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CHAPTER TWELVE: “Kick Ass!!!”
INT: SECRET “QUILLS” FORUM - SACRED CAVERN
SWORD: “Dunt-DA-dunt-DA-du-na-
NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(And within seconds, the sky is full of the Mad-Ness Monster’s approximately fifty zillion relatives!)
KAWII LITTLE LESSER SPANGLES PEISTS: “Boom-diggy-diggy- diggy?”
(For No Reason At All, we cut to the Magical Shack of Cranky!)
EXT: “GRUMPY OLD MEN” FORUM - ROOF OF THE SHACK OF CRANKY
(Queen DMagic wears some kind of gold chain mail bikini thingy as she runs onto the roof.)
AUDIENCE: “Our EYES!!! AAAAAAAUUUUGH!!!!!!!”
DIRECTOR: “Hey, be glad it ain’t me that’s wearing that thing.”
(King Wonderful follows her.)
WONDERFUL: “Oh, my ANGLE!!! Yoo shore yoo wanna RIDE dat DRAGGIN???”
DMAGIC: “I assure you. (pause) That my decision. (long pause) Is the right. (LONG pause) One.”
(Queen DMagic hops on the back of one of Nessie’s older cousins. He looks very apprehensive at first.
See, it can’t be emphasized enough: these are *small* dragons we’re talking about. They’re not big enough to ride on. There’d be too much weight to worry about and they couldn’t fly properly and the minute they’d try to launch themselves into the air with humans on their backs, they’d fall, screaming, down to the Obligatory Cave Floor Festooned With Pointy Rocks.
But DMagic seems to pose no problem! Cousin Ness is intrigued by how light she is.)
COUSIN NESS: “Yeah, especially her head!”
EXT: SECRET “QUILLS” FORUM - SACRED CAVERN ENTRANCE
(The queen rides off into the fray. Even though this is very stupid as it’s unbelievably dangerous and she’ll probably fall off and plummet to the ground, dashing her pretty little brains out.)
DMAGIC: “Weeeeee!”
(But as the Peists approach the entrance to the Sacred Cavern, a swarm of nasty little flying Grundette Assclones streams out of the cave, spewing puss all the way! The good dragons quickly learn that the Grundettes are easily incinerated with Fireballs of Dubious Dimensions!
The skies above Crankyland are full of dueling dragons, fireballs, puss-balls, and the ash from incinerated Assclones!)
FLYING GRUNDETTES: “Blah blah blah. *Spew!* Blah blah blah. Aaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh!!! *POOF*”
PEISTS: “AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!! Doot? *Ptchoom! Ptchoom! Ptchoom!* EEEEEEEEUUUUUUWWW!!!!!!! *Splud! Splat!*”
(This here dragon battle is the most incredible animated sequence in any fantasy movie EVER, even ones that haven’t been made yet.)
AUDIENCE: “Yee-haw! This kicks ass!”
INT: SECRET “QUILLS” FORUM - SACRED CAVERN
(Unfortunately, because the director is retarded or something, she uses it as window dressing for Darker Mad- Ness’ battle with the bigger Grundettes.)
AUDIENCE: “Boo! This is stupid!”
DARK-NESS: ~I WILL NOT LET YOU DESTROY THE CRANKYHEART, THUS DESTROYING THE ENTIRE PLANET, OR WHATEVER!~
BIG GRUNDETTES: “Blah blah blah! We are going to destroy the Crankyheart, thus destroying the entire planet, or whatever. Blah blah blah! There is nothing you can do to stop us from doing this. Blah blah blah!”
DARK-NESS: ~I MUST STOP THESE FOUL CREATURES FROM TRYING TO DESTROY THE CRANKYHEART, THUS DESTROYING THE ENTIRE PLANET, OR WHATEVER!~
WRECK: “We, the Assclown Stomping Society, will help you in stopping the evil Grundie Spawn from destroying the Crankyheart, and thus destr... Ah, now they’ve got ME doing it!"
SLATER: “Oooh! Oooh! Me! Me! I’ll destroy the Grundie Spawn!”
WULF010: “And I will help, but only if there is a LOT of sex and violence in this final chapter thingy! Also, you will need to kind of forget about most of the other characters.”
DIRECTOR: “Okay.”
WULF010: “Cool!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!”
(Wulfgar and Slater and some other people I forgot run down into the fray and start to kick ass! They corner three of the big Grundettes! Fangs glisten! Blood flows! Innards slop all over the floor! The walls are stained red! The floors are covered in Grundie puree!)
