Bomb Rating: 

You really have to be some kind of pretentious ass to like this film, which explains why "Artforum" called it "One of the Year's 10 Best Films". I can only guess they were talking about the year 1783.

I'd love to talk about the stupid movie here, but really, just how crappy a movie must one make to get Artforum to talk about it? Can you imagine the kind of eyeframe-sporting, turtleneck-wearing freaks they have working at that place, looking for the next all-white, textured painting to coo over like ejaculating pigeons? Not surprisingly, "Gerry" is to film what all-white, textured paintings are to art. Nothing happens in either one. Wait, let me correct myself. Much less is happening in "Gerry" than in an all-white, textured painting.

Here's the story: two guys who call each other Gerry (Casey Affleck, Matt Damon) or who may actually be named Gerry, go for a hike and get lost. That's it. Okay, one significant thing happens when they get lost, but I don't really think that matters. I don't sit through 100 minutes of film for one thing. Actually, I'm going to tell you what happens: Gerry (Matt Damon) kills Gerry (Casey Affleck). If this action made any sense whatsoever, maybe it could have wedged an emotional reaction from the crack in my ass, but it didn't. It just happens. One minute they're talking. The next minute, they're choking one another. Had they managed to choke each other to death, I might have been happy.
This is the second film I've seen in recent months from Gus Van Sant that's made me want to tear my eyes out and flee for the mercifully theater-free countryside. There's no story here. None. Zero. Two guys walking in the desert is not a story. It's not compelling. I don't care if you've got the most beautiful scenery in the whole damn world. It's boring. Van Sant films them walking, just walking, for minutes at a time in what are some of the most excruciating sequences ever put on film. I'm all for existentialism (and even understand it), but it's just a step away from filming them in a coma.

And you mean to tell me Affleck and Damon wrote this? How long was the script? Five pages? I mean, basically the whole thing could have been on one page and simply said: "Guys walk around and desert and talk occasionally". In terms of sheer torture, it's a toss-up btween this film and dying in the desert myself.

This just goes to show that when you're famous and talentless, you can take a dump on the world and stupid people will not only tolerate it, they'll pay you for the privilege.

DVD Comments: A short, behind-the-scenes segment that's just as boring as the the holidays a little too much, go see "House of Sand and Fog". It's sure to turn things around.

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