First Kid

Bomb Rating: 

Hollywood executives are the only people in the world that mobstersdon't have to weigh down before throwing them into the river. They just toss them in and the weight of the executives' cement-filled heads takes them straight to the bottom. Have you ever seen a Hollywood executive swim? Well, that's why.

Watching this film, in which Sinbad plays a secret service agent charged with teaching the president's son how to not be such a loser, is about as pleasurable as receiving a swift kick to the groin. However, an easy rescue was staring the filmmakers right in the face: Instead of casting the son of the president as a little Caucasian, why not make the kid and his family African-American? That's right: an African-American president.

Could we have just one Hollywood movie that portrays a funny black man bringing joy and happiness to upper-class whites via a medium other than servitude? All "First Kid" really needed was Sinbad saying "yes, massa," "no, massa" a couple of times and this would have been cheery, wholesome fun for inbred families of white supremacists everywhere.

However, even if "First Kid" had been mildly daring, I'm sure it wouldn't have taken director David Mickey Evans long to turn it into the kind of kids' film that can inspire infants to make their first spoken words "sucks weenie." Evans was responsible for writing the atrocious "Radio Flyer" and directing "The Sandlot," yet, instead of being imprisoned, he's still being allowed to make films. How does he do it? It makes you wonder if those inspired infants aren't on to something.

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