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THE CAST (in order of appearance; those with a star are or were actual Crankizens at some point or other):
The Retard in the Theater*, Conqueror*, S1ater* (Slater’s sissy little clone), Geodesy*, the late Michael Hutchence of INXS, and the Ever-So Loyal Audience. Violet Beauregarde*, the Redundant One*, the Gold Finches, Pseudonym*, Presley*, Grundle*, X-Man*, Mendo*, the Godmother*, Llamasex*, the Asskickasaurs, and Richard B. Bernstein* (well, sort of). The Great Li-Mouse-Ine of Justice, The Lord High Justice Wreck*, Wulfgar*, Mayor Bob*, Junkyard Dog*, Haido*, Whack Chick*, Ken Kaminski*, Jack-em-up Jackal*, Mad Ness Monster* (dammit, look how long that took!!!), Lyra Belaqua*, some Carnivorous Demon Squirrel Things, and the Plot Mechanics. The Oompa- Loompas, Mr. Mucus* (as Disembodied Brain in a Fluid-Filled Jar), Darker Mad-Ness (my own non-existent Evil Clone thing), Slater*, and Becker and Hedge of Steely Dan. Ken Ichijuji (sp?) the Evil Digi-Emporer, Mammothmon, Gatsomon, Datamon, and Wormon (shoot me). Batz Maru* (or Slim Shady, or Corduroy Thong or whatever), Zoltar and Zorkstein of the Zygort Kidnap Special X-17, and the Speedboat of Justice. Bad Gwendle*, Cthulu and other Lovecraftian demonic horrors, the Bush Tits, Britney Spears (as Evil Incarnate), and a pair of Cynodonts from Maine. PsychoRabbit*, Rannoch the Deer, the Interpretive Dancers from the cheesy Academy Awards production numbers and the like, Senator Bulworth*, and Senator Bulworth’s hot ass. The Great Forest Dæmon and those creepy cheese-headed thingies from “Mononoke Hime”, Small One the Great Holy Hot Rod (or whatever), and Slather* (another sissy Slater clone). Whispers-and- Sabrina* (as Whispers Paw; does somebody want to explain that handle or do I not want to know?), Lucifer G. 61*, Nick the Knife*, the Greater Reticulated Rustle, Ben Affleck, and some visitors from Yesterdayland.com (the closest thing to a real Bizarro-Crankyland I’ve ever found). The Space Aardvarks from Dimension Q*, the cast of “Theodore Rex”, Beast* and his record collection, the Let’s-Crush-Some-Heads-in-a-Vice Girls, and some cute little puppies. The Director’s hot Angel Muse guys, Screwtape*, Bickle*, Explodie the Nuke Rating, and the cast of the movie “Duets” including some other chick named Gwen. Mia Wallace*, Bubbles Powerpuff*, Cyclops, Superman and the Spamminator. The ghosts of Two Women Escaping in a Phonebooth*, Roy Foltrigg*, Nice Tasty Salad* and Hanuman*. Mon Cul*, Wrath of Dog*, the Unseelie Court, Joe Average*, the Killer Furniture*, Startled Cat* and Old Yorkshireman*. Goliath, Brooklyn, and Lexington the Gargoyles. Ingrid Newkirk, and the rats and chickens, who, on the planet PeTA is from, are more important that AIDS patients and Holocaust victims, respectively. *NoisrevnI .rM (sort of), Simon the Great*, Becky Sharp* and her imaginary clones, Becky Dull, Becky Obtuse, Becky Blunt Object and Becky Streemofcreamedcorn. Miss Cleo*, Drew Atredies* and entourage, the Sorting Hat, and the Chzirtmaqueyst Ixctylmabkinrlet. Mr. Wonderful* and his relatives*, DMagic*, the Nut-Hatches, Mr. Cranky*, and Misenthropic Bitch*. Dr. Caesar Backside*, an Analvice, some ghosts, and Norbert the horribly mutilated baby dragon. Dave Matthews, Farkle the Lemur, Slothrop*, Liquid Sunshine* (as Dr. Moron). The Beanie Babies Maul the Rottweiler, Borg the Ant Queen, Lion Food the Antelope, Poop the Barely-Avoiding-a-Copyright-Infringement Bear [whom I am NOT making up, by the way], Chewy the Squid, Dead