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CHAPTER SEVEN: “Secret of Purple Water! -or- The Lost Forum!”
YET ANOTHER SPECIAL DISCLAIMER THINGY: Okay, I overworked the climax of this Chapter many, many times. I had three different ideas about who should end up being the Special One (you’ll understand when it happens), and I actually went ahead and wrote three different endings. None of them seemed to work well enough though. Furthermore, I knew that whichever Special One I finally picked, the other two “nominees” would probably be upset.
It cannot be emphasized enough: Empathy Fucking Sucks!
Well, there was one other character I thought could *maybe* be the Special One, but anytime his/her name came up, I always instantly reacted thus: “No fucking way.” But, for the hell of it, I wrote that ending anyway and, so help me, it worked. So, against all my better judgment, I went ahead and kept it. So just know that what happens in the end here is the last thing I wanted or expected to happen.
INT: SECRET “QUILLS” FORUM - SACRED CAVERN
DARK-NESS:
~AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~
(The Assclown Stomping Society watches on in horror, helpless as Darker Mad-Ness leaps at the Cranky Crystal! She raises the Sour-Apple-Flavored Destiny and is about to bring it down upon the Crankyheart!
But the Crystal doesn’t like her and it sends some energy out to zap its attacker. Dark-Ness goes flying and slams into the opposite wall. Hard.)
DARK-NESS: ~ANNNNGH!!!! OW, DAMN!~
MONGO: “The Heart of Crankyland will not be destroyed! It doesn’t like that idea.”
GWEN: (staring at the Crystal with a brand new kind of awe) “It *didn’t like* that idea???”
MONGO: “It lives.”
GWEN: “Oh…?”
DARK-NESS: ~I WONDERED IF THAT THING WAS A CRYSTALLINE ENTITY ONCE.~
MONGO: “And you are ALMOST right. The Truth, however, is much stranger. I will tell you the Truth now, for plot purposes!
“The Stone of Crankydestiny is *almost* alive. It has intelligence. When the Crankyheart is threatened, it chooses an Avatar! A live creature must embody it and preserve its Wisdom!”
DRAMATICAL ENYA-SOUNDING
MUSIC: “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
KEN: “Shall we start staring at the walls again?”
(Little Round Top approaches the bottomless pit of Coke, looking up at the Crankyheart. He idly kicks some tiny little pebble into the cola.
The Crankyheart doesn’t much like that either.)
LRT: “Glarp?”
(It flares bright red-orange and growls ominously!)
WHACK: “Um, can we not do anything like that again?”
MONGO: “Anyone who does NOT want to be absorbed into the Crankyheart’s Matrix of Power or whatever, please step AWAY from the bottomless pit.”
(Everyone moves away from the Cranky Crystal, except for one Crankizen who wasn’t paying attention.
But nobody notices anyway.)
DARK-NESS: ~YOU FOOLISH CREATURES TALK TOO MUCH! I WILL TRY TO DESTROY THE CRYSTAL AGAIN! NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU LITTLE FLA… DAMN.~
(Darker-Ness decides to be Creative instead!)
DARK-NESS: ~GET OUT OF MY WAY, YOU LITTLE RUBY-CROWNED BAG OF GUTS!~
KEN: (involuntarily hugs his own stomach) “UGH! *Please* don’t mention guts!”
(That gives the Lord High Justice a marvelous idea!)
WRECK: “Sweet Zarquon Singing Fishies, Ken! You have to stop her!”
(Ken looks at the gigantic cybernetic nightmare in front of him. He pays especial attention to the huge Ginsu-knife claws and the twisted horns and the cruel, glowering expression in the eyes. Then he looks at the Wreck.
He doesn’t have to say a damn thing.)
KEN: “Well, you wouldn’t THINK I’d have to.”
WRECK: “DAMMIT KEN! Here’s how it goes. She lops your arm off with the sword -STOP BLANCHING!- and then you do your best impression of a Sea Cucumber and -UGH! DON’T THROW UP! (pause) Okay, but if you’re going to do that, then try to cough up a kidney at the very least.”
KEN: “Ohhh…”
DARK-NESS: (regarding the puke) ~ARE THOSE… UNDIGESTED BAT PARTS???~
KEN: (recovering) “Okay, here’s the thing. Sea Cucumbers can regenerate their intestines. I can’t!”
(The Wreck snorts derisively.)
WRECK: “You’ve never *tried*.”
DARK-NESS: ~HOW ABOUT I JUST SKEWER YOU WITH THE SWORD? YES, I THINK THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD PLAN!~
KEN: “I DON’T!!!”
