Excess Baggage

Bomb Rating: 

So what does it feel like to be rewritten by Alicia Silverstone?

What would it feel like to be the writer of this film?

While channel surfing I happened upon a special on MTV about Alicia Silverstone. Naturally, it features her in her new role as glamour star/movie producer. Yes, that's right -- Alicia is not only starring in "Excess Baggage" but her company, First Kiss Productions, is producing the film as well.

So, during this interview, Alicia is explaining a particularly crucial scene between her character, Emily T. Hope, and Benicio Del Toro's character, Vincent Roche. Emily has staged her own kidnapping because she doesn't get enough love from her rich father. Unfortunately, things go wrong when Vincent unwittingly steals the car in which Emily has bound herself. During the crucial scene, Emily and Vincent finally act on their mutual attraction. As a producer, Alicia proudly explained, her mouth shifting side-to-side as though her bottom lip had its own brain, she spent many a long weekend with Benicio rewriting that particular scene.

So what does it feel like to be rewritten by Alicia Silverstone? Probably like being strapped to a gurney at the base of the World Trade Center. From your horizontal vantage point, you can just make out Alicia on the roof 107 stories above, peering over the side. Her intestines are rumbling from last night's meal of two full combination plates of refried beans, rice and green chile burritos. She attempts to mitigate her intestinal discomfort by chugging three 16oz. mugs of coffee. Alas, that proves counterproductive and, overcome with the runs, she drops her pants, sticks her ass out over the edge and unloads. The camera zooms to the sidewalk and there, strapped to the gurney, is you, the writer, an asymmetrical shadow expanding across your face as Alicia explains through the cell phone lying next to your ear, "We're going to make it more smoochy."

Welcome to Hollywood filmmaking, where the writers are excess baggage.

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