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CHAPTER EIGHT: “In Which the Goal is El-le-va-tion!”
INT: SECRET “QUILLS” FORUM - SACRED CAVERN
MONGO: “The Crystal seeks its host!”
NESS: (tearing up) “Y-e-e-s-s-s… The l-i-i-i-g-h-t…”
MONGO: “Huh. Strange. Usually, the Crankyheart chooses the one most worthy of personifying it’s power.”
QUESTER: “Or maybe it’s just wondering how the author got this far in Crankyland without writing a fanfic where her character saves the Universe and stuff.”
(Rim shot.
Mad-Ness only pays attention to what Prince Mongo says, and immediately breaks out of her trance.)
NESS: “Are you saying I suck???”
MONGO: “Well, no. Actually, the Crystal *knows* who best to inhabit. It can see into one’s very soul! And so that can only mean (dramatic pause) that the only creature in this room worthy of personifying the Crankyheart is, (even more dramatic pause) and always HAS been (even MORE dramatic pause) the Mad-Ness Monster!”
ALL: “Holy fucking monkey trumpets! *Mad-Ness*???!!!???”
NESS: “Hell, you guys aren’t NEARLY as shocked as I am.”
(Ness reenters the trance and walks very deliberately, as in a dream, towards the Stone of Crankydestiny. Her eyes have a far-away look. She can almost hear strange voices from the past, and they seem to ask her…)
VOICE1: “Steve?”
VOICE2: “Yes?”
VOICE1: “Steve?”
VOICE2: “Yes?”
VOICE1: “Steve?”
(Ness steps towards the pool of Coke…
and lightly steps onto the surface as if it’s the most natural thing in the world.
The characters who are still having a massive philosophical debate don’t much enjoy the interruption here.)
KEN: “Dammit, Mad-Ness, you’re freaking us all out. Stop it.”
(Mad-Ness turns to regard them and she has a very strange look in her eyes right now. It isn’t clear whether they’re reflecting the light of the Crankyheart or if the Crankyheart is reflecting them… I’m confused.)
NESS: (not exactly her own voice) “Aoz deecah wroonin?”
SUBTITLES: “Do not be afraid, friends.”
ALL: “…oh…?”
WRECK: “Urr, can somebody please tell me what’s going on now?”
QUESTER: “The Crystal is seeking a living host to protect itself from danger! It and the Mad-Ness Monster will soon be one!”
WRECK: “I’m still lost here.”
QUESTER: “Well, the upshot of all this is this huge, huge Special Effects Orgy that is about to happen. Look!”
(Ness steps directly under the Crankyheart and looks up at it with a mixture of relevance, anticipation, and good old Fear. The laser searchlights converge upon the dragon and she is lifted up gently into the pillar of light.)
DARK-NESS: ~MOM? (pause) WELL, OKAY. SORT-OF MOM?~
(Ness floats calmly into the center of the Crankyheart. Strange colors swirl all around her. Let us watch as she becomes one with the Crystal!)
NESS: (weeping) “So… I’m not a worthless sack of guts? (smiles) I’ve a *new purpose*! New *meaning*! I have been chosen to become One with the gre- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII HOLY FUCKING MONKEY PISS IN A VAT OF SNAIL SNOT WITH SWEET BUTTERY MOTHER OF OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!11”
(In the promised ORGY of effects animation, Mad-Ness’ skin gets RIPPED OFF, revealing this wireframe-ish type DEALIE where the CRYSTAL can converge into her body!!!
Or something. I dunno, maybe the Crystal is absorbing her? It isn’t exactly clear is what I’m saying.
Anyway, after the two entities meld into each other via an Obligatory CGI Extravaganza, the wireframe regains it’s draconic form. It re-solidifies painfully with its skin caking like loam back onto the new being! And all the while it emits a terrifying primal scream!)
NESS: (what’s left of her,
anyway) “CRANKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(Meanwhile…)
EXT: “QUILLS” FORUM - NEAR THE SACRED CAVERN
(As the transformation occurs, the evil Grundie can sense it! It gives him an eye-exploding headache and makes him feel like every single weeping pore that is on his body has been ripped out, pounded flat, then dipped in battery acid!)
GRUNDIE: “Ouch!”
(He continues on his way to the Sacred Cavern, all the while *changing* into an increasingly heinous freak the closer he gets to the Crankyheart!
I don’t want to describe in detail, WHAT Grundie looks like now. I’m sure there might be some of you eating out there. Just know, for now, that Hair Head and company were able to track him by the trail of…)
HH: “OH SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP THAT’S *DISGUSTING*!!!”
(…running along the ground to the Cavern’s entrance.)
INT: SECRET “QUILLS” FORUM - CRYSTAL MATRIX CRANKYVOLUTION EFFECTS EXTRAVAGANZA
CRANKYHEART:
~AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!!~
(Lightning flares all over this new being as it protests the hell of its birth! The bands of color spin around with more intensity! The entity -the Crankyheart itself- writhes in agony! These terrible new sensations -the pulse of its blood, the bombardment of dust on its skin, the sting of electricity in its nerves- it all confuses and frightens the Stone of Crankydestiny! Hell, BEING confused and frightened is new to it! It was a friggin’ ROCK and now…
…now…
It is ALIVE.
It is beautifully, horribly ALIVE.)
CRANKYHEART:
~AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~
(And, finally, after all the pretentious crap is out of the Director’s system, the Crankyheart lightly floats down and stands in front of the crowd. It stares at the collected creatures [with its EYES! Colors! Light! Tears!] and it says…)
CRANKYHEART: ~What a *^*&%$ing rush!~
(Then it passes out.)
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