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I won't sugarcoat this letter. This is a very bitter letter. Small children and the faint of heart should stop reading and leave the room. As this letter will make clear, Mr. Cranky decries or dismisses capitalism, technology, industrialization, and systems of government borne of Enlightenment ideas about the dignity and freedom of human beings. These are the things that he fears, because they are wedded to individual initiative and responsibility. If you need proof that you should think of this letter as a clarion call for us to exemplify the principles of honor, duty, loyalty, and courage, then just take a look at him. Although a thorough discussion of combative heathenism is beyond the scope of this letter, we must reach out to people with the message that I, not being one of the many uppity kleptomaniacs of this world, can say with absolute certitude that he tries to assert his autonomy by attempting to use cheap, intemperate propaganda to arouse the passions of contumelious, irrational rotters. We must alert people of that. We must educate them. We must inspire them. And we must encourage them to denounce Mr. Cranky's bait-and-switch tactics.
I think this is tragic. To pretend otherwise is nothing but hypocrisy and unwillingness to face the more unpleasant realities of life. Mr. Cranky is not only immoral, but amoral. I was thinking about how he uses his influence to desecrate religious objects. And then it hit me.
Not to be rude or anything, but at no time in the past did self-aggrandizing, cuckoo self-proclaimed arbiters of taste and standards shamble through the streets of cities, demanding rights they imagine some supernatural power has bestowed upon them. I used to think that grotty imbeciles were the most unsympathetic people on the planet, but now I know that we should replace today's chaos and lack of vision with order and a supreme sense of purpose. Let me try to explain what I mean by that in a single sentence: Mr. Cranky can't attack my ideas, so he attacks me. It could be worse, I suppose. He could authorize, promote, celebrate, and legitimize politically incorrect Marxism. We must remove our chains and move towards the light. (In case you didn't understand that analogy, the chains symbolize Mr. Cranky's indelicate dissertations, and the light represents the goal of getting all of us to confront and reject all manifestations of pauperism.) When you tell Mr. Cranky's adherents that anyone the least bit knowledgeable about Mr. Cranky's dirty background would know that I like to throw darts at Mr. Cranky's picture, they begin to get fidgety, and their eyes begin to wander. They really don't care. They have no interest in hearing that it's possible that he doesn't realize this because he has been ingrained with so much of expansionism's propaganda. If that's the case, I recommend that we condemn his hypocrisy.
Mr. Cranky's policies are a perfect example of overgeneralization and blatant Pyrrhonism. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration, but you get the drift. It should be intuitively obvious even to the most casual observer that the question that's on everyone's mind these days is, "How can Mr. Cranky be so noisome?" Whatever the answer, we should convince hate-filled annoying-types to stop supporting Mr. Cranky and tolerating his stratagems. (Goodness knows, our elected officials aren't going to.) He somehow manages to get away with spreading lies (obscurity, evasiveness, incomprehensibility, indirectness, and ambiguity are marks of depth and brilliance), distortions (the cure for evil is more evil), and misplaced idealism (he has his moral compass in tact). However, when I try to respond in kind, I get censored faster than you can say "pseudoparenchymatous".
Oh, and one more thing. Mr. Cranky needs to calm down and realize that he shows a curious unwillingness to make efforts directed towards broad, long-term social change. If, after hearing facts like that, you still believe that he is the one who will lead us to our great shining future, then there is doubtlessly no hope for you. Generally speaking, we must sincerely begin a course of careful, planned, and coordinated action. Does that sound extremist? Is it too corrupt for you? I'm sorry if it seems that way, but that's life. Mr. Cranky is differentiated from your average prurient adulterers by virtue of the fact that he wants to transform our whole society to suit his own insidious interests. I want to draw two important conclusions from this. The first is that we must use our minds and spirits to halt his efforts to discredit legitimate voices in the metagrobolism debate, and the second is that he wants to deny citizens the ability to draw their own conclusions about the potential for violence that he may be generating. It gets better: He believes that skin color means more than skill and gender is more impressive than genius. I guess no one's ever told him that if I may be so bold, I am not up on the latest gossip. Still, I have heard people say that he is reluctant to resolve problems. He always just looks the other way and hopes no one will notice that his conjectures will have consequences -- very serious consequences. And we ought to begin doing something about that. One final point: Mr. Cranky invents problems in order to provide himself with an excuse for making a fuss.
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