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CHAPTER ELEVEN: “Attack of the Ass-Clones!”
INT: SECRET “QUILLS FORUM -SOME CAVE
(Bickle and Hair Head and Theodoric and Toady got into the Secret “Quills” forum by going down the Deep Dark Tunnel and through Kaminski-Land, or whatever.
Yes they did.
They did absolutely NOTHING that involved getting the toad to pee on a wall of puss.)
ALL: “Absolutely!”
THEO: “I’m a little nervous. How do we know what we’re getting into here?”
BICKLE: “Well, hell, I don’t know! OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS *THAT* THING???”
(A creature that could, conceivably, at one point, have been immediately recognized as a Ken Kaminski has staggered to the top of… of whatever it was that the whole main group climbed *down* in order to get at the Sacred Cavern; I am too lazy to go back and look.)
HH: “Great Gatsby, what the hell happened to you?”
KEN: “Oh, you don’t want to know.”
BICKLE: “Damn you, yes we do!”
KEN: “Okay, fine. I’m only telling you this because it will advance the plot… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! PLOT! Oh, man, that’s fuckin’ hilarious! ‘Plot!’
“Okay, there was this big, horrible, disgusting THING down there that was so revolting, if I tried to remember exactly how awful it was, my brain would probably kill itself. And it exploded. AND it exploded with me IN it and… (deep shudder) ugh… ”
THEO: “Did this… THING… Was it covered in puss and crap?”
(If you’ve just had a big evil mutated Grundle explode around you, YOU are going to probably going to be covered in puss and crap. Acually, you may very well end up looking vaguely like this Evil Insane Watermelon Candy Donut, as Ken does right now. And our dear Theodoric is just noticing this.)
KEN: “Gurrr…”
THEO: “Um, yes. So it IS Grundie down there. Or was, cause it’s dead now. Having exploded and all. And…”
KEN: “Can I *please* maybe get into the shower before this puss stufff rrdnnz ndoo mummff…? Murrw, phhurck!”
THEO: “Oh, yeah. Go ahead.”
(He does, dripping hardened clumps of Grundie goo all over the place. The other guys are very worried.)
TOADY: “I do not think it is over!!!”
THEO: “What? The big battle thing with Grundie? How could it not be over?”
KEN: (singin’ in the shower) “DI-ni-ni nit-nit nit-nit / Di- ni-ni-ni-NI-ni / DI-ni-ni nit-nit nit-nit / Di-ni-ni-ni- ni!!!”
BICKLE: “Yeah. The bastard exploded.”
TOADY: “I am the Water Animal! I Know All! And I know that Grundie is not Done with Crankyland!”
BICKLE: “Okay, fine. Whatever.”
(They all go downstairs anyway. If they didn’t, there’d be no action in the story, would there? But Hair Head stays behind for a minute.
He stares at something.
It’s a blob of Grundie goo.
His eponymous crazy coif frizzes in apprehension.)
KEN: “I ree-CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWL Central Park in FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWL!!!!!!!!!”
HH: (suspiciously) “Ummm Vrrrrr…”
(He hops down to the Sacred Cavern.
The blobs of Grundie goo twitch…)
INT: SECRET “QUILLS” FORUM - SACRED CAVERN
DARK-NESS: ~I HAVE PLEDGED TO GUARD THIS SACRED CAVERN AND PROTECT THE CRANKYHEART!~
WRECK: “Yes, we know. You said that before. (to the Crankyheart) I suppose you will now un-possess Mad-Ness?”
CRANKYHEART: ~*&@$% yeah! I’ll do it in a sec. The ^&%#$ about it is that I gotta do it with some kinda %&^*$ing Ceremony thing. Now, get out of my #$@^%ing pond!~
PSEU: “Oh, I feel so Renewed and Restored and Stuff. Oh, yeah. I’ll get out of here.”
SLATER: “That was very weird. It was also strange. That was weird and strange.”
(Pseudonym just walks over and lies down on a rock and sighs, sinking deep into the Purification and the Renewal and the Purgation and Stuff. The little glowing fishy fairy guys swim/fly around her head.)
