The Emperor's New Groove

Bomb Rating: 

Who wouldn't want to see David Spade in a llama suit?

Clearly, Disney was horribly mistaken to make this film an animated feature instead of live action. Who wouldn't want to see David Spade in a llama suit? Oh, the enjoyment I would have derived from knowing that Spade was sweating his smarmy little ass off in a full-body llama suit. Even better if he could be tossed in a field with a bunch of horny badass male llamas.

Of course, the more I thought about the llama suit, the more I realized that what Disney would have done was have some trained llama walk around and then put talking lips on it and used Spade's voice, which means that he would not have suffered at all. Did Spade even study llama behavior in preparation for this film? To know that would reassure me that Spade at least suffered a tiny bit, since llamas can spit. I doubt it, however. He probably just did what most overpaid, talentless Hollywood actors do when faced with llama challenges -- they send an assistant to the zoo or rent a particular episode of "Animal Planet" and then pretend that they know llamas. Well, I know llamas, and David Spade ain't no damn llama.

On whatever Freudian scale may exist in animation, Disney appears to have passed through the song and dance phase (oral) into the Bugs Bunny phase (phallic -- carrots!) This film bears no resemblance to regular Disney films, except for the fact that Emperor Kuzco's (Spade) parents are nowhere to be found. He's eighteen and he has no parents. It amuses me to no end that Disney can make movie after movie about kids yakking to farm animals and teapots and shrimp, yet they're completely bewildered by the concept of kids talking to their own parents. Probably has to do with the fact that Michael Eisner is obviously an alien.

Kuzco gets zapped into a llama by his advisor Yzma (Eartha Kitt). He ends up in a small village with Pacha (John Goodman) and demands to be taken back to his home. Naturally, he's spoiled and doesn't understand Pacha, but during the course of getting his humanity and his rule back, he learns to appreciate the peasant. As in most Disney films, what other possible choice is there? Hmmm, get eaten by jaguars or appreciate the peasant? Stay a llama, or appreciate the peasant? Ah, if only Newt Gingrich had been given such choices.

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