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LEVEL ELEVEN – ARCHIVES
‘Good evening, Mr. Club Man,’ said the interrogator.
‘Bugger off, you ponce.’
‘Very well, Mr. Club Man, we will cease this idle chit- chat. General Ourumov wants to know what you were doing in a bit that wasn’t in the film.’
‘It wasn’t my fault. God told me to.’
‘A likely story.’
‘Not from this writer.’
‘That was a sarcastic comment intended to make you feel bad.’
‘Didn’t work, did it?’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be an interrogator at all. I wanted to be…A lumberjack! Swinging from tree to tree as the float down the mighty river. The Larch, the Oak, the might Scot’s Pine. The plucky little Cedar. I’d know them all.’
‘Why are we in a forest now? And where did those mounties come from?’
Suddenly, a door opened in a tree and General Ourumov walked in, took one look at them, and shot the interrogator. The room returned to normal.
‘I never liked him anyway,’ said Ourumov.
‘You spoiled the musical interlude, you sod. But you also left the door open, so I’ll escape now, if you don’t mind.’
‘Oh, fine, fine. There’s some body armour in a room across the hall, Natalya’s in the other interrogation room, then you should escape through the windows and pose annoyingly.’
‘Are you supposed to be telling me all this?’
‘Of course. You see…’ he lowered his voice, ‘…I’m actually God in a cunning disguise. Pretty cool, huh?’
‘Yeah, great.’
So Club Man escaped and stuff, and then a few minutes later left with Natalya, jumping into an alleyway which had ONLY ONE ENTRANCE which both Club Man and Natalya were FACING.
LEVEL TWELVE – STREETS
Suddenly, Club Man noticed that Natalya had been kidnapped AGAIN during the space between the levels.
‘Hmm. Someone’s carelessly left this tank lying around,’ said Club Man after shooting the weedy guard blokes, ‘I could report it to the proper authorities and walk, but I’ll nick it to make the story better.’
‘HOLD ON,’ said God.
‘Arrgh! It’s God AGAIN!’
‘YES. YOU’VE GOT TO SEE THAT UGLY, FAT RUSSIAN BLOKE AGAIN BEFORE YOU LEAVE.’
So Club