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CHAPTER TEN: “In Which you SERIOUSLY don’t want to be eating right now, I am NOT kidding.”
INT: “GOOD BURGER” (I am so, so sorry) FORUM - INSIDE GRUNDIE
(There is only one thing worse than being eaten by some gigantic mutated God-mocking entity made seemingly of puss and viscera and crap.
And that’s being alive and conscious the whole way down!)
KEN: “MMMMMMPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(I am seriously on my way to some mental institution somewhere with this.
Anyway, something crashes into Ken and pushes him forward a bit.)
PSEU: “MMMMMMMMMMPH?????”
KEN: “MMMMMMRRRRRRPH!!!!!!!!!!”
PSEU: “MMMMPH MMMRRRR MMUUUUUUURPH!!!”
KEN: “MM-MMPH.”
(Look, would *you* want to not have your mouth slammed shut during this adventure? The gist is that they’re trying to figure a way out.
Well, an alternative to the obvious way out, of course.
Cor, I TOLD you not to be eating during this part!
Meanwhile, outside…)
INT: SECRET “QUILLS” FORUM - SACRED CAVERN
(Darker Mad-Ness continues her battle with Grundie! This is very, very difficult as Grundie now resembles what happens when you stick a cherry bomb into a tray of overcooked lasagna.)
SLATER: (howling crying) “Waaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!!!!! Why’d I have to ask to be the star of this stupid storyyyyyyyyyy???????????????????”
LUCIFER: “Urrg! Ick! Ig!!!”
SLATER: “Great sweet crunchy nose goblins, try to turn into something NORMAL!!!”
LRT: “AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Don’t listen to him, Lucifer! Don’t ever try to transform! It *HURTS*!!!”
WULF010: “Awrgh, he’ll be fine! Besides, Imps can only change into certain things! He could change into a rat, a spider, a raven, or a goat. And -urm- I suppose he can also turn BACK into himself as well.”
SLATER: “Uh…”
WRECK: “Well, now, wait a minute. Those rules apply if he is *definitely* an Imp. However, Imps are always Lawful Evil, and Lucifer here is actually a rather *nice* demon. Probably he’s just Chaotic Evil, which means he’s really a Quasit.”
WULF010: “That means he can become a bat, a wolf, a centipede, or a frog.”
WRECK: “Yes, but here’s the thing. Quasits are of Low Intelligence, and Lucifer is quite smart. Also, he’s got a barb at the end of his tail, and there’s nothing about that under the Quasit description.”
DIRECTOR: “Where is my fucking donut???!!!??? (pause) Euw, no not the one I have now, the one I wanted earlier.”
LRT: “I just thought that an Imp was a little mischievous demon thingy?”
WRECK AND WULF010: “ARGH!!! YOU’RE WRONG!!!”
WULF010: “Wait, he can throw fireballs! Perhaps he is a Fire Mephit?”
WRECK: “Yeah, but they’re a lot bigger and meaner and… oh.”
LUCIFER: (back to relative normalcy) “You know… (long, long pause) ah, bugger.”
SLATER: “Say, what about that big, big blobby bastard down there who just ate two Assclowns?”
WRECK: “For the Last Time! WE are NOT the Assclowns! We STOMP on the Assclowns!!!”
WULF010: “Actually we defined Assclowns as Annoying Little Creatures, not Big F’ugly Mutants from Hell.”
SLATER: “I want to go home. Now. Ho-lee shit…”
(Slater watches as something absolutely horrible happens. Grundie has been fighting Darker Mad-Ness all this time.
And, suddenly, a *human arm* tears out of the Big F’ugly Mutant from Hell!!!)
DARK-NESS: ~AGH! IT’S MUTATING AGAIN!!!~
WHACK: “Holy living shit, NO IT’S NOT!!! *LOOOK*!!!!!”
(They do. They suddenly wish they didn’t.)
A.S.S.: “OHHHH SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIT THAT’S GROSS!!!”
KEN: (has managed to work an arm and some of his head… ugh… out) “AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIGH!!!! (a beat) You know, just once - just ONCE- could I MAYBE be in a fanfic where I, like, just have a big anvil fall on me or get staked through the gut or something else quick and painless?”
GRUNDIE: (distracting him) “GROWL! BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! GRRRR!”
KEN: “A-ha…”
(Then he turns and sees a pair of legs sticking out of… ugh… out of Grundie. He pulls at them and their owner flops out onto the ground.)
PSEU: “Unnnnnngh….? I… have to whisper an… Important Plot Point into… your ear… in an oddly… romantic moment… (Grundie rolls over a bit, enabling her to do this) First… lemme get rid of that rope of intestine wrapped around your cranium like a gory headband.”
BEAST: (and other people in the Audience with -um- interesting tastes) “Kick. Ass.”
PSEU: “Now listen… don’t listen to me, LISTEN! I read somewhere that Grundie is a natural vegetarian or something. And if he isn’t well, tough shit, he is now! Anyway, plant-eating animals make a heck of a lot more gas byproduct during digestion than carnivores do. The point is, according to ever-so-trustworthy source Dave Barry, there have been reports of…”
(Her is the Most Dramatic Close-Up EVER!)
PSEU: “Exploding Farm Animals.”
KEN: “From intestinal blockage… (Sokath! His eyes uncovered!) *Most Evil Evil Grin EVER Emoticon*!!!”
