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SPECIAL PARANOIA-FULED NOTE: If this Chapter or the next one made Cranky mad or something, I sincerely apologize! I apologize for not knowing how to spell sincerely also. _______________________________________________________
CHAPTER FOUR: “Free Cranky 3: the Rescue!”
EXT: “SE7EN” FORUM - DESOLATE PLACE NEAR A HIGHWAY SOMEWHERE
(In the distance, we see one of the landing pods from the spaceships landing in the desert [Wait, was it a desert in “Se7en”? Been a while since I’ve seen it, but I remember the city that the rest of the movie is set in is all rainy so it probably wasn’t anywhere near a desert. Maybe it was a big, big salt marsh or something? I know absolutely NOTHING about deserts, but there are a lot of salt marshes where I live and they’re pretty evocative. Yeah. Okay, start over.]
In the distance, we see one of the landing pods from the spaceships landing in the big, big desolate salt marsh. In the middle-distance we see a few scruffy-looking bare trees that look more like big sticks stuck in the ground. Bleached logs look like bones growing out of the clay. Several resilient species of grass scratch out a living here; if living is the word for it, because they look less like grasses and more like stubble festooning the ass of a gigantic pig.
And in the foreground, there is a box.)
CRANKY: (muffled) “…kill the big green thing…kill the big green thing…kill the big green thing…”
(A little white heron lands like an anorexic angel on the box; spies something in a nearby puddle. The spear of a bill darts out and he is rewarded with a nutritious meal of something slimy with too many eyeballs. He flaps off.)
CRANKY: “…must be Noon again…”
(The box’s weight shifts a bit. This is the sign of its resident rolling over to rest on a different side.
Given that a sphere technically has an infinite number of sides -or, conversely, just one very big side- Mr. Cranky could hypothetically be entertained forever this way.
If he doesn’t die of boredom first.)
CRANKY: “…kill the big green thing…kill the big green thing… kill the big green thing…”
(A vole -something like a hamster but muddier- gives into the racial rodent tendency to seek out cardboard and gnaw on it and starts chewing on the box. THEN she realized that said cardboard is coated in hardened puss. She runs off. This is not unusual.
The first flock of spring blackbirds land in a bony “tree” and look around with an attitude of, “er, is this the right place?” before heading off to a cheerier riverbank. This is not unusual.
A monkey lands on the box. This IS unusual.)
BOBO: “Unnnnngh…”
CRANKY: “You see what happens when you ask for fanfic Immunity?”
BOBO: “Ow… Who said that?”
CRANKY: “Oh, shut the hell up and get me out of this box you little hairball!”
BOBO: (cries and
cries) “Ooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
CRANKY: “Now what the hell is the matter? You’re not the one stuck in some puss cocoon. This is so boring I think I’m going to develop a mental disorder someday just to entertain myself. I’ll run ‘the Sound of Music’ in my head over and over.”
BOBO: “Ooohhhhhh… I wanted to live to see the end of this fanfic!!!”
CRANKY: “Yeah?”
BOBO: “It’s HORRIBLE!!! Whoever’s writing this thing is INSANE!!! I WANT OUUUUUUUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
CRANKY: “Okay, let me out of here and I’ll get you out of this fanfic. How’s that sound?”
BOBO: “Okay!”
(Bobo scampers over to the carcass of some enterprising deer who thought he was not heavy enough to sink into the muck in the salt marsh and get stuck and starve to death. Stupid deer.
Bobo frightens off the Turkey Vultures picking over whatever is left on the skeleton. This isn’t very hard. It is NOT because vultures are sissies; although they are, having those puny claws and their beaks aren’t very strong either, and that’s why they can’t eat much else besides other animals’ leftovers. No, in this case it’s because even the vultures know that there’s something creepy about a monkey the size of a gerbil.
Bobo grabs a sharp bone and starts digging away at the hardened puss.)
BOBO: “Come on… come on… OH!!!”
(Bobo finally hits the surface of the cardboard box. He pushes the bone through it and then bright purple light streams out. The light acts as a laser cracking through the puss and cutting weird, Celtic-looking spirals and such through the cocoon, finally shattering it.
The marsh falls silent.
The surrounding mud bubbles and froths.
And the BOX rises out of the MUD in a near-fatal overdose of LIGHTING EFFECTS!)
BOBO: “Ooooooooooooohhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
AUDIENCE: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ”
(As stirring music plays really loud on the soundtrack, the box rips apart and in the center we see the brazen, glowing form of Mr. Cranky and boy howdy is he PISSED!!!)
CRANKY: “RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!”
(Wearing the exact same expression as the one you can see on the front page if you visit the “Holy Cow!” Dot Comics link on the home page if I’m not mistaken [either it’s gone now, or it’s changed, or it never existed and I’m totally delusional], Cranky snarls viciously and flies towards the - um- Mighty Cranky Castle? What was I calling that place in the “Grumpy Old Men” forum? Oh well, from now on, it’s the mighty Shack of Crankiness.
Anyway, Bobo is very happy that he saved the day!)
BOBO: “Yay me! Oh… (starts crying) Ohhhh… he forgot his PROMIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(Then the deer bone falls down out of the sky and skewers him.)
BOBO: (dying) “EEEEERRRK!!!!! Yay! Wonderful horrible freedom!!! ACK!!!”
EXT: “SE7EN” FORUM - ELSEWHERE
(Cranky flies towards the Shack of Crankiness, which is where he last saw Grundie. The effect is something like “ZardOz” only on more hallucinogenics. Also we don’t have to see anyone wear a loincloth.)
CRANKY: “RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !”
(Some disgusting Evil Demon Child randomly stands next to the highway and watches Cranky pass by at, like, Mach 912.)
EVIL CHILD: (Evil, Satanic whisper) “*Zoom zoom*!!!”
(We get a very vague and brief impression of a redheaded figure with strength and speed and shiny teeth in a Robin Hood-type costume falling out of the sky!)
HUNT: “YOIKS!!!! AND
AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
EVIL CHILD: (looking up) “HHIIIIIISSSsssssssssssssssssss”
(Hunter crashes into him and they both go *splat*!)
EVIL CHILD AND HUNT: “Oh… *ACK*!!!”
(Meanwhile, Cranky zooms [ack] towards the Evil Green Thing known as Grundie!)
CRANKY: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!”
DIRECTOR: “How in the HELL am I going to wrap this up?”
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