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EPISODE SEVEN: “Ye Olde Inevitable Epilogue”
EXT: “MYSTERY MEN” FORUM - HALLS OF JUSTICE
(Cheesy music starts to play as we pan over the lovely woods and fields outside the headquarters. It’s early spring. The trees are budding, ready to soak up as much CO2 as they can without keeling over and turn it into oxygen. A bright canvas of wild daffodils, shamelessly waving their brightly colored hermaphroditic reproductive organs in the morning air, stretches out as far as the eyes can see. Birds sing in the trees, the messages [an array of insults, warnings, and the occasional booty call] in the songs played out in speeds only they can hear as normal.
The first wasp to come out of hibernation decides that she will randomly attack the bottomsies of a slightly bigger creature sunning itself nearby.)
NESS: “YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWCH!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!”
(The Mad-Ness Monster, who has Grown and Changed thanks to her briefly being the Avatar of the great Cranky Crystal…)
NESS: “Grown and Changed hell! Lemme sing the ‘Cheesy Song: Reprise’!”
(A very cheesy song, the kind you might hear in [oh, I dunno ^_^] a badly dubbed animé imported to America in the 80s begins to play as she merrily bounds over to the new Assclown Stomping Society Headquarters.)
NESS: “Wake up, flowers! / I’ve been up for hours! / There’s work to do! / Birds start flyin’! / No more me-o- myin’! / There’s work to do!”
CHARACTERS WE CAN’T SEE YET: “Everybody’s got a part to play / to start each day in a beautiful way! / Every morning when the night goes away / Every morning is a rainbow day!”
(The very cheesy song continues as Ness approaches the HQ. The different Assclown Stompers pop out of the windows to sing along. The first is Bad Gwendle. As she sings, hideous demon thingies fly up and land on her finger.)
GWEN: “Even little things / need a helping wi-ing! / There’s work to do!”
LUCIFER: “Ooh, lunch!”
(He pounces on one of Pseudonym’s little goldfinch buddies and messily devours it.)
PSEU: “Yipe!”
KEN: “Friends come! / Flyin’! / Pack away yer… (has a ‘what the hell am I *doing*?’ look) Ah, this is just sick!”
(Next up is Little Round Top, and we see him running after the cute little flying X-Monkeys with his steel chair! Now it is his turn to sing the Wonderful French “U” Verse!)
LRT: “Up and / at them!”
X-MONKEYS: “Nooooo! Nooo, STOP!!! Don’t smash us with the chair, mister! Why are you doing this? We don’t even know you! Waaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!”
LRT: (ignoring them) “You just can’t hang around when... (randomly pauses) I forget what we were doing, Erin!”
CFL: “Did you -he he he- just call me -ha ha ha- Erin???”
LRT + CFL: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!”
NESS: “Oh, great! They’ve been smoking whatever was left in Tom Beer-Mendo’s stash!”
X-MONKEYS: “Oh shintock!”
CFL: “This is Erin the Cheep, Freakin’ sssst- hahahahahahahahaahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!”
PRETTY GIRLS: “Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee!!!!!!!!”
ALL: “HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA… Wait, what was so funny?”
(The remaining Assclown Stompers; hey let’s see if I can remember even half of them! Okay, there’s Whack Chick, Wulfgar 912 [the new clone], Llamasex, Bickle, and the Wreck will show up in a bit, and… uh…)
SLATER: (spitting fire and venom) “AND WHO ELSE???!!!???”
(They pop out of their windows and sing along while bobbing their heads from side-to-side in a sublimely scary “dance”.)
A.S.S.: “Everybody’s got a part to play / to start each day in a beautiful way! / Every morning when the night goes away / Every morning is a rainbow day!… (pause) Wow, this IS sick.”
(All the Assclown Stompers head to the Lord High Justice Wreck’s room. They sing the rest of their song while standing around the Wreck. Isn’t this a nice surprise for him?)
WRECK: “Zzzzzzz… rrnph? Ah? Ah, what the hell are you all doing in here?”