Meat the Spotted Owl, and Ty the Obscenely Rich Human. Tom Green, Chica*, Dokugomon, Smear-On-the-Logan- Runway the Snow Owl, Dark Horse*, Bobo*, and the stupid little Map from “Dora the Explorer”. Coaster*, a bunch of hideously deformed mutants, YoYo Ma, the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers and my sister. Skilly*, Slopilly*, the cast and crew of “Saving Private Ryan”, Pee-Wee Herman and his pet talking chair Chairy. Many animals with too many heads, E.T., David Lightman, some “Furries” and “Draconics” and “Otherkin” and other people who need to see a shrink NOW. Little Round Top*, Kilnstar the Brick, a Nanny Goat, and Mad-Ness’ approximately fifty-zillion relatives. The X- Monkeys*, Speaker 4 Dead*, Parca Mortem*, and Ken’s band whatever their real name is (actually, I’m curious as to what it really is; but if they haven’t decided on one you may use one of my suggestions). Stevie Nicks, the Twin Riff-Raff Troll Things from “Keanu Reeves in Toyland”, and a very frightened Python. The bad mailman from “Olive, the Other Reindeer”, some other Angels, Thanatos*, and the parade from “Aladdin” and some Random Zombie Biker Guys. The Evil Giant Annalee Dolls from “Keanu in Toyland”, the Orwellian Devices of Darkness, Michael Bolton, some Bad Punk-ass Kids, the Grundle Trolls from the “My Little Pony” movie, and the mysterious JabBerwoCk. Elzar, Elmo, Britney Spears’ Sheep Fans, some more Punks, the animated versions of the Cranky Brigade, and Nikko the Random Cute Dog. A bunch of Little Orphan Kids and the Kenny-eating Rats from “South Park”. The Burley Alien Gauchos, Vomit, Secrete, Writhe and Visceral and their Queen. QuesterX*, Shadow*, a Cubic Fuckton of Rabid Opossums, and international recording superstar Shakira. Hazel-Rah*, Bruno Bettlehelm, Sara Harris and Mace*. Tyler Durdin*, HairHead*, Karen G.*, StarGazer*, and Zippy the Chainsaw. BatRay*, Monkey King*, Justin, J.C., Dopey, Sneezy, Dasher, Dancer, Winkin, Blinkin, Jokey, Hefty, and Weena Mercator as the Hopping Woman. Some Battle Droid thingies, Homeboy*, gibberish-speaking alien guys, Quagmar*, Hunter*, and the Great Prophet Zarquon* and his fairy entourage. Marahuté the Great Golden Eagle, Theodoric*, Hans* (as Balrog the White), Mr. Smiley*, and Ads Suck and his/its various mutations merged into one Ultra-Troll*. The Dark Riders, some Cute Things like porcupines and monkeys, some Loam, Jennifer Connelly, and Old Man Willow. An armadillo, Mendo’s Pretty Girls, Eamon J. Doyle* and his Bad Poet Friends, B.J. Quack-Quack*, and the Celluloid Prophet*. Dratini-string of random numbers I forget*, Godzilla*, and Gorgo*. Some Australopithecans, the Retarded Backpack from “Dora the Explorer”, the cast of “Goth Friends”, Prince Mongo*, and the Boogie Bass*. The Bad Robots who guard ExCran’s innards, the punks’ heathen monkey spawn, Über*, Mikurtis*, an immature Little Blue Heron, a vole, some blackbirds, and some vultures. Thet evil demon “zoom zoom” car commercial child, the Sweet Zarquon Singing Fishies (or Crankygnomes or whatever), those evil demonic Candy Donuts, Toady*, the Evil Mutant Shapeshifting Grundie Assclone Thingies, the horrifying Mr. Snuffleupagus* and Kizzable*.
TOTAL NUMBER OF CRANKIZENS: 101
THE SOUNDTRACK (These are both the actual songs that are in this and ones that I either had in my head or were being way overplayed at the time. If you want to be as insane and obsessive as I am, try to download as many of them as you can, burn a CD, and read the whole damn fanfic over again with musical accompaniment.)