SLATER: “GONAD MUNCHING MONKEY SHIT RETARDED FUCKING KOALA SCUM GORE… dammit, I’m spent. (reverts to just screaming angrily instead) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
WULF010: “I AM THE MOST HOLY POPE AND STOMPER OF ASSCLOWNS AND OVERALL BADASS!!!!! I AM KING! I AM HERE, BUT SOON YOU WILL *NOT* BE HERE!!! ALL OF YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES ARE ABOUT TO COME TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
LRT: (has finally gone bitch-cakes insane!) “FERRIS WHEEL! LOAM!!! MATRICIDE! ROUND-ROBIN! CONCH! GLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPP!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!”
GRUNDIES: “ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRR! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!!!!”
AUDIENCE: “This is RAD!!! Okay, that takes care of the violence for now, where’s the sex?”
(Meanwhile…)
INT: SECRET “QUILLS FORUM - SOME CAVE
KEN: “…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… rr? Ho-ly shit! (pops eyeballs back into his skull) Is this a *dream*?”
PRETTY GIRLS: “Tee-hee-hee!”
(Elsewhere…)
EXT: SECRET “QUILLS” FORUM - SACRED CAVERN ENTRANCE
FLYING GRUNDIES: “GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!! *SPEW SPEW SPEW*!!!!!”
DMAGIC: “Hey! Those little pus-dragon things are shooting fireworks for us!”
COUSIN NESS: “Erm…”
DMAGIC: “They’re celebrating us!!! They’re happy that we’re doing such a good job!!! HIGHER! HIGHER!!!”
COUSIN NESS: “OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, my back!”
(The dragon battle continues high above the entrance to the Sacred Cavern!
Meanwhile Darker Mad-Ness fights the lead big Grundie and we don’t care.
Meanwhile Wulfgar 010 kicks ass and we care a little.
Meanwhile the Pretty Girls make sure that Ken doesn’t get a lot of sleep and he doesn’t care. Or maybe it’d be more accurate to say he does not mind.
Meanwhile the characters I kind of forgot about make some popcorn and watch the Epic Battles. We don’t care whether or not we care.
Meanwhile Senator Palmer goes after this psychologist guy or something and we REALLY don’t care.
Meanwhile the Crankyheart begins to build up her power and that should probably concern us all quite a bit.)
INT: SECRET “QUILLS” FORUM - SACRED CAVERN TUNNELS
(Wulfgar 010 and the lead big Grundie Spawn have a great, violent battle in the various tunnels of the Sacred Cavern! It has had a LOT of effort and choreography and martial-arts training put into it and is a MILLION BILLION times better than ANY Epic Battle in any Crankyland Fanfiction! EVER!
I can’t describe it in detail though cause I’m too lazy.
Anyway, Bad Gwendle and her Necromidex, Little Round Top and his steel chair, and Slater wielding his little old radio antennae and dragon hamstring wand run after them. They catch up just in time to hear the Big Grundie Leader Guy accidentally reveal an Important Plot Point!)
BIG GRUNDIE: “Hssssssssss-blah-blah-blah! You cannot defeat me EVER!!! If you destroy me, then that would destroy ALL the evil Grundie spawn and I will never let you do that! Ha ha ha ha ha!!! NOW we will show YOU who is the Most Powerful!!!”
WULF010: “Oh yeah??? I am the Most Powerful because I am Very Strong!!!”
BIG GRUNDIE: “Oh yeah, well, I am Very Strong too! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! You cannot destroy me!!! My Power Level is, like, NINE-HUNDRED-BAJILLION!!!!!”
WULF010: “Oh yeah? Well, MY Power Lev…”
LRT: “Wait, didn’t we already go through this bit?”
WULF010: “Oh, yeah. Never mind then. But, anyway, *ahem* YOU WILL NOT STOP ME AS I AM A LEVEL 42 BARBARIAN!!! I HAVE THE ABILITY TO CARRY AN ADDITIONAL WEAPON AND I HAVE AN EXTRA 15% CHANCE OF SUCCESS WHEN BREAKING STUFF!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
BIG GRUNDIE: “What are you talking about? Barbarians are Foolish!!!”
WULF010: “It’s just you aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnd ME!!! Ha ha ha!!! Yeah, that’s right!”