(Oh, yeah. He is still asleep in bed.)
A.S.S.: (They don’t care and are still singing; and for some reason there are more voices heard then there are people onscreen) "Good morning / Dear ol’ Wre-e-eck! / We’re singing to you in bed and you’re wondering ‘what the heck’! / There's work to do!”
WRECK: “This is creepy and weird and I’m scared now. Go away.”
A.S.S.: “Oh. Okay.”
(They leave.
Later, Llamasex wakes up on the rooftop right above the courtyard.)
LLAMA: “MAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAA- AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(From here, he gets to watch the Great Holy Hot Rod attempt to give the Li-Mouse-Ine of Justice some Snugglebunnies, when he hears something. He looks over and sees...)
LLAMA: “Woah… there’s that exact same kitty from the beginning again!”
BLACK CAT: (shakes head randomly, as cats are wont to do) “Meow?”
FEMALE STOMPERS: (marching out of HQ from the llama’s left) “Everybody’s got a part to play!”
MALE STOMPERS: (they exit from the other left) “To start each day in a beautiful way!”
ALL ASSCLOWN STOMPERS: (as the Wreck walks out in the center, holding Skittles!) “Every morning when the night goes away!”
(Wreck releases the magical Skittle Rainbows, which twine around and around as we pan out! It is Pretty and Whimsical!)
WRECK: “Aw, man. Do I have to?”
A.S.S.: “You do if WE have to sing this retarded song! RRRRRGH!!!!”
WRECK: “Okay fine.”
A.S.S.: “Every morning is a Rainbow Day! / And we’ve got a pa-art to PLAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!”
(We follow the pretty Skittle Rainbows up and up and up, and the scene suddenly dissolves into what appears to be a disco ball! DIFFERENT cheesy music begins to play.)
INT: “COYOTE UGLY” FORUM - UNDERGROUND HABITRAIL BAR PLACE
(Everyone that was even just mentioned offhand in this fanfic [even people who died violently, cause I’m so damn nice] is in the bar, which has been temporarily converted into a dance hall. The floor of the bar has been cleared so that everyone can zip around on those Idiot Scooters that were popular for, like, three weeks. Lyra Belacqua randomly appears looking like some kind of weird angel.)
LYRA: (singing) “A place! / Where nobody dared to go! / The love that we came to kno-ow! / They called it Cran-kee-la- and! / The dream! / That came through a million years! / That lived on through all the tee-ess! / They came to Cran- kee-la-and!”
(Suddenly she transforms into a heavy metal chick, then a cowgirl, and then Queen Amidala.)
LYRA: “A million lights are dancing and there you are! / A shooting star! / An everlasting world and you’re here with me! / Eternally!”
DIRECTOR: “Nobody has kicked me in the head yet. I’m a little disappointed.”
LYRA: (turns back to her angel costume) “Cran-kee-la-and! (nee nee nee NEE nee!) Cran-kee-la-and!”
EVERYONE: “Now we are heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeear!”
LYRA: “Een Cran-kee-LAAA-a-a-and! / Now that I’m here / now that you’re near! / In CRAN-KEEE-LAND!!!!”
(Everyone repeats the chorus until it drills itself into the tooth of your memory. We don’t stick around but instead pan up and up to see the night sky, and a very satisfied little purple frowney face hanging where the moon usually is. The music builds and kicks ass over his soliloquy thingy.)
CRANKY: “All that you touch, and all that you see, all that you taste, all you feel. / And all that you love, and all that you hate, all you distrust, all you say. / All that you give, all that you deal, and all that you buy, beg, borrow or steal!”
(The Assclown Stomping Society comes out and joins in! Hell, you all know the words!)
ALL: “And all you create! And all you destroy! And all that you do, and all that you say… wait, didn’t we cover that one? / And all that you meet! And everyone you eat… wait, is that wrong? And all that you slice, and everyone you fight. / And all that is now, and all that is done, and all that’s to come, and Everything Under / The SUN is in tune, but the Sun is eclipsed by the MOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!”