NESS: (mostly to herself) “You know, *I* could stop *MY* own evil clone, but *NOBODY* likes that idea because it *MAKES TOO MUCH SENSE*!!!”
WHACK: “Well, no offense, but I don’t think that makes more sense.”
NESS: “How so?”
WHACK: (offhand) “Well, how is it better that she skewer you besides anyone else?”
(Fortunately, Mad-Ness’ attention is elsewhere.)
NESS: “Aw, cool!”
(The Crankyheart has sent some beautiful laser lights out to dance around the surfaces of the Sacred Cavern. Some kawii little glowing fairy fish thingies flutter around the cave. They and the lasers almost appear to be seeking something out…
Meanwhile…)
WRECK: “No, I’m serious! He wraps her up in a constricting bundle of viscera and strangles her to death and then…”
SLATER: (very pale) “Oh… God… DAMMIT!!!!!”
WRECK: “Well, you wouldn’t have to watch.”
SLATER: “You don’t understand. See, I’d try to close my eyes and then I’d be overtaken by morbid curiosity and I’d HAVE to look!”
GWEN: “Don’t we still have that duct tape from earlier? We could all wear that over our eyes.”
LUCIFER: “Frognal cockfosters! I don’t understand why we shouldn’t just summon some Inside-Out Demon thing. Come to think of it, my great uncle was an Inside-Out Demon.”
CFL: “Well, are you going to see if it’s hereditary?”
LUCIFER: “I dunno, let’s give it a shot. (with a thought he turns *halfway* inside-out) Awg! Gabbid, I’ng th’tug!!!”
SLATER: (staring at the imp who now looks like a little bag full of guts turned halfway inside-out) “I’m SERIOUSLY going to do the Technicolor yawn in five seconds. (swats at a fish fairy thing) Hmm, do you think we should be wondering what those lasers coming from the Crystal are for?”
CFL: “Probably it’s just bored. I’d imagine if you’re intelligent but you’re stuck floating over a sea of Coke all the time, you get bored pretty fast.”
GWEN: “Wow, floating over a pit of Coke that’s just out of reach, AND you’ve no mouth anyway to drink it with. I’ve felt like that some mornings.”
(Meanwhile…)
KEN: “No, look. I DO care whether you kill me; actually, I’d mind it a lot less if you didn’t.”
LRT: (attempting subtlety) “Er, we ALL wouldn’t mind if you DIDN’T kill us all, okay?”
DARK-NESS: ~AH, I SEE. (pause) ACTUALLY, NO I DON’T! YOU HUMANS CONFUSE AND ENRAGE ME!!!~
WULF010: “Because we threaten your so-called Ultimate Destiny? Is that it?”
DARK-NESS: ~OH, MAYBE…~
WULF010: “Well, missy, when your Ultimate Destiny involves destroying our entire planet, or whatever, I think we’re all going to have a problem with that. (and he raises the Battle-Axe of Bloodening) A big, BIG problem!”
(There is a beat.)
KEN: “I don’t”
DARK-NESS: ~WHAT?!?~
KEN: “If destroying the Crystal is your *Destiny* or whatever, then I don’t have a problem with it.”
LRT: “Er… if she destroys the Crankyheart, she destroys the entire world and everything in it. Like all the Crankizens. It’s one of those symbiosis deals. If the Crystal gets destroyed, YOU get destroyed along with it.”
KEN: “Ah, you make an omelet you have to break some eggs.”
WULF010: “Uh…”
DARK-NESS: ~DAMN IT ALL! DO YOU CARE IF I DESTROY CRANKYLAND OR NOT???~
KEN: “No. Yes. No. Maybe. Yes. Try again later. No. Yes. You will live in a shack and have thirty kids and drive a Grande Torino. No. Green. No. Yes.”
ALL: “???” or ~???~ as applicable
KEN: “Look, if you’re *me*, it all makes sense and… What the hell?”
(Meanwhile…)
AUDIENCE: “This is getting old… what the???”
WULF010: “Mongo, do you want to explain what is going on here? What are all those lights doing?”
(Everyone stops what they are doing and stares at the lights coming from the Crankyheart. All the lasers seem to be moving in one general direction, pointing something out.
The something moves.)
WRECK: “Hey, wait! Get away from there! You’re not supposed to not go near the floating shiny object.”
(But the something -the someONE, rather- is by now totally gone.)
NESS: “I can’t help it! It’s s-o-o-o-o pretty!”
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