Everyone Says I Love You

Bomb Rating: 

There's an old joke about Michael Jackson and Janet Jacksonnever being seen in the same place at the same time because they're really the same person. What about Woody Allen and Barbra Streisand? Has anyone actually seen them in the same room simultaneously? Can they produce photographic proof?

Why do I say this? Because every single movie either one of them makes serves but one purpose: trying to convince the world that they're not such fame-cocooned freaks that they can't maintain normal human relationships. In "The Mirror Has Two Faces," Barbra beds sane-looking academic Jeff Bridges. In "Everyone Says I Love You," Woody is divorced from Goldie Hawn and sleeps with actual adult Julia Roberts. Well, newsflash, "Woobra": In real life, you'd be lucky to seduce a liquored-up Wilt Chamberlain.

Let's face it: The only way Woody Allen can appear in something approximating a normal sexual relationship is with the help of special effects. Who's next on his list of virtual conquests: Pamela Anderson Lee? The Barbi Twins? As if bedding Julia Roberts weren't indulgent enough, Woody also continues his tradition of hiring an actor to portray him as a young man -- in this case Edward Norton who, despite being appropriately goofy looking, nonetheless gets to bed Drew Barrymore.

By now you're asking yourself: What could possibly be worse than yet another Woody Allen angst-fest? Try a Woody Allen angst-fest musical. That's right, this time, Allen's wealthy, liberal upper-West-siders -- including Alan Alda, Hawn, Natalie Portman and Barrymore -- routinely break out into song, though not a one of them seems to have undergone any real voice training. It's kind of like being around someone who insists on singing along with the car radio until all you can think about is shoving his head into the stick shift so hard that it passes through his skull.

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