Post a response to this discussion thread
CHAPTER ONE: “In Which Planet Cranky is Purple and there’s Nothing I can… uh… Durple?”
(Now, of course, while all that insanity was happening on the surface of Planet Cranky, or whatever, other important things were occurring in space. We must go back in time a bit in order to catch up with them.)
WAYNE AND GARTH: “Diddly-boop! Diddly-boop! Diddly-boop!”
EXT: SPACE - OUTSIDE THE SHIP THAT SLATER IS ON
(A triangle-shaped spaceship slowly glides into view. It passes overhead and we can read the bumper sticker slapped onto its rear by its most important occupant.
Who does not know it yet, but he is about to make a horrible mistake!)
STICKER: “I’d rather be Whaling.”
INT: SPACE - INSIDE THE SHIP THAT SLATER IS IN
A.S.S.: “Love in an el-la-vay-tah! / Livid id up wenna go- win-dowwwww! / Inda A-YAH! / Inda AY-YAH! / Hummy waom moe TIMAH ig aig AY-YAH!!!”
(I could swear that’s what they’re saying.)
SLATER: “Oh, shit! The flange bonjulator is gone!”
HH: “Gone? Where did you see it last?”
SLATER: “Er… actually, it was leaking crap all over the place so I threw it away. (pause) We don’t need one do we?”
(Milliseconds later…)
EVERYBODY ON THAT
SHIP: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!! WE’RE
ALL GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE
VIOLENTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
INT: SPACE, AGAIN – THE SHIP THAT WULFGAR010 IS ON
A.S.S.: “The Explodie the Nuke Rating goes ‘Boom! Boom! Boom!’ / ‘Boom! Boom! Boom!’ / ‘Boom! Boom! Boom!!!’”
WULF010: “What the hell? Have the guys on the other ship ingested too much sugar? Why the hell are they doing barrel roles?”
(And then the Ship that Slater is on crashes into the Ship that Wulfgar is on!)
ALL: “Oh,
SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(Both ships careen towards the surface of ExCran and are about to crash into it!
Actually, this is kind of convenient that there is, effectively, only one ship now. I forgot who was on which one.)
ALL: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! TIME TO *CONFESS* AND/OR *REPENT*!!!”
BICKLE: “Remember the Contest? I cheated!!!”
WULF010: “Oh good! That means I won! Wait, I cheated too!!!”
LRT: “I EAT LOAM!!!!!!!!!!”
SLATER: “WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???”
LRT: “ROUND-ROBIN! MATRICIDE! LOAM!!!!!!!”
(Then, something very frightening happens!)
AUDIENCE: “Er…”
(Okay, something more frightening than Little Round Top’s insane ramblings.)
LRT: “I’ll have you know, woman, that I am the only character who makes ANY sense in this entire story! I know EXACTLY what I’m talking about!”
(Okay, sure. Where was I?
The scary thing that happens is this: A big hole opens up on the surface of ExCran! It is very fiery and scary! It looks like a huge, huge demonic eye!
Or a gigantic vagina on fire.
Yeah, um, maybe I read that first in a movie review somewhere, but which Crankizen thought that one up too? Yeah, thanks for almost ruining the movie for me. Where the heck was I?)
ALL: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!”
(The two ARROW-SHAPED SPACESHIPS get SUCKED INTO the GIANT FLAMING HOLE THING!)
BRUNO BETTLEHELM: “WAIT a minute……”
INT: EXCRAN – SOME HALLWAY-TYPE THING
(The spaceships land in some kind of a corridor or hallway type thing. The Assclown Stompers climb out of the spaceships and look around.)
LRT: (in awe) “Glarrrrp…!”
WULF010: “What is ‘glarp’? What is the meaning of this ‘glarp’?”
LRT: “What is the meaning of life?”
HH: “Actually, I think it’s just an expression of the fact that ExCran ISN’T some kind of meteor or something. It’s actually more like a big, big space station or something!”
BICKLE: “Crap! It’s a big, big fuckoff weapon of destruction!”
SLATER: “Holy shiz-tsu! This thing’s big enough to eat THREE Crankylands!”
(And, suddenly…)
TCP, DAUGHTER OF THE PLOT MECHANIC: “Oh, for the sake of {enter name of your favorite Deity here}!!!”
