Freddy Got Fingered
"Oh no, this is going to be bad."
I sat in a 500-seat theater with exactly two other people while watching this film. I was on the side, in the aisle seat, where I usually sit. The other two were in the back row -- a man and his girlfriend. The guy laughed like a hyena through every single trailer and I thought, "Oh no, this is going to be bad." Sure enough, he continued to roar with laughter during this entire film, right through the end of the closing credits and the eventual arrival of theater security.
This laugh made me scared to turn around. It just didn't sound quite right. Normally, I would turn around and tell the person to shut the hell up, but in this case, he sounded just deranged enough that, I was afraid I might get shot. However, I did have to go to the bathroom at one point, which meant that I had to get up and walk past him. I decided that as I passed, I would glance at him -- not by turning my head, mind you, but by shifting my eyes ever-so-slightly to my left, so that he wouldn't notice my looking at him in case he thought that cause enough to stab me with a rusty corkscrew or something. I just had to see what a guy who would laugh at this crap so insanely actually looked like.
So I did my nifty sideways glance and was shocked to discover that this guy had the body of a man, but the head of a German Shepherd. I glanced at his girlfriend, expecting to see something similarly freakish, but she looked perfectly normal. In fact, she was beautiful. Naturally, I stopped short, turned and said, "Holy fucking shit, woman. What in the world would possess you to go out with a guy like this?"
"You mean a man with the head of a German Shepherd?"
"No, I mean a man who would laugh himself sick at such a stupid movie."
The man with the head of a German Shepherd looked up at me. He asked, "How do you know it's not funny?"
I had to pause and think for a moment after that question. He had a point. Finally, I said, "Well, I suppose I can see where it would be funny to a guy whose idea of amusement is to roll on a dead squirrel."
But trust me, if you're smart enough to not flee the vacuum cleaner or eat gravel-covered turds out of the kitty litter box, you're going to want to steer the hell clear of "Freddy Got Fingered."
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