the mating season!!!”
TOADY: “ARGH!!!! WHY YOU…!!!”
THEO: “Hurry, Bickle! Aim his rear end at the wall of puss!”
BICKLE: “What the hell?”
HH: “Hey, great idea! Amphibians don’t have much in the way of natural weapons, and their bodies are very soft and defenseless. They do have a way of compensating for this.”
BICKLE: “Can somebody PLEASE tell me why I am pointing at a wall of puss with a toad’s ass?”
HH: “They drink water all day long in case some big animal tries to pick them up.”
BICKLE: “Oh.”
THEO: “Yes! So, we’re going to melt through the wall of puss with toad pee!”
BICKLE: “Can I be involved in an Obligatory Violent Death Scene NOW?”
(But Toady pees on the wall, and this melts the hardened puss so that they can get inside the Sacred Cavern and…
…and…
…oh man, did I just type that?)
ALL: “Yup.”
BICKLE: “See, now, I was going to suggest that maybe we go find another way in. We could go down the Deep Dark Tunnel and get into the Sacred Cavern from Kaminski-Land, or whatever.”
DIRECTOR: “I say that we PRETEND that that is what happened.”
(And so that’s how they got into the Sacred Cavern. Erm, they still have Toady though. Trust me, he’ll be important later.)
TOADY: “I will?”
(Yeah… y-you don’t want to know how just yet.
Can I suggest that everybody go back and read what Ross said a few chapters back?)
INT: SECRET “QUILLS” FORUM - SACRED CAVERN
(Morning was greeted with a yawn and an energetic crotch scratching.
And then it dawned on the Crankyheart that this was the first time in hundreds of years that it HAD a crotch to scratch.)
CRANKYHEART: ~Nrr?~
(Picture this. You are a huge mystic crystal thing hovering in… something. You don’t even know what it is, because although you can think, you don’t have any normal senses. Something tried to hurt you earlier, so with a thought you decided, just for fun and kicks, that you’ll inhabit one of the other things you *kind of* have a *feeling* are nearby.
So now, here you are inside this body with a definite and fixed size and weight and shape and mass.
Your host has *also* got the ability to feel exhaustion, and the first thing it seemed to want to do was find a cave, burrow in, and pass out. You assume that what you’re sleeping in is sand; you haven’t got a good look at it since you’re last Avatar so you don’t even know if it’s still there- and it doesn’t feel all that different. It’s the way you’re sprawled out on it this time that feels odd, so you experiment moving the various limbs, with your temporary eyes still shut so you can guess at what you are.)
CRANKYHEART: ~Hmmm…~
MONGO: “My Lord… err, Lady, rather.”
KEN: “My pussified for the girly-girl masses bastardization of the psychologically weighty concept of an archetypal ultra-reptile, maybe?”
MONGO: “Hey, yeah. That works.”
CRANKYHEART: ~Awake… I am awake…~
(Prince Mongo bows at the entrance to the cavelet. She does not see him; her eyes are still closed.)
MONGO: “You have been wise in choosing your current host, my… um… what he said. It confused us for a while, but then we saw the wisdom in it.”
DARK-NESS: ~INDEED, YOU ARE TRICKY. I CANNOT POSSIBLY DESTROY MY OWN *SORT-OF* MOM.~
(The Crankyheart realized what it was. And it expressed this discovery with a more colorful version of a sentiment that, if you count up the results in an internet search, you will find more people exist who are willing to say it openly than those who are willing to announce that they are pizza delivery-people.)
CRANKYHEART: ~Hot diggity &%$#*! I’m a #$@ing Dragon!~
CFL: “Well… Well, yes actually.”
CRANKYHEART: ~MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This %^$#&ing RULES! I’ll bet I’m #$%&*ing HUGE!!! I’ll bet my host’s name is uttered in hushed whispers across thirty @*&^$ing forums!!! I’ll bet it’s because she has been kicking their *&@#% asses in sideways!!! I’ll bet you *@^&%#$^*s out there are %^*^ing SCARED!!!~
KEN: “Well, you’re right about us being scared.”
CRANKYHEART: ~A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL COME OUT AND KICK ALL OF YOUR ASSES NOW!!!~
(And she finally opens her eyes expecting to be staring down the length of a sharp, nasty beak-thing seemingly made up of teeth and horns and pointy things at a pair of great, massive aquiline talons of death!)
CRANKYHEART: ~HAHAHAHAHAHAH… what the %*&#$?~
(She’s looking down the cute little snub-snout of something out of the My Little Pony collection at a pair of… well I suppose you could say they’re massive paws if you're thinking in the disproportionately cute puppy sense. An aquatic reptilian puppy, but you get the idea.)
CFL: “So, when are you coming to kick our asses in? Oh, chaos incarnate?”
(And on cue, something comes snaking out of the burrow with all its limbs tucked in and making a sound like a rusty tin horn.)
CRANKYHEART:
~RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNGGGGGHHHHH~
(And, lo the Crankyheart! Drawn up to its magnificent full height, it screams and spits and rolls its terrible eyes and gnashes its terrible teeth! The whip of its wings a hurricane, and its breath death, and…
…and it is about able to look just over the Creep, Freak Loser’s head.
He shrugs, sort-of sadly.)
CFL: “Well, you were going to find out sooner or later.”
CRANKYHEART: ~Oh. Huh. But I can get out of this $% *#&ing host soon, right? Hasn’t every @*&#$ing subplot been resolved?~
MONGO: “Well?”
(Stirring music begins to play!)