BIG GRUNDIE: “RRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!! You are very weak! I will destroy you now!!!”
(The Big Grundie Leader Guy and Wulfgar 010 kick each others’ asses for a bit!)
WULF010: “You are Very Strong!”
BIG GRUNDIE: “So are you!”
WULF010: “That means that we are Equal in Power! I must do something Drastic! (he turns to Slater!) Slater, you must help me! Turn this evil beastie thing into some bat droppings or something!”
BIG GRUINDIE: “Ha ha ha! Do not bother! Your magic cannot affect me!”
SLATER: “Ha! Behold! I am the wielder of the Flame of Somethingorother!!!”
(Slater is about to fry the Big Grundie Leader guy with a volley of +11 Melf’s Merry Mercurial Magic Missiles!
Or he *would*, but all he can think about is the new episode of “Goth Friends” that was to premier that night. It promised to be a laugh riot. Darker Rachel and the other girl Friends were going to piss and moan about men and then dance around a table to the tune of “Just Like Heaven”. Slater recalls the preview for that scene and laughs his ass off.)
SLATER: “HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!!!”
WULF010: “Dammit! (sits down in the Lotus Position between these random pink force-field things) I’m saving my game.”
BIG GRUNDIE: “Mwahahahaha-blah-blah-blah!!!!”
(Big Grundie Leader Guy skewers Wulfgar010 with a pointy stick!!! Slater re-enters reality-land. [Or Virtual- Reality-Land, seeing as this story takes place on the internet and all. Whatever.])
SLATER: “NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
WULF010: “AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGHHH!!!!!”
BIG GRUNDIE: “HAHAHAHAHA-blah-blah-blah!!!!”
(Wulfgar manages to chip some more pixels off the Big Grundie’s counter even though he’s got a pointy stick running through his brain! He’s just a little uncoordinated. For the hell of it, Big Grundie rams more pointy sticks through him until he dies!
Slater runs over.)
SLATER: “Deja vue fucking sucks!”
LRT: “Ooh, can it be MY turn to hear some Important Last Words?”
SLATER: “Yeah, sure.”
GWEN: “And what of the Gwendle, pray tell?”
DIRECTOR: “Sorry, but any problems with that in this story are a reflection of the unapologetic male dominance of the website it is based on.”
GWEN: “Oh.”
WULF010: “Eeeerrrrgh!!! Luuuuuuuuurrrrrt… do you know… erk… how to… ungh… destroy all the Grundie Assclone things…?”
LRT: *sniffle* “I guess so… But why do I have to know? YOU’RE gonna get up and kill it, aren’t you?”
WULF010: “I’ll….. I’ll be with the… ergh… the Assclown Stompers… *forever*…!”
LRT: “Ohhh… We’ll keep your spirit alive, Wulfgar! Now, um, can I have your room?
WULF010: “DAMN YOU LAWYER SCUM! I MEAN ONE OF MY OTHER CLONES IS GOING TO TAKE MY PLACE SOON!!!”
LRT: “Oh yeah.”
WULF101: “Until… that happens… you must listen to your heart… engh… what does it tell you…?”
LRT: “Wait a sec… okay. It says, ‘da-dump, da-dump, da- dump…’”
WULF010: “I meant your intuition.”
LRT: “Oh.”
WULF010: “Do you know the way to destroy all the Grundie Spawn?”
LRT: “No! (a beat) Yes! No. All signs point to yes. No. Friends say you are clever and creative… in bed. Yes. No. 42. Yes. I don’t know.”
WULF010: “Great… *ACK!!!* (dies again)”
BIG GRUNDIE: “Um, am I still in this scene?”
SLATER: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!”
(Slater grabs the Magical Battle-Axe of Bloodening, does a spiffy flip over the Big Lead Grundie Guy, and slices him neatly in half along the midriff! Big Grundie stands there like an idiot! Little Round Top whacks the top half of the creature with his chair and he falls over!)
GWEN: “Now I will summon the Worst Demon EVER!!!!”
(The cave grows pitch dark except for an EVIL cheery pastel pink glow surrounding Gwen!)
GWEN: “Ooga-booka bing-bing dinga donga! / Wham-alama zing- zing Oompa-Loompa!”
(A huge hole opens up that is fiery and scary! Something hairy and Evil claws its way up into the cave!)
SOMETHING: “GGGGRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWLLLLLLL!!! !!!!!!!”
GWEN: “Eep?”
