Get Him To The Greek

Bomb Rating: 

If there’s one thing Hollywood loves, it’s fat comedians. If there’s anything Hollywood loves more than fat comedians, it’s fat comedians with expiration date. Sure, John Goodman got his time in the spotlight, but honestly the movie-going public has traditionally been far more enamored of overweight, out-of-control clowns like John Belushi and Chris Farley. There’s nothing more satisfying than a fat-ass on a downward spiral frantically knocking shit over onscreen before being pronounced DOA outside some trendy L.A. night club.

It was with this fully in mind that Universal Pictures green-lighted Get Him To The Greek, a movie that not only offers us the super-sized antics of formerly super-bad Jonah Hill but which also throws in British comedian Russell Brand. The latter plays the heroin-thin Laurel to Jonah Hill’s Big Mac Attack Hardy, and it’s a good thing that someone came knocking on his door with this script because like so many so-called comedic actors he can only play a single character. This is perfect if you need to cast a sleazy narcissist whose ideal threesome consists of your girlfriend and your mother, but not so good if you require anything like the emotional range that was mistakenly written into the final 20 minutes of this suddenly moralistic road movie.

While it was entertaining to watch a stunningly hilarious Puff Daddy play a record exec named Sergio who gets high with Fat Man and Little Boy in a Vegas hotel room, I left the theatre wondering when some brave director is going to have the balls to step up and give us all what we really want. What is that, you ask? Of course I am referring to an on-film cage match between Jack Black, Jonah Hill and the newest member of the ginormous thespians club, Val Kilmer. Sure, he might have at one time been the Ice Man, but a few too many benders at Sizzlers have turned the former sex symbol into the kind of hazard to navigation that they build lighthouses for.

That being said, I am not sure that even the mighty Kilmer gut could eclipse Jonah Hill’s impressively massive proportions. Hill is the kind actor who could pick up extra cash on the side as a stunt double in Free Willy, a man whose heft keeps growing with each successive film. In Get Him To The Greek, audiences were expected to believe that he was capable of a semi-normal sex life with a semi-average girlfriend, but ladies and gentleman, unless Mr. Hill has a 5 foot penis there is absolutely no way that he’s been inside of anything other than a gallon of ice cream or a warm apple pie.

I think it’s important that we start a letter writing campaign to make my 2,000 lb dream team cast a reality as soon as possible, because let’s face it – the chances the Hill makes it more than a few more years at his current rate of growth are slim to none. He’s not going to overdose at the bottom of Burt Reynolds’ pool, but he does seriously run the risk of imploding on himself and taking out most of the western United States with his extreme gravitational pull. I can only hope that before that happens, science comes up with a lens wide enough to film his final moments. Maybe from space.

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