The Forsaken

Bomb Rating: 

Director J.S. Cardone strings together logical sequences like an Alzheimer's patient strings together memories.

I wish I had taken notes during this film, because it was so nonsensical that I am hard-pressed to recall any of it. What I do remember is that an excruciating amount of screen time had nothing to do with the story. For instance, Sean (Kerr Smith) is driving a Mercedes across the country and gets a flat tire. He stops in a gas station, has it fixed, and the guy who fixes it starts acting strangely for no apparent reason. Then, as he's pulling out of the station, he meets Nick (Brendan Fehr) and gives him a ride.

There you go: five minutes of screen time just to cover a 30-second event. Sean loses his wallet, Nick offers to pay for gas and Sean gives him a lift. Why stretch a moment like this to the breaking point? Because without such dawdling, the movie would have been all of ten minutes long.

Ostensibly, it's about vampires. Nick is a vampire hunter and he's after Kit (Jonathon Schaech). Sean and Nick discover a soon-to-be vampire in Megan, who's played by Isabella Miko. Now, I don't know if they were paying Isabella by the word or what, but all she does is scream and run around topless at the slightest provocation. I'm not sure this qualifies as acting so much as appropriate Hollywood party behavior, which may explain how Isabella got discovered.

Director J.S. Cardone strings together logical sequences like an Alzheimer's patient strings together memories. Nick and Sean walk out of a motel and, because Cardone needs to toss in some exposition, their car is stolen. They walk and talk for a while, and once Cardone has exhausted this clever narrative technique, he realizes they need the car to chase the bad guys, so it reappears by the side of the road. I'm sure Cardone is fascinated by vampires, as well he should be. He's great at the sucking part.

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