TIN MAN’S SUPPOSEDLY EMPTY CHEST: “da-dump, da-dump, da- dump…”
AUDIENCE: “Err, this is enjoyable and all, but are we going to see any more plot resolution here?”
EVERYBODY: “OH!!! Oh yeah!”
INT: “MYSTERY MEN” FORUM - ASSCLOWN STOMPING SOCIETY’S HQ
WRECK: “Are you sure you don’t want to stay? You’d be one hell of an Assclown Stomper.”
SLATER: “Argh!!! I am STILL going to BE an Assclown Stomper! I just need to learn the (relevant pause) *Secrets* from Prince Mongo; the ones only he knows. I especially would like to learn that cool trick he did that summoned Hans and made him change time!”
NESS: “Oh yes! (evil insane ‘so… pissed… off…’ grin) When Hans made a time warp that allowed him to go back and erase Every Single New Post FROM THE *PAST* **WEEK**!!!! HA HA HA!!!!! OH, MY GOD, THAT WAS FUNNY!!!”
WHACK: “Actually, I thought it was funny. And you’re breaking character again.”
NESS: “HA HA HA!!!!!”
SLATER: “Anyway, I am going to learn the really, really cool *Secrets* and become the Most Powerful Assclown Stomper of All! Yes!!! AND THEN I WILL OVERTAKE THIS ENTIRE SUPERHERO TEAM THINGY AND YOU WILL ALL COWER BEFORE ME AND OBEY THE FRUITFUL COMMANDS OF SLATERUS-PRIME THE MIGHTY!!! SLATERNALIUS THE BOLD!!! *THE* SLATER!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!”
(Everyone just looks at him.)
WRECK: “Um…?”
SLATER: “A-ha ha… that’s just a little joke, folks! (to himself) Oh shit, I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.”
KEN: (wearing an evil, evil grin cause he’s about to steal Slater’s idea…) “Bwahahahaha… hmm…? (thinks a minute, then shakes head) Nah, fuck it.”
PSEU: (very quiet) “Whew!”
GWEN: “Hey, look! Some invisible person is drawing evil symbols in moose blood on the walls! Cool!”
(The Lord High Justice makes a noise in the back of his throat not unlike that of a severely injured moose.)
WRECK: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! HE’S BACK!!!!!”
YET **ANOTHER** OMINOUS MESSAGE: “!!!egnever ym evah lliw I !ygniht puenil denitsedyknakC eht gnitniat pots srecoF retalS eht dna sreidagirB eht fi yltneloiV eiD lliw llA”
LLAMA: “Huh?”
ZARQUON: “You freaks better understand my message!!! It’s a big pain in the ass to write backwards like that! I will return in twenty-five of your puny seconds and if there are any more non-Crankydestined in this building, I’ll eat all your brains! (ominous as hell) I will absorb your wisdom - your sweet, delicious Fruit-Roll-Up flavored wisdom! I will be among you soon!”
A.S.S.: “Oh SHIT! What are we going to do???!!!???”
WRECK: “There is only one thing that we *can* do! (pause) We run like hell and hide.”
WULF912: “Aurgch! Oi thawt sewe!”
GWEN: “What?”
AUDIENCE: “This decision was brought to you by the Official Plot Mechanics in Charge of Sequel Set-Ups!”
DIRECTOR: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! If you crazy kids want a sequel, you’re all going to have to write it yourself!!!”
AUDIENCE: “Okay fine.”
(And on that note, we flash forward a bit. The Great Prophet Zarquon appears in a completely deserted Halls of Justice. Everything is gone. There is not a single Assclown Stomper in sight.
But for the thumping bass line of some 80’s rock sounding song, there is complete silence.)
ZARQUON: “Damn! I was hoping that I would get to eat some brains! Wait, what’s that?”
(There is a note tacked to a bare wall. Zarquon plucks it off and reads it. He is infuriated!)
ZARQUON: “Grr! Argh!”