DARK-NESS: ~I HAVE DECIDED THAT I CANNOT DESTROY THIS WORLD! PERHAPS IT IS MY DESTINY TO PROTECT IT? I BELIEVE THAT IS WHAT I WILL DO NOW! I WILL STAY HERE AND PROTECT THE CRANKYHEART!~
SLATER: “And you know, I’ve learned something too. (looks directly at the Impressionable Little Kids in the audience) If you simply *believe* in *yourself*, you can do *anything*!!! (pause) I feel really dirty for some reason. Okay, Take Two.”
DIRECTOR: “Let’s try that again people.”
SLATER: “A-hem. Children, believe in the wonder of magic in childhood! (big grin) Or I will kill you!”
KEN: “Dammit, there’s no character development in this.”
ALL SLATER FORCERS: “And remember that if your parent’s ignore you, it’s probably because you’re *magic* and you must run away to Piggyzits in order to be *loved*! Better yet, live our adventure vicariously by buying a metric assload of liscensed Slater Pothead toys!”
WULF010: “And if you still find that nobody loves you, then that means you are a robot!”
HOT ROD: (crying) “Noooooo!!!! I’m not a Godless machine! I’m *REAL*!!! (starts rusting over) MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!”
WRECK: “And I’ve learned something too. I’ve learned that bossing your friends around gets you nowhere. (hugs the adjacent Assclown Stompers) You need to *work together* and *respect each other* and only then will you *save the day*!”
(And everybody *Hugs* and *Learns* and sings along to an obscure *Amy Mann* single and *Cries* and hugs some *More* and screams *Bloody Murder* when Grundie slobbers his way into the Sacred Cavern!)
A.S.S.: “OH, *SHIT*!!! WE FORGOT ALL ABOUT HIM!!!!!”
(Ladies and Gents, if you happen to be eating right now, might I STRONGLY suggest that you stop. That goes quadruple if you’re eating something pasta-esque.)
GRUNDIE: “Give me the sword-thing.”
A.S.S.: “NO FUCKING WAY!!!”
GRUNDIE: “If I promise not to destroy the Crankyheart, will you give me the sword-thing?”
A.S.S.: “NO FUCKING WAY!!!”
GRUNDIE: “Then I will start to kill you off systematically until you surrender. Bwa-ha-ha.”
KEN: “How in the hell are you going to kill us? You’re a big, big talking sack of…
“of entrails…
“Ah shit, I’m dead aren’t I?”
GRUNDIE: “GGGRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!”
KEN: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGH- MMMPH!!!!!!!!!!!”
(GRUNDIE EATS KEN!!!!
And the other Assclown Stompers are just staring there with variations of a look that asks,)
A.S.S.: “Did… that… just… happen…?”
(And in response…)
GRUNDIE: “RRRrrrrrgh-urk? COUGH!!!!! P’tooee!”
(The indigestible boot goes flying through the air, kicks the Wreck in the head, and lands in front of him with a splat [it’s covered in… you don’t want to know]. He stares at it.)
GRUNDIE: “Mmmmm… tasted just like Kibbe Nayee.”
WRECK: “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
A.S.S.: “FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCC CKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(If there was time, the Assclown Stomping Society would get the hell out of the Cavern and sit down in the snow and cry and cry. Instead, they run around in the Sacred Cavern screaming like crazy! What the hell ELSE are they going to do? GRUNDIE EATS PEOPLE!!!
There is, however, one Assclown Stomper who has got a functioning brain cell in her head, thank goodness. She charges towards Grundie wielding the Sour-Apple-Flavored Destiny!)
PSEU: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIE!!! DIE DIE DIE YOU BIG FREAKIN’ MUTANT… errr… FREAK!!!!!!! FREAKEEBOY!!! FREAK-CIRCUS FREAK!!! FRE-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-MPH!!!!”
(GRUNDIE EATS PSEUDONYM!!!!!)
A.S.S.: “FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKK!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!”
(But he coughs up the Sour-Apple Flavored Destiny! It comes exactly THISCLOSE to skewering Darker Mad-Ness, and since she has absolutely nothing better to do [and, more importantly, because she is made mostly of inedible metal] she decides…)
DARK-NESS: ~OH, WHAT A PRETTY SWORD! WHEN ALL OF THIS IS OVER, I WILL BRING IT TO THE HALLS OF JUSTICE AND HANG IT ON THE WALL… AFTER I CLEAN OFF THIS DIGESTIVE CRAP.~
WULF010: “Um, guess what, Darker Mad-Ness! I just found out that your Ultimate Destiny is to kill that friggin’ thing made out of puss and vomit and crap over there.”
DARK-NESS: ~OH. OKAY.~
(She runs over and attacks Grundie with the sword!
You win absolutely Zero Crankybucks if you predicted that this was going to happen; even if you saw it coming way back in the very beginning.)
DARK-NESS: ~AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~
GRUNDIE: “Growl! Snarl! Booga-Booga!”
WRECK: (horrified) “WAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop stabbing it in the stomach!!!”
DARK-NESS: ~WHY? THAT’S WHERE ALL THE VULNERABLE SPOTS ARE!~
(Now, our beloved Lord High Justice REALLY doesn’t want to have to say the following. But he just has this really, really strong feeling here.
And besides, if he didn’t say this, there’d be no advancement of the plot.)
WRECK: “Because… (ominous as all get out) Because I can *feel* that… (violent convulsing) that they are *STILL *ALIVE** in there!!!”
AUDIENCE: (puking all over their keyboards) “Oh, sweet Christ in a souped-up race car!!!!”
DIRECTOR: “Did all this really begin with the Cranky Brigade meeting the Crankydestined or something simple like that?”
TO BE CONTINUED!
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