DARK-NESS: ~URM, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GET OUT OF THE WAY SO I CAN CONTINUE RAMMING THIS POINTY OBJECT INTO THIS THING UNTIL IT DIES?~
(To Darker Mad-Ness’ surprise, Ken just grins at her again and works his way back… ugh… inside.)
WRECK: “Ha ha ha, YES! Go inside Grundie’s brain and make him listen to his own stupid bullshit until his mind implodes! (there’s a muffled growl from inside Grundie) Or, well, just take the Path of What You Were Going to Do Anyway.”
(Pseudonym already knows what that is so she runs like hell behind a big rock.)
PSEU: “Everybody *Duck* and also *Cover*!!!”
(They do. Dark-Ness just shrugs and continues fighting Grundie.)
DARK-NESS: ~AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~
GRUNDIE: “Grr! Argh!”
DARK-NESS: ~SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!!!~
GRUNDIE: “Grr! Argh! Uh-oh…
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(GRUNDIE EXPLODES!!!!)
WRECK: “Humm, given your Overdeveloped Sense of Justice™, don’t you think you should be a little more graphic there?”
(Well okay.
First, all we see is a big replica of Explodie the Nuke Rating where Grundie was sitting there and oozing a half- millisecond earlier. Then we see the good guys shouting and cheering.
The tone immediately changes when the Exploding Grundie enters its Rain of Innards Stage.)
A.S.S.: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
STATE-OF-THE-ART SFX: “SPLAT! SPLUT! SMACK! BLOP! FLARP! BORT! THUD! WHAP! FLOP! SPLUD! SPLISH! WHAM! ‘OW, FUCK!!!’ THUNK!”
(Chief among these falling Grundie innards is a rather big chunk that goes flying until it slaps against the wall, then lands on it’s sternum in the dirt. Pseudonym, who, let’s face it, is about the only character her who can really sympathize in this case, manages to crawl over to it and Slater flips it over.)
PSEU: “He’s… he’s… !!!”
SLATER: “Snoring!?! Sweet son of a monkey butler!”
PSEU: “KA-EE-A-EE-Æ-Ë-I-Û-AH-EE-AH-EE-AAAAAAAAAAAAAH-EN?”
(The former temporary Grundie innard growls in the affirmative.)
SLATER: “God dammit, wake up and get the plot moving again! I don’t want to have to kick you for obvious reasons!”
(Those obvious reasons are that Ken looks… well, *slightly* better than Slater did immediately after digging his way out of his own grave as a matter of fact. He just looks like he’s been alternately dunked into two big vats, one of puss and the other of vomit.
The leader of our intrepid team of heroes is naturally concerned and approaches. )
WRECK: “Do you mind me asking you a really, really stupid question?”
KEN: (understandably very, very weak) “……esss…….?”
WRECK: “Are you alright or are you effectively traumatized for life after having to see the unimaginable horror of a nightmare known as Grundle Within?”
KEN: (after a pause, in a barely audible hiss) “…..rrrreck…..? …..do yoo….. do yoo seeee…. …the SUN? …”
WRECK: “Err… This is another reference I don’t get isn’t it?”
KEN: “…izzzn….it….*beautiful*…..”
WRECK: “Yes. It is. The sun, beautiful. The moon, even MORE beautiful. Now please stop with the death grip on my arm. Thank you.”
PSEU: “Hey, believe it or not, you’ve effectively saved Crankyland! WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW???”
KEN: (understandably very, very
weak) “Gggglllluuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…”
SLATER: “You would like to crawl back into your little cave up there, soak in the bath until you might taste good with drawn butter OR you’ve scraped off this violated layer of skin, whatever happens first. You want to drink until you can’t feel your legs, and then you want to sleep for fifteen hours straight.”
KEN: (agreeing) “Uuurrruuurrrg…”
(He claws his way back home in a truly inspiring display of effort against hardening puss.)
SLATER: “Ah yes. Mm-wahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! NOW, it is the Slater’s turn to get his subplot resolved!”
DIRECTOR: (as surprised as anybody) “Wait! Wait, that was IT? That’s what the whole Kaminski / Pseudonym ‘Spirit Within’ ‘Akira’ Whatever Quest Thing subplot was building up to? Damn!”
AUDIENCE: “Yes indeed, damn!”
PSEU: “And what the heck am I going to do? (pause) Oh, I know!”
(She walks over to the big bottomless pit of Coke. She dives in and all the evil little wads of Grundie remains immediately dissolve and she is Renewed and also Purified. The Audience has to Wade through the Symbolism.
Thus, they don’t pay attention to the tiny, tiny screams.)
CRANKYHEART: ~Well, %&*#$!!! That guy just stole my &$#% *# thunder! *I* wanted to kill that bloated puke-green @#*&%ing son of a *#$@&!~
WHACK: “Well, so what? I mean Grundie’s dead isn’t he?”
CRANKYHEART: ~So what??? So let’s #*&@%ing DANCE!~
(The Crankyheart hovers in the center of the Sacred Cavern, twinkling like a big, big disco ball and singing the “Saturday Night Fever” soundtrack. All the Assclown Stompers shrug and start dancing.)
A.S.S.: (totally agonizing falsettos) “MUST be the NIGHT fe- VAH! / Weeno sow doo-doo-dit! / Imago AN-EE-DEE-DEE-DOO- DOO!”
(Jeez, they act like something absolutely AWFUL isn’t about to happen!)
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