Goldeneye

Bomb Rating: 

If you've seen it once you've seen it a thousand times.James beds beautiful women. James gets cool gadgets from Q. James tries to prevent evil villains from taking over the world.

Watching a James Bond film these days is like watching, well, aJames Bond film -- if you've seen it once you've seen it a thousand times. James beds beautiful women. James gets cool gadgets from Q. James tries to prevent evil villains from taking over the world. Sure, the issue with "Goldeneye" was "will Pierce Brosnan make a good James Bond?" but that's kind of like asking "will Timothy Dalton make a good corpse?" How about some variation? How about something new? How about: McCauley Culkin IS Agent 007 in "James Bond and the Case of the Spy-Killing Acne"? Just a thought.

There are many more things tiresome about "Goldeneye." Take the gadgets for instance: a belt and a watch. Oooooh. And how bout that evil villain, Agent 006 (Sean Bean)? What a joke. He shoots Bond in the neck with a tranquilizer so he can then put him in a helicopter to die. Don't they teach a course on "bullets" in evil-villian school? And what exactly was 006 thinking when putting Bond's head right next to the "eject" button? "Gee, Bond will never think to bang his head against the 'eject' button like the last 20 times he faced certain death in an exploding helicopter."

Later in the film, when James once again faces (yawn) certain death, this time on an exploding (yawn) train, 006 lets James know that he's got three minutes to get out before the thing blows. Naturally, two minutes and fifty-nine seconds later, James is running out of the train. Here's an idea: Tell him he's got three minutes and actually give him three seconds and blow his martini-drinking ass into a million pieces.

With this double-oh-doofus villain running around it's no surprise that his plan for world domination doesn't exactly make a lot of sense. He steals a weapon that emits electromagnetic pulse radiation so that he can erase bank records as he electronically transfers the money out of various London accounts. Does this seem like a lot of unnecessary trouble to anyone else? Presumably, the receiving bank has a record of where its transfers come from. It's likely that when the entire London banking system explodes, honoring those zillion-dollar transfers might be somewhat of a problem. Seems 006 would have better luck at a drive-through window.

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