(As the note is read to us, we see a rather foggy montage of Assclown Stompers during the last twenty-five seconds using the Brigade teleporters, the Vehicles of Justice, and [in a few cases] their newly discovered and not very well honed psychic powers to get everything the hell out of the Headquarters and into a Secret Location. Then we see them removing themselves from the buildings.
The note says…)
KEN: (voice-over) “’Tuesday, March 12, 2002; Halls of Justice, “Mystery Men” Forum 60062; Dear Mr. Zarquon,
“’We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice these two different headquarters for whatever bug you’ve got up your…’ (a beat) Oh, this is another set-up!!!”
WULF912: (voice-over) “Naw t’aint! Naow ye keep writin’ aught bool-shite why-yel we dew y’impaartint stoof, aurr eeyelss yeer goan tew ye Say-kret Lookayt-shun een foy-eev duffrant sootcaysis!!!”
(There is a long, long pause…)
KEN: “What?”
WULF912: “AAAAAAAAAAAARRRGH!!!”
KEN: “AHH!!! Okay, fine! ‘However, we’re not going to disband. We think you are insane. Actually, insane doesn’t cover the half of it. We think you are really, REALLY insane.’ Yeah, nice work, Monster.”
NESS: (very happy v-o) “I *helped*!!!”
KEN: “Uh… yeah. ‘You are especially crazy to think we ever *would* break up. What the hell do you care? Why is it any of your buisiness?’”
WRECK: (v-o, you get the idea) “Er… he’s my dad.”
KEN: “Oh.”
WRECK: “And you misspelt Buisi…”
(There is a demonic snarl followed by the sound of somebody getting smacked with a flying brick.)
WRECK: “Ooooooowwwwww!!!!!!! Nnngh… ookay! Ookay, gno, yer rig’t… ow…”
KILNSTAR: “I STILL don’t understaaaaaaaaand!!!!”
WHACK: “Am I going to have to separate you guys?”
KEN: “A-hem, ‘It is VERY CLEAR that this blending of Crankyland’s major superhero teams…’ or whatever ‘…can WORK TOGETHER and also COOPERATE and SAVE THE ENTIRE PLANET…’ or whatever. ‘Also, our latest adventure proved that we are all BETTER PEOPLE from the experience.’ Hrm…”
CFL: “Okay, that works; good first draft. Now I’ll type out the 5,003 page final version!”
GWEN: “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! We don’t have time!!!!”
LUCIFER: “Yes, just wrap up this version so we can get out of here!”
KEN: “This has been one long-ass twenty five seconds. Anyway, ‘What we found out was that each and every one of us is…’ I think I’m going to be sick. ‘…every one of us is (sound of teeth grinding) an Assclown Stomper, AND Slater Force-er…’ whatever the hell THAT is, ‘A Brigadier and a Crankydestined, and a However-You-Wish-to-Categorize-All- the-Random-People-and-Creatures-We-Picked-Up. Does that answer your question?’”
LRT: “What question?”
KEN: “Oh, shut up! ‘Sincerely yours’ -emphasis on the ‘Sin’, ha ha- ‘the Assclown Stomping Society.’”
(The image we see over that last bit is of Slater in silhouette walking away from the Halls of Justice and triumphantly punching the air!)
TITLE CARD: “The End!”
SMALLER TITLE CARD: “This story was about… um… a whole big mess of random crap which you may be able to sort out if you go back and read it over again. And don’t forget to buy some of my nice, tasty Orange Drink!”
DIRECTOR: “Ohhhh…. it’s all over! I might cry! (pause) Nah.”
AUDIENCE: “YAAAAAAAY!!!! We can go back to our normal lives now!”
ADULTS WHO DON'T GET IT: “What the hell was I just watching? I don't understand what happened at all! I am going to assume this show is stupid because I've never sat down and watched enough episodes to know what's going on! I have to go to the Shop-N-Drop and get more bran flakes! Nag nag nag AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!! KA-BOOM!”
('Nother one of those pesky Fireballs of Dubious Dimensions.)
NESS: (wearing the most innocent face imaginable, given the circumstances) “Er... What?”
*FINIT*
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