Everything You Want

Bomb Rating: 

I knew just about everything that was going to happen in this film after watching just five minutes, which explains why this romantic comedy went straight to video. It's literally a lesson in how to make a bad film and a painful example of the definition of an awful screenplay. I'd say about two minutes in and I wanted to lay my penis on a windowsill and slam the window shut on it.

The movie stars Shiri Appleby from "Roswell" and Nick Zano from "What I Like About You." They play Abby and Quinn and it's one of those films where the two of them seem to have nothing in common at the beginning, which of course means that they will fall in love by the end of the film. Abby is an art student and Quinn is in her class, but has nothing but disdain for art. Zano does a sort of Ryan Reynolds schtick that's even more annoying than the real thing, which I thought was impossible.

The thing that drove me most crazy about this film is that there isn't one character who behaves in a way that a real person would behave. Literally, every single character interaction is an obvious invention of some writer who's watched too many sitcoms and thinks that all humor derives from them. It's sad.

I'm not sure I should bother describing one such scene, but I guess I have nothing better to do. Abby works at the coffee counter in a Borders, which means that we get so much product placement that we figure out within a few seconds how the producers financed the thing. Quinn orders a piece of cheesecake; Abby is rude to him, then basically launches the piece of cheesecake into his shirt. Prior to that, Abby has a ridiculous conversation with her boss. Later, Quinn shows up with his roommate to convince the boss to rehire Abby's roomie in an interaction that needs to be seen to be believed. It literally looks like something from a Saturday morning cartoon. Unfortunately, even 8-year-olds wouldn't buy this crap.

"Everything You Want" didn't have one thing I wanted.

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