James Kolchaka Superstar - “Monkey vs. Robot” (If Crankyland does not have a notional anthem yet, can this be it?)
INXS – “Never Tear Us Apart”
Cast of “Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer” – “Brand New Day”
Olivia Newton-John and… err… some guy from ELO I think – “Suddenly”
Depeche Mode - “Policy of Truth”
Nelly Fertardo - “Turn off the Lights”
Steely Dan – “Hey, Nineteen”
Icicle Works – “(Whisper to a) Scream”
Third Eye Blind – “Semi-Charmed Life”
Cast of “Pocahontas” – “Colors of the Wind”
Tori Amos – Actually I didn’t have any one song in my head during the “8th Dimension” adventure, so you may pick your favorite one.
Soho – “Hippie Chick”
Michael Jackson – “Thriller”
New Kids on the Block – “Games”
The music from when Bender is sneaking around in the ventilation in “the Breakfast Club”
The “Deet! Deet! Dee-dee-dee deee deet!” theme song from “Powerpuff Girls”
Whitesnake (I think) – “Is This Love?”
Mr. Mackie – That song he sings after marrying the hippie girl
The Power Station – “Some Like it Hot”
Blues Traveler – “the Mountains Win Again”
Dream Academy – “Life in a Northern Town”
Dave Matthew’s Band – “the Last Stop”
Pink Floyd – “Breathe”
The Cast of “Annie” – that fucking pointless “Let’s Go To the Movies” song
Pink Floyd – “Wish You Were Here”
Olivia Newton-John – “Magic”
Weezer – “Island in the Sun”
The Cast of “Dora the Explorer” – “Dora the Explorer Theme Songs”
Ohio Players / Red Hot Chili Peppers (pick your favorite version) – “Love Rollercoaster”
Dave Matthew’s Band – “Stone”
Creed – “With Arms Wide Open”
Gary Numan (sp?) – “Cars”
Figment and Dreamfinder – “Old School Journey Into Imagination Theme Songs”
Corey Hart – “Never Surrender”
Rexx ‘n’ Effexx – “Rump Shaker”
Michael Jackson – “Captain EO Theme Song”
Waitresses – “Christmas Rapping”
Cast of “Yogi’s First Christmas” – “Shittacular Opening Theme Song”
Fleetwood Mack – “Landslide”
Erm… I don’t know – “Disco Inferno”
Band Aid – “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”
New Kids on the Block – “Funky, Funky Christmas”
Bon Jovi – “What do You Get a Wookie for Christmas (When he Already has a Comb)?”
Britney Spears – “I’m a Slave for You”
Joni Mitchell – “the River (a Story for Christmas)”
N*SYNC – “Gone”
The Cast of “the Small One” – “Theme from ‘the Small One’”
New Kids on the Block – “Last Night, I Saw Santa Claus”
New Kids on the Block – “This One’s For the Children” (shoot me)
Bobo – “the Slater Song (based off ‘the Dreidel Song’ – traditional)”
Some Soft-Rock Weenie from the 70s – “Him!”
Michael Jackson – “Theme from ‘Ben’”
The Knack – “My Sharona”
The Cast of the Insane “Santa Claus” Movie from Mexico from the 60s – “Merry Christmas Everyone!”
The Cast of the Even MORE Insane Michael Jackson Movie “Ghosts” – “Theme from ‘Ghosts’”
Chester of “Sifl and Olly” – “Chester’s Super Day Song”
Shakira – “Suerté (Wherever, Whenever)”
Traditional (though I happen to like the Muppet version) – “the 12 Days of Christmas”
Traditional (though I happen to like the Simpsons version) – “Jingle Bells”
Billy Ray Cyrus (or whatever) – “Achy Breaky Heart”
Cast of “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” – “I’ve got a Golden Ticket!”