PSEU: “Yes… yes… yes… maybe… yes…”
FAIRY FISH: (grinning in a way that could be whimsical or sinister or both) “Ah!!!”
(The Crankygnomes [that’s what those fish fairy guys are called although they certainly aren’t cranky and they don’t really resemble gnomes] carry Pseudonym to their enchanted kingdom in the caves under Crankyland where she becomes their official Queen. There, that’s another subplot resolved.)
PSEU: “I’m off to be the Queen of Crankygnomes! I’ll visit you guys on weekends and stuff!”
A.S.S.: “Bye, Pseuey! We’ll visit you too!”
FORMER BRIGADIERS: “Richard was right! You’re one great little Brigadier!!!”
PSEU: “Oh, THANK YOU!!!”
CRANKYGNOMES: “Ah!”
(She and the Crankygnomes vanish.)
AUDIENCE: “What the hell just happened?”
DIRECTOR: (singing) “La-da-dat-dat-da-da / I was gonna write a coherent Finale, / but I am kinda buzzed on Bailey’s / Ooo-ooo-oooooooooo / It’s helping me tolerate this Evil Donut Thing sort of / I’m kinda buzzed on Bailey’s!!! / La-la-la-dat-da-dat!…”
AUDIENCE: “Oh shit.”
A.S.S.: “Oh, SHIT!!!”
INT: SECRET “QUILLS” FORUM - KAMINSKILAND, OR WHATEVER
KEN: “Oh, that’s just stupid.”
(Territoriality gets a lot of bad press, but it is actually a good thing in some respects. If you sense that you aren’t alone in the house, for example, you are going to be more on guard. If you are more on guard, then you will probably be better psychologically ready to face the little evil things that for some reason are hanging around in your hallway.)
KEN: “What?!?”
(The little Things look up at him, chirping.)
THING: “Chirp? Chirp? Nader? Global Warming? Chirp?”
KEN: “You have got to be shitting me.”
(He stomps on one of the things.)
THING: “Eep! *squish*”
OTHER THINGS: “Eek! Gun control! Or boot control, maybe! Eek!”
KEN: “Oh, fuck the lot of you! *stomp* *stomp* *stomp*”
(I have to go off on a tangent here. And this is the Wonderful Diversity of Life Tangent. There are an astonishing variety of methods in which different creatures have evolved in order to cope with a difficult and uncertain world. And we all know WHY we cope with this world now don’t we children?)
LITTLE KIDS: “To fuck every viable female in the twelve mile radius!”
(Well, you have the right idea; the REAL, ULTIMATE purpose and destiny of EVERY LIVING THING in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE is to make more of itself. It’s reproduction kids. Survival of the old Selfish Gene and all that, and sex is only one way of doing this. Many other, stranger creatures, like invertebrates and protozoans and such, use ways of reproduction that, when described, tend to strike human beings as… well… alarming.
Fission, for example; one version of which occurs when a larger creature is split into several copies of itself. The reason I brought this up is because in about a second or two, the little bits of stomped-on Things have turned into MORE Things!)
KIDS: “Huh?”
(Okay, you ever cut up an Earthworm? Each piece becomes a new worm. Now, imagine if you exploded the worm and…)
KIDS: “You are WEIRD!”
THING1: “Chirp? Looney Tunes!”
THING83: “Chirp? Beatles!”
THING912: “Chirp? Blah blah blah!”
KEN: “Damn me! (runs off) AAAAAAAAH!!!”
(The Things -we’ll call them Grundlettes or Assclones- sit around and… and… he he he he he he! Grundlettes! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!)
GRUNDLETTES: “Chirp? Why is that funny? It is not funny! It is not funny because we do not think that it is funny! It is not funny bec… oh shit.”
(Ken has returned with a blowtorch! He sucks down a packet of AB+, aims the torch at the Assclones and burns them all to bits!)
KEN: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! God DAMMIT, shut up and die already!”
GRUNDLETTES: “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!!!!!!!!”
BLOWTORCH: “FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!”
(Now there are a ton of Grundie McNuggets lying in the hallway.)
KEN: “And so… Nope, I en’t saying it.”
(DAMMIT YES YOU WILL!!!!!)
