There's a line early on in this film where Thibadeaux (Ving Rhames), the bestest buddy of ace thief Mac (Sean Connery), turns to him and says, "Mac, you're too old for this shit." Now, just exactly what kind of monkey-brained freak do you have to be to not know that there's going to be a collective "ugh" so loud that it could potentially disintegrate the screen? After that bit of literary genius, I watched a five-year-old in the seat in front of me fashion a noose out of the drinking straw in his 128-oz. Super Soda and attempt to hang himself from a one of the wall-mounted light fixtures. Now that's a bad line.
This movie is a disaster. For starters, what kind of a film casts Will Patton as Hector Cruz, Hispanic insurance agent? For that feat, he should have received top billing: Will Patton IS Hector Cruz (say it like Al Pacino in "Scarface"). Giving him a run forhis money is Maury Chaykin playing some weird Malaysian art dealer who's a cross (and I'm not kidding here) between Harvey Fierstein and Jabba the Hut. He could be the single most embarrassing character creation in the history of cinema.
The story, which plays out like a bad episode of "Charlie's Angels," has a rogue insurance agent, Gin (Catherine Zeta-Jones), trying to trap the world's greatest art thief by tempting him with incredible jobs. Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy have better chemistry than Connery and Zeta-Jones. Besides, Zeta-Jones could give Melanie Griffith a run for the "Please Stop Acting Before I Choke on My Own Tongue" award. She plays the part like a 15-year-old who's just learned she isn't getting the Beemer for her sixteenth birthday.
This film is so gadget-crazy I felt like the Piltdown Man after accidentally time-traveling right into The Sharper Image. You don't have a clue how anything works. Mac and Gin break into a bank and perform a neat trick where they can see the fingerprints on a keypad, then punch in the code as though the mere presence of the fingerprints gives away the order of the numbers. Also stretching the bounds of believability is the gymnastics sequence Gin performs for Mac by climbing up on a beam in his castle. I've never cheered for splinters so hard in my life.
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