I have NO idea – “I am Woman, Hear me Roar”
Pearl Jam – “Alive”
Olly Moonrocks of “Sifle and Olly” – “Star Lover”
Mariah Carey – “Dream Lover” (barf)
Pink Floyd – “Echos”
Dianne Warren – “Whatever Your Favorite Stupid Movie Song From Her is”
Aerosmith – “Anything That Isn’t ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’”
Cast of “the Simpsons” – the “I Want to Go to Mount Splashmore!” song
Styx – “Come Sail Away”
Janet Jackson and Missy Elliot – Their very, very strange cover version of “You’re So Vain”
Nine Inch Nails – “closer”
Moving Pictures – “What About Me?” (double barf)
The Cast of “the Wizard of OZ” – “We’re Off to See the Wizard” or “Follow the Yellow-Brick Road” or “Brain Damage / Eclipse” or whatever
The Cast of “Chuck and Buck” – “Fun, Fun, Fun!”
Elton John – “Tiny Dancer”
Pat Benetar – “Invincible”
Ice Cube – “Check Yo’self Before ya Wreck Yo’self” (groan, groan, groan)
The Cast of “Freakazoid” – “Huntsman Theme”
Led Zeppelin – “Ramble On”
Steppenwolf – “Magic Carpet Ride”
Fleetwood Mac – “My Little Demon”
Duran Duran – “Rio”
The Cast of “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” – “the Ballad of Sir Robin”
The Cast of some Disney Cartoons – “Macho Duck”
Some Guy – “Splish Splash!”
Aerosmith – “Love in an Elevator”
Traditional - “the Wheels on the Bus”
Some 80’s rock weenie - “You’ve Got the Touch!”
Republica - “Ready to Go”
T’il Tuesday - “Comin’ Up Close”
Some asinine 50’s band that it’s really hard to convince us 80’s kids that they really existed and that anybody could have possibly liked them (I invite future children to doubt the existence of, say, Loverboy) - “Yummy, Yummy, Yummy (I got Love in my Tummy)”
Yello - “Oh, YEAH!”
The Bee-Gees - “Night Fever”
A-Ha - “Take on Me”
The cast of “Ferris Buellar’s Day Off” - “Danke Shoen (how the hell do you spell that?)”
Afro-Man - “I got High”
The Cure - “Just Like Heaven”
Blondie - “RAPture
Bette Midler - “the Wind Beneath my Wings”
Olivia Newton John - “Xanadu main theme”
Pink Floyd - “Brain Damage / Eclipse”
Simple Minds - “Don’t Forget About Me (theme from ‘the Breakfast Club’)”
RANDOM DRUG REFERENCES:
#1 – WRECK: “Team B will stay in the car and get high and laugh at things that are remotely amusing.”
#2 – DIRECTOR: “*IMPORTANT WARNING* The following few chapters are brought to you by whatever funky-ass shit is in these cold pills. I apologize in advance.”
#3 – ALL of Episode One, Chapter Seven!
#4 – KEN: “Woah, the walls are melting again…”
#5 – Practically ALL of Episode Two, Chapter Four!
#6 – GWENYTH PALTROW: (puff, puff, give…) “Aweeeeey from heeeeeeeeeeeere….”
#7 – DREW: “HEY! Don’t bogart the Spice (a hallucinogenic in Frank Herbert’s universe)!!!”
#8 – SORTING HAT: “Hmm, Roacherin, Reeferclaw, Puffpuffpuff, or Ganjador?”
#9 – Sex-Type Thing and Mendo get *wikkid* high in Episode Three, Chapter Three.
#10 – M.E.B.: “I know we’re in Cyberspace here, so the brownies aren’t real, but I’ve found the Special Ingredient still works.”
#11 – Damn near ALL of Episode Three, Chapter Five.
#12 – GWEN: (winces as she Partakes) “AH!!! I think… I think Drew might have snuck some Spice into this shit…”
#13 – VI: “Aww, honey. Stop being such a crackhead, mm- kay?”
#14 – DIRECTOR: “This is a good time to make something very clear. I cannot emphasize enough the fact that I am NOT on drugs right now. What’s more pitiful? Thinking up weird stuff while on drugs? Thinking this way normally? Discuss.”
#15 – KEN AND SLATER: “Somebody PLEASE tell us we’re both tripping our asses off right now!”
#16 – MAP: “You wanna get high?”