KEN: “Rrrrrrrrrrrrr… (cringes violently) andsohavingre-RE- disposedofthemonsterexitourherostage… ah, fuck it.”
HARDENED PILE OF DUCK CRAP: “…Nowwwww… yooooooou…. knowwwww… howwww.everything… YOU’VE… everrrr… eaten… feeeeeeeeeelllllls…!!!!”
(Ken flings the hardened pile of duck crap out of the cave like a frisbee, then drops to the floor and sleeps for three days strait.
Meanwhile…)
EXT: “HOW HIGH” FORUM - MENDOLAND
LEAD PRETTY GIRL: “Oh no! Our Master has been randomly decapitated with a disc of duck poop!”
PRETTY GIRLS: “What ever shall we do???”
(They look over to a deep, dark tunnel nearby. It’s the one that Tom Beer-Mendo made them promise never to go anywhere near.)
PRETTY GIRLS: “Yes, but Tom Beer-Mendo is dead now. Let’s go!”
(Meanwhile…)
INT: SECRET “QUILLS” FORUM - SACRED CAVERN
CRANKYHEART: ~Awwwl-righty! Time to doff this here crude sack of guts! I shalt speak to you #$^&*s the time I voluntarily take on a physical form! Urr, you’ll all be around in 900,000,005 years, won’t you?~
WRECK: “Um… sure.”
CRANKYHEART: ~Damn skippy! See you &^%#ing kids on the flippity-flop! Aw, you don’t have to hug me. Now, you really don’t have to bite me! Now you… AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGH WHAT THE $%&&%$#*&%%$&^%^%$#^%#&*& (*&^*&^%&^%$%$#$#@$#*%(*&^)++&&^%%#$@ IS THAT THING???????!!!?????~
GRUNDETTE: “Chirp! Nader! Gun control! Blah blah blah!!!”
SLATER: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGHHH!!!!!! All the Grundie parts are turning into a lot of little Grundies!”
DIRECTOR: “I thought we already established that?”
WHACK: “Everybody start stomping!!!!!”
WRECK: “But now all those bits left over from us stomping on them have turned them into a WHOLE lot of little Grundies!”
WULF010: “Wow, we’re pretty stupid not thinking that would inevitably happen, aren’t we?”
LRT: “Glarp.”
(Then Theodoric and Bickle and Hair Head burst in!)
THEO: “Yark and forsooth! We bring the Toad!!!”
TOADY: “Ribbit?”
GRUNDETTES: “What the hell?”
(Toady jumps down into the metric assload of Grundettes, secreting psychedelic toad goo all over the place!)
GRUNDETTES: “AIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Our EYES they BURN!!!!!”
CFL: “Hey, good work! Now the toad goo is making the Grundettes all crazy so they won’t attack us!”
GRUNDETTES: “AAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!! Look! It is the Demon Queen of Yacksgermindersnot! We must defeat her now!!!”
GWEN: “OW!!! Damn you all, stop throwing little rocks at me!”
SLATER: “Aw, they’re just throwing rocks at us. It’s not like they can do much damage. Maybe if they could fly or if they were bigger…”
GRUNDETTES: “Bwahahahaha!!!”
(Doesn’t it suck when the innocuous little assclowns you think it’s going to be easy to stomp turn out to be either shapeshifters or symbionts? Or both?
A bunch of Grundettes sprout wings at Slater’s suggestion! Some others dissolve and run together, then reform as creatures big enough to beat up the good guys!
And it’s about this time that the Crankyheart notices that, although her host is small, she IS just the right height to bitch-slap Slater across his shins with her tail.)
STATE-OF-THE-ART SFX: “TH’WHAP!!!!!”
SLATER: “OOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOO-
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
CRANKYHEART: ~Dammit you ^&^##!!! What the ^$#&&^%^% are we supposed to do NOW?????~
WRECK: “Holy crap! I just had a crazy idea!”
(And he takes the Sour-Apple Flavored Destiny and he plays the built-in Patented Audobon Dragon Call™!!!)
SWORD: “Dunt-DA-dunt-DA-du-na-
NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
A.S.S.: “Oh goody. Here comes the Gratuitous Special Effects Extravaganza!”
GRUNDETTES: “Eep?”
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