Get Carter

Bomb Rating: 

Have you ever heard of a thing called "plot"?

Hey Stephen ("The Mod Squad") Kay, have you ever heard of a thing called "plot"? A "plot" usually involves some writing that explains just exactly what the hell is going on and why. You seem to have mastered the whole "style" thing, after all -- you can shake a camera around with the best of them. However, when it comes to "story," it'd be nice to -- just once -- see one of you MTV wannabees convey something other than complete illiteracy. Read a book in your spare time.

I thought scientists had ruled out the very possibility, but Rachel Leigh Cook looks even more pale and anorexic than Winona Ryder. I'm not sure how she did it, but she really seems to have given it 110 percent. Now I know why bony-ass waifs like Cook wear those big, heavy black shoes -- it's so they don't float away on the light breeze.

Incidentally, this is a remake of a 1971 Mike Hodges film which starred Michael Caine. Caine appears in this film too and, given its misdirection, probably feels like Shirley Jones at a Partridge Family reunion. Sylvester Stallone stars as Carter, who shows up in town after his brother's death to find the killers, even though he has no real evidence that his brother's so-called drunk driving accident involved foul play.

Unfortunately, Stallone's face and neck are starting to look like the back of an elderly woman's leg. While this grossed me out, during periods of boredom I could combine activities: look at my watch AND figure out Stallone's heart rate. Cook is Stallone's niece, Miranda Richardson is his sister-in-law and Mickey Rourke is what he is in real life -- a pumped-up thug. The only difference here is that Rourke can beat people up in the movies, whereas in real life he can barely handle a slap fight with a tabloid photographer.

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