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NOTE: Advanced apologies to Mr. Smiley are probably also due here. Hey, give me a break! I've never written an epic-length Cranky fanfic before!
Now, what would Chica do...? ^_^
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CHAPTER SIX: “A Prayer for Owen Cranky”
EXT: “JEEPERS CREEPERS” FORUM - GRUNDLELAND
GRUNDIE: “Argh!”
(Grundie can tell that something has gone horribly wrong with his Evil Plan. Good thing he’s got Mr. Smiley for company, eh?)
SMILEY: “Ooooh!!! I just got the most wonderful funny feeling in my tummy! It was like hugging a tree and downing XTC at the same time!”
GRUNDIE: “You just took your *ahem* ‘prescribed daily dosage’ of XTC this morning. Then you *humped* a tree.”
DIRECTOR: “I apologize for making everybody have the mental image of a smiley face humping a tree.”
SMILEY: “Oh, Grundie, you should try my drugs! When I sweat, I can *feel* it oozing from my pores! Can you imagine what it might do for your puss?”
GRUNDIE: “I AM VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT MY GLANDULAR PROBLEM! That is one thing that I am very sensitive about. It bothers me whenever you bring up the problems I have with my skin. You mustn’t mock me for it. You must be tolerant of the fact that I blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…”
SMILEY: “You should chill out, Grundie! Let’s save the Trinity Alps Giant Mudpuppy!”
GRUNDIE: “The Trinity Alps Giant Mudpuppy does not need our help! All environmental problems are myths! You should ignore them and they will all solve themselves. Global Warming is the biggest myth of them all. It simply does not exist.”
(Meanwhile, the Audience is lounging around in their shorts with the air conditioning on… and it is early March.)
AUDIENCE: “Uh…”
GRUNDIE: “I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LA LA LA LA LA!!!!!”
SMILEY: “I would have thought you’d WANT to save the Giant Mudpuppies! I mean, urr, you ARE a Giant Mudpuppy, aren’t you?”
(Grundie is about to crack Mr. Smiley open like the good guys invade a coconut for that, but then his hideout!)
ALL: “What???!!!???”
(I’m sorry, that’s how my word processor corrected this line:
Grundie is about to crack Mr. Smiley open like a coconut for that, but then his hideout is invaded by the good guys!
I had a feeling Bill Gates could afford some REALLY good drugs, but that’s just ridiculous.)
A.S.S: “Okay…”
GRUNDIE: “Hiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
SMILEY: “Brother!!! Give me a hug!!!”
CRANKY: “How in the name of all that is sucky are you going to even BEGIN to think about hugging me? YOU DON’T HAVE ANY ARMS!!!”
SMILEY: “I have a *flower*!!!”
(Mr. Smiley sniffs that stupid little branch of pink Freesia he always manages to carry around despite his lack of arms and hands. [How the hell does he do it? Telekinesis? Velcro? Glue?] Then he pets everyone and dances around like a maniac while rolling all over the floor.)
SMILEY: (singing along to the Drum Machines of Pan) “Big MOUTH! / Strung OUT! / You get what YOU de-SERVE! / You’re STRANGE! / In-SANE! / One thing you can nevah CHAAAANGE!!!!!!!!!”
BICKLE: (pulls out his Kill-O-Zap Disintegration pistol) “Can I zap it?”
(Smiley alights on top of Bickle’s head and rolls all along it.)
SMILEY: “It’s a CRACK! / I’m BACK! / Gonna shout it on the ROOF-tops / shout it out!!!”
BICKLE: “NOW can I zap it?”
CRANKY: “Well, sadly, we can only send Smiley back to Crankyland Hell.
“You see, Bickle, if my psycho-retarded freak twin were to be destroyed, then the balance of the universe would go off, and we’d all explode and stuff.”
BICKLE: “And that’d be bad.”
CRANKY: “Exactly!”
SMILEY: “Wow, isn’t it good that we’re learning so much on this adventure?”
CRANKY: “Go home, birth defect.”
SMILEY: “Okay! It’s ALWAYS great fun to visit Crankyland though! There are so many FUN things to do here! I can’t wait until I can come back and…”
CRANKY: “HANS! SIC ‘IM!!!!”
HANS: “AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(Hans eats Mr. Smiley…)
SMILEY: “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!”
(…Because, logically, of course that’s the only way to get to Crankyland Hell.
Of course!
I guess Satan was pretty pissed or something on account of her evil plan not working and stuff. She shook her fist and stomped her feet and then decided…)
SATAN: “Ah, hell. I’ll take up crocheting!”
*THE END!!!*
ALL: “WAIT!!! We still haven’t stopped Grundie! And what about the sword and the crystal?”
DIRECTOR: “Oh, Belgium!!!”
EXT: “JEEPERS CREEPERS” FORUM - OUTSIDE GRUNDLE-LAND
GRUNDIE: “Grr. Argh. I have escaped from my cave in the confusion. Now I am running back to the Cranky Crystal. I will destroy that damn thing myself. Grr. Argh.”
AUDIENCE: “Didn’t you try that before? And didn’t it NOT work?”
GRUNDIE: “Didn’t I just say that I can’t hear you?”
(A few seconds later, the good guys exit the cave and decide what to do!)
WONDERFUL: “Dat LOOSER just runned off!!!”
DMAGIC: “Oh. Uh… Is that a non-good thing?”
THEO: “Um, why don’t you two head off to the Magical Shack of Cranky to help straighten stuff out there? Maybe later, you can be involved in a Gratuitous Special Effects Extravaganza!”
WONDERFUL AND DMAGIC: “Okay!!!”
CRANKY: “Well, there’s your next meal, Hans.”
HANS: “GRRRRRRRRRR……!”
(They all leave.)
HH: “Um, you aren’t going to help them?”
THEO: “Hey, I’ve hung out with those two goons all month. I need to associate with people higher on the evolutionary tree.”
BICKLE: “I thought you just wanted to kick Grundie’s ass.”
THEO: “Yeah, that too.”
(They race towards the Cavern where the Crystal is!)
EXT: SECRET “QUILLS” FORUM - OUTSIDE THE SACRED CAVERN
GRUNDIE: “Now I will destroy Crankyland. I will destroy it and it will be no more. I will destroy the Crystal and then I will blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…”
AUDIENCE: “Oh my God, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
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