#17 – DIRECTOR: “Just so you know, I am currently drinking this funky el-cheepo Coca-Cola rip-off I found in my basement. It’s from Shaws. There has not been a Shaws in my neighborhood since, I think, 1987. Hoody-hoo!!!”
#18 – VI: “Dude, are you high???”
#19 – DIRECTOR: “Fuck you all! Ha ha ha!!! If I wanna drink myself into a fakie Coca-Cola from 1987 induced hallucination, that’s MY problem!!! WOOOOOO-WEEEEEEE!!!!!!”
#20 – It is said that the Wreck ingests WAAAAAY too many sugary toaster pastries in an attempt to calm his nerves.
#21 – KEN: (scared shitless) “I am going to survive this entire Episode by willing myself into another damn alien spooge-induced hallucination.”
#22 – Little Round Top drinks some “Evil Mutant Czech Booze” in Episode Four, Chapter Four. I suppose that counts.
#23 – RED: “Ah, jeez, man, yer not trippin’ again are you?”
#24 – DIRECTOR: “What the hell is in this Egg Nogg?”
#25 – DIRECTOR: “I am not high right now. I dearly wish I was.”
#26 – The animators of the monsters in “the Mummy Returns” are accused of smoking crack.
#27 – The Crankmas party involves something called a Crankmas Cannibus.
#28 – DIRECTOR: “I was trying to polish of the extra egg nogg and the sketchy Christmas cookies I baked when I came up with this next scene.”
#29 – Damn near ALL of Episode Five, Chapter Six.
#30 – Mad-Ness accuses the Great Prophet Zarquon of being a “normal” Crankizen who happens to be dropping acid whenever they are posting as the character.
#31 – Zarquon and his fairies use their magic to completely mind-fuck the Crankizens.
#32 – ZARQUON: “I think all that ‘technology’ or special brownies or something has fuddled your brain!”
#33 – FAIRIES: “Let’s eat some mushrooms!”
#34 – Old Man Willow makes Creep, Freak, Loser dream about Jennifer Connelly.
#35 – Tom Beer-Mendo arrives bearing ‘shrooms.
#36 – Mendo lives in an enchanted hill in the “How High?” forum.
#37 – Bad Gwendle gets a whiff of Mendo’s herbs and can see into the Octarine (don’t ask).
#38 – DIRECTOR: “I am so incredibly NOT HIGH right now that it isn’t even funny.”
#39 – Mendo’s song about “flowers up your nose!” makes me wonder…
#40 – So do the songs by the Eamon J. Doyle Experience.
#41 - Little Round Top goes into space and starts speaking gibberish.
#42 - HOT ROD: “First ya got to smoke a little of my Doobage.”
#43 - Cranky flies towards the Shack of Crankiness, which is where he last saw Grundie. The effect is something like “ZardOz” only on more hallucinogenics.
#44 - Mr. Smiley downs some E and humps things.
#45 - The Director notices some *strange* suggestions in Microsoft Word’s grammar check and accuses Bill Gates of being able to afford some *really* good drugs.
#46 - DIRECTOR: (singing) “La-da-dat-dat-da-da / I was gonna write a coherent Finale, / but I am kinda buzzed on Bailey’s / Ooo-ooo-oooooooooo / It’s helping me tolerate this Evil Donut Thing sort of / I’m kinda buzzed on Bailey’s!!! / La-la-la-dat-da-dat!…”
#47 - Toady is scared by the Assclones and he squirts psychedelic toad goo all over the place, making them go all insane.
All the songs and characters and whatever that I did not think up myself are copyrighted to their respective owners. This fanfiction was not meant to be a personal attack against anyone (well, except maybe X-Man) in any way at all. Especial thanks are in order for all the Newbies I initiated in this (I think we’ve got a record here), and to all the readers, in particular those of you who have made it this far without going insane.
Well, I’m kind of both sad and happy that this is over. Happy because, as I said before, this is my last Cranky fanfic I’m writing by myself and I finally get to make up for not spending all this time on, say, coming up with adventures for my own characters. And sad because, well, I’m going to miss writing this in a weird way. Anyway, thank you all for enjoying it!
“What?!? Huh?!?”
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