SOMETHING: “WHO HATH SUMMONED ME??? I SHALT NOW WIPE OUT YOU NON-BELIEVERS LIKE I SHOULD HAVE DECADES AGO!!!”
GWEN: (pointing to Slater) “Um, HE did it!”
SOMETHING: “FOR YEARS I WAS AMOUNG YOU PUNY CREATURES, IN PLAIN SIGHT! AND YET YOU STILL REFUSED TO BELIEVE IN MY EXISTANCE!!!”
SLATER: “NO!!! I always believed in you Snuffy!!! PLEEEEEEEEEEASE don’t kill me!!!”
SOMETHING: “FOOL!!! YOU NEVER BELIEVED IN MY MIGHTYNESS! READ YOUR MIND, I CAN! (pause) OH, YOU SICK LITTLE…!!!”
LRT: “Don’t crush Slater in your mighty and powerful snuffle, oh congested one! Eat the foul beast behind you instead!”
(The most Evil Demon Ever eats the top half of the Big Lead Grundie, than it returns to the very depths of Crankyland Hell. NOW our heroes can celebrate.)
ALL: “WOO-HOO-HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! WE KICK ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(Then the remaining bottom half of Big Grundie shivers, and it suddenly transforms into a NEW Lead Grundie!)
ALL: “Aw, fuck!!!”
(They run off toward the Sacred Cavern again and the Lead Grundie gives chase!)
INT: SECRET “QUILLS” FORUM - SACRED CAVERN
(The Big Lead Grundie runs smack into Darker Mad-Ness!)
BIG GRUNDIE: “You idiots just made me a lot shorter!!! You will now all die!!! Blah blah blah!!!”
DARK-NESS: ~THIS CREATURE CANNOT BE KILLED BY NORMAL MEANS! (She pauses for a moment, as if in thought.) I KNOW WHAT I MUST DO.~
WRECK: “Of course! You must use your Power of Inventing Things to save Ren!!!”
DARK-NESS: ~UH, NO. MY *FINAL DESTINY* IS TO DESTROY THIS UNHOLY BEAST BY GALLANTLY SACRIFICING MYSELF!!!~
(And so, Darker Mad-Ness flies high into the Crankyland atmosphere with the Sour-Apple-Flavored Destiny. And once the planet is only a microscopic speck in a microscopic speck, she prepares to Gallantly Sacrifice Herself!)
EXT: “2001” FORUM - SPACE
(Now Darker Mad-Ness’ gone back up to space! And she won’t have to hassle with the human race! And ya hip-hop! And ya don’t stop! Just blast-off! Sure-shot!)
DARK-NESS: ~I WILL GALLANTLY SACRIFICE MYSELF NOW!!!~
AUDIENCE: “We’ve been waiting this entire story for you to gallantly sacrifice yourself! We figured out your destiny way-ass back in the _Harry Potter_ part! So, get on with it!”
DARKER NESS: ~HERE I GO, GALLANTLY SACRIFICING MYSELF!!! (She plunges the sword into her own stomach.) MY TRUE DESTINY!!!!!!~
(And in this act, in gallantly sacrificing herself, her silhouette appears as stars in the sky. These dissolve into sort of a shield around the little planet. In her sacrifice, Darker Mad-Ness has made it harder for off- worlders to invade Crankyland!)
US LOSER ADULT FANS: (just a *little itty bitty bit* disappointed) “Woah. Uh, cool, we guess... (real quiet) That’s it?”
(And a little later, it will turn out that the shield thingy doesn’t really work, exactly.)
US LOSER ADULT FANS: “What?!?!? What a fucking cop-out!!!”
EXT: SECRET “QUILLS” FORUM - SACRED CAVERN ENTRANCE
(Fortunately, Dark-Ness’ sacrifice has had an effect on Grundie’s power! Outside the Sacred Cavern, all the Flying Grundies start freaking out, turning into random weird things and falling out of the sky. When they hit the ground, they completely dissipate into clouds of little red pixels or something. The good dragons alight in front of the cave to watch.)
DMAGIC: “Woah… They’re all like, broken and stuff!”
COUSIN NESS: “Yay! Our numbers were decimated for no reason cause we could have just waited an hour or two and nobody would have had to get hurt! Yay!!!”
DMAGIC: “Oh, waaaahhhh!!!! I wanted to keep flying around! Oh, please, PLEEEEEEEEEASE take me flying some more! Higher!!! Higher!!! Into the sun!!!”
