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CHAPTER TWO: “In Which There will Soon be Some Ass-Kicking, I Promise!”
INT: “SPACE COWBOYS” FORUM – CRANKYLAND SPACE FORCE TYPE PLACE
(Becky Sharp has a new job! She’s an intern at the Crankyland Space Force Type Place! Isn’t that exciting?)
BECKY: “Well, it WOULD be IF it wasn’t just being a tour guide and herding around stupid people and their heathen monkey spawn and… (she enters the room where the tourists are waiting and immediately switches to Lawful Good)…HI!!! Are there any questions before we go into the main part of the building? Yes?”
(The Tourists and their Children are all wearing cute, newly crocheted scarves and mittens. They ask their burning questions.)
PUNK 1: “How do they fly those rocket things into SPACE without crashing into that blue stuff up there?”
BECKY: “Uh…”
KIDS: “Are we going to get to see anything explode today???”
(And so it goes.)
BECKY: “We’re walking, we’re walking. Now, this is the nerve center of Crankyland Space Force, where the Guys in the Control Center watch the spaceships. Yes, there’s a question in the back?”
PUNK 2: “Er, does purple suit me?”
BECKY: “Uh…”
AUDIENCE: “Um, we hate to interrupt as it may take time away from the alleged Ass Kicking that is supposedly going to happen soon, but did we not witness this woman here DYING VIOLENTLY???”
BECKY: (deer-in-the-headlights look) “Duh…. Ha ha ha!!! Well, gee, children, look at the people in the control center thingy! They’re in there to make sure that the rockets get to their destination safely! Let’s watch!”
KIDS: “Oooh!”
(And, in the control center thingy…)
CONTROL CENTER
GUYS: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE SHIPS JUST CRASHED INTO EACH
OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
PUNKS: “WHAT!!!???!!! HA HA HA!!! Those guys in there SUCK! They thinkee they so smartee, with their meckaneeks! (slobber all over themselves) Weesa no likee the smartee peoples!”
BECKY: “Uh… this is nothing out of the ordinary! Ships collide all the time! It makes the Director not loose track of where all the characters are!”
CONTROL CENTER
GUYS: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW THEY’VE BEEN SUCKED INTO THAT EXCRAN
THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN
NOBODY SAVE US????????”
BECKY: (her eyes light up) “This is my MO-MENT!!!! / Damn all of yours!!!”
PUNKS: “Hey! You’re mean! >:(“
(The punks run home crying to their mommies. Becky Sharp runs into the control center place, and the punks’ spawn follow her.)
KIDS: “Yay! Our parents abandoned us!”
BECKY: “I’m an Intern! I know stuff about space! I can help you!”
ÜBER: “YOU?!? Girls are yucky!!!”
EVERYONE: “Oh, SHUT UP!!!!”
(Über shuts up. This is good because the Director never really paid any attention to that little brat anyway.)
MIKURTIS: “Both ships have been swallowed by the evil ExCran entity. It ate them and then Bugs Bunny sang a popular song from the Wartime Era as he ran for President and his running mate developed a split personality and married both twins from ‘Sister, Sister’. They all moved to Cephallonia and captured the enchanted Glitter-Toothed Flying Haddock of Doom, who terrorized the land of the Puce Fairy Queen. She thanked them all and gave them a magical singing Javanese Butterfly Lizard named Neeble-nee. Now they all live in the land of blow-jobs, and Neeble-nee serenades them every night.”
(Oh, my! The kids just loved Mikurtis’ fun story!)
KIDS: (Very, very scared and confused) “………B-e-c-k-y………?”
BECKY: “Mik, why don’t you take the little punk kids into the basement where they’ll be safe in case the Going-Into- Space Team screws up and sends parts of ExCran falling down on us or something.”
MIKURTIS: “Okay!”
KIDS: “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
BECKY: “Now, what exactly are we seeing here?”
QUAGMAR: “Well, we’re seeing the ships having been sucked into ExCran. We can only wonder what’s going on inside.”
BECKY: “You are right! What’s happening in space???”
INT: SPACE – INSIDE EXCRAN, JUST OUTSIDE THE SPACESHIP
LRT: “Are you sure you must do this in secret?”
THING: “Beep! Beep!”
LRT: Well, how do you expect me to get the Stone?”
THING: “Beep!!!”
LRT: “Oh, you’ve had it all along?”
THING: “Beep!”
LRT: “Well, I suppose it makes sense that you’re naturally on good terms with the Deus ex Machinas, or Plot Mechanics, or whatever you like to call them. Let us go.”
(They do.)
AUDIENCE: “What in the hell is going ON???”
DIRECTOR: (wikkid sad) “Ohhh… you’re going to *kill* me…!”
(Meanwhile, the other Assclown Stompers have decided what to do about ExCran.)
WULF010: “Damn it all, I think we should all just kick ass with alacrity!!!”
HH: “Wouldn’t it be a better idea to think of a plan and try to trick the robots or something?”
WULF010: “No I don’t. I think that idea is stupid. Do you want to know WHY I think your idea is stupid and that my plan to just charge in and kick a lot of ass is good?”
HH: (Well, he doesn’t really have a choice does he?) “I guess.”
WULF010: (screaming) “BECAUSE I HAVEN’T GOT TO KICK *ANY* ASS IN THIS ENTIRE FUCKING FANFICTION!!!!!!!!!”
A.S.S.: (having just had the hell intimidated out of them) “Okay!”
INT: EXCRAN - CORRIDOR GUARDED BY ROBOTS
(The A.S.S. barge into the corridor catching the robots off guard! Lasers flare! Steel chairs are thrown! There’s screaming and crying and kicking and punching and, finally, in the middle of the mêlée…)
WULF010: “Gggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroowwwwl…………!”
(…in the middle of the mêlée, it’s clear that Wulfgar 010 has had it!)
WULF010: “AW, FUCK EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(He buries the blade of his axe into the floor of the corridor, hoping that the floor will break up and the robots will fall through or something…
But something worse happens.)
WULF010: (gravely) “Oh…”
(The floor shudders horribly. The walls seem to cave in momentarily. The ceilings flash in different colors. The robots act erratic, as animals do when anticipating an Earthquake.
And then, there is a sound. An awful, awful sound that seems to come from the very hallways and corridors.
And it is from this sound that our heroes learn the terrifying truth about the nature of ExCran.)
EXCRAN:
~RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SSSSSSSSSSLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~
WULF010: (very small voice) “…oh…shit…”
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