(She nails a sign to the side of the corridor. Then she stomps off. The sign says…)
SIGN: “ExCran’s Main Reactor Thingy is down the hall. You need to destroy that to kill ExCran.”
A.S.S.: “Oh. Okay.”
(They go down the hallway.)
INT: EXCRAN - NEAR THE MAIN REACTOR THINGY
(The Assclown Stompers race towards ExCran’s main reactor thingy. But when they get there they find that…)
WULF010: “Ah, shit! The corridor to the Main Reactor is guarded by robots! How are we ever going to get past them?”
(Something snaps inside the lawyer.)
LRT: “Yes… Yes, this is MY MOMENT!!!”
(He grabs this steel chair that just happened to be randomly sitting there with a watermelon next to the entrance of the corridor. He runs into the corridor!!!)
INT: EXCRAN - CORRIDOR GUARDED BY ROBOTS
(A bunch of bad robots are standing around inside the corridor leading to the main reactor part of ExCran, when suddenly, to their horror, they hear the music of Pyro! Or, um, Pyro’s music? Well, something like that.
I’ve made reference to a lot of things I don’t understand really in this fanfiction. I’m just taking it on the good faith I have in my loyal readers -the maybe one or two that haven’t been scared off forever- that I should fit them in because they like them. But of all the things I’ve referred to in this here story, I think I understand professional wrestling the least.)
EVIL ROBOT #1: “Beep? Boop? Beep? What the hell is that crazy music?”
EVIL ROBOT #2: “OH MY GOD! That's Little Round Top's music -- what the HELL is he doing here? (LRT barges into the corridor) HE'S GOT A STEEL CHAIR!”
BOTH ROBOTS: “HE'S GOT A STEEL CHAIR! PLEASE NO! PUT THE DAMN CHAIR DOWN! OH NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!”
LRT: “GLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!”
(Little Round Top is about to beat the crap out of the robots… um, except that the robots aren’t exactly alive and don’t have any crap inside them. Oh well.
Then the robots remember that, regardless of whether or not they have any crap inside them, they DO have built-in laser cannons. Little Round Top has got a *CHAIR* and the robots have *LASERS*.)
LRT: “Oh, this is going to suck.”
ROBOTS: “MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!”
LASERS: “Ptchoom! Ptchoom! Ptchoom!”
INT: INSIDE EXCRAN - NEAR THE CORRIDOR
(Little Round Top stumbles out of the corridor and falls down in a heap. He’s decorated with a bunch of laser scars and currently looks more like something very sketchy- looking at the fast food restaurant.)
LRT: (weakly) “Ow… space hurts…”
(The other Assclown Stompers look at him sort of proudly.
Or not.)
SLATER: “AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Somebody summoned a Vengeance Fury and she’s gonna kick all our asses!”
LRT: “No. It’s just me.”
SLATER: “Oh. Well, then, good job, Little Round Top! That was really brave of you!”
LRT: “Really?”
SLATER: (looks confused) “And I am way the hell out of character right now!”
WULF010: “You could have run back to the spaceship like a screaming little sissy, but you didn’t!”
HH: “Instead, you ran in there after those soul-less killing machines armed only with a chair like a madman!”
BICKLE: “I want a can of hash and some coffee.”
LRT: “Oh… Okay. Can I pass out in the ship now?”
ALL: “Yeah, sure.”
(They drag him back to the ship and try to decide what to do about the robots.)
INT – SPACESHIP
(Little Round Top is now all alone on the spaceship. OR IS HE?????)
LRT: “Glarp?”
THING: “Beep?”
(Little Round Top sees what the Thing is.)
LRT: “Glarp!”
THING: “Beep beep beep!”
AUDIENCE: “Uhhh…”
LRT: “You will be quiet! I have lost my mind!”
DIRECTOR: “I hadn’t noticed. O_o”
THING: “Beep. Beep beep beep beep. Beep beep!”
LRT: “I will help you achieve your Ultimate Destiny!”
THING: “Beep!”
(The Thing hugs Little Round Top… accidentally squishing him because it is much larger than he is.)
LRT: “OOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!”
THING: “Beep!”
AUDIENCE: “There’d BETTER be some ass-kicking in the next chapter!”
Post a response to this discussion thread