PEISTS: “NOOOOO!!!!! She might turn the sun off with her mind!!!”
COUSIN NESS: “Grrr…”
DMAGIC: “Flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! (dee dee dee) FLYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fly HIGH against the SKY!!!!”
COUSIN NESS: “Wanna do a barrel-roll?”
DMAGIC: “Yay!”
(The little dragon does a barrel-roll and accidentally/on purpose doesn’t swoop down and catch DMagic when she inevitably falls off.)
DMAGIC: “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
PEISTS: “Oooh! Yummy! She tastes just like a Fruit-Roll- Up!”
(A bunch of other dragons DO swoop down after D. Then they go home.
As you will soon see, the charred carcass is completely skeletonized when it hits Kizzable on the head.)
KIZZ: “Huh?”
(Kizzable is impaled repeatedly by Dmagic’s falling bones.)
KIZZ: (dying) “OOOOOWWW!!! Oh, this hurts!!! Why is this happening to me? (starts crying) Ohhhhh… nobody loves meeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
AUDIENCE: (dragging an old point into the ground) “Duh, you’re a Newbie. This is how we initiate people!”
(Meanwhile…)
EXT: “GRUMPY OLD MEN” FORUM - SHACK OF CRANKY
WONDERFUL: “Whooz dat bangin down da door?”
TCP: “It is I! The Celluloid Prophet! Dragons have eaten my sister, so that makes me the Queen now. Get the hell out of my castle!”
WONDERFUL: “NO!!! PPPPPPLLLLLLTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
TCP: “Very well then!!! I will throw you to the alligators!”
WONDERFUL: “We donts HAV an ally gater pitt!”
TCP: “Damn. Well, that’s the first job for the Royal Architect, or whatever. So instead, I will use my psychic powers to banish you to a tiny, lonely planet where the only romantic gratification you will ever get for the rest of your life will be by humping stuffed toy animals! Bwahahahahahaha…”
VOICE: (very
urgent) “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
TCP: “How the heck did you get here so fast?”
KEN: (doesn’t seem to buy this explanation either) “Errr… I got psychic powers and stuff too…? Anyway, I was going to offer to eat that little freak, if you’re just going to get rid of him.”
TCP: “…”
WONDERFUL: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGH!!!!! DONUT LISTIN TO DAT MANIAC KRAMINSKEE I WILL BE GOOD AND NOT BE DA KING ILL SKRUB DA TOY-LITTS AND PAINT DA FENZ AND CLEEN OUT DA LITER BOXIS AND…”
TCP: (to Ken) “So, do you want to do the initial ripping out of his throat or shall I?”
(I think we ought to leave the Magical Shack of Cranky on that note.
Meanwhile…)
INT: SECRET “QUILLS” FORUM - SACRED CAVERN
(All we can hear is the Big Lead Grundie SCREAMING bloody murder!)
BIG GRUNDIE: “OW!”
CRANKYHEART: ~My Power Level has gone off the ^(*^$%ing CHART!!! Now I will destroy that horrible, horrible ^**&&$^$#@$##@&^%(&^%$#!!!!!!!!~
LRT: “You need to destroy him completely! Otherwise he will turn into a lot of little Grundies!”
WRECK: “Yes, we’ve already established that.”
(Big Grundie’s face has already begun to twist horribly and it pixellates and starts to fade!)
GRUNDIE: “No! Damn you all. You ruined my Evil Plan. Now I am to be destroyed. I cannot take over Crankyland anymore now that I am being destroyed. Damn. I will never again be able to blah blah blah blah blah blah…”
CRANKYHEART: ~OH… SHUT…UP!!!!!!~
(The Crankyheart slashes at Grundie! Suddenly, electricity streams from the cut out all over Grundie’s body and he starts to crystallize! His body begins to glow and turn into something like an ice sculpture.)
SLATER: “Cool! Hey, you think if we hit that thing with a shovel, it’d shatter?”
LRT: “Mwahahahaha!!!!!!!! Good idea!”
(Quick to act, Little Round Top runs up to the hideous ice creature and whacks it over the head with his steel chair! The Effects ANIMATORS take about a zillion ACID hits each and that’s why Grundie EVAPORATES into tiny pieces in an ORGY of BLINGING LIGHTING EFFECTS that are HELLA-COOL!!!)
GRUNDIE: “AH!”
(And the screen fades to stark whiteness……
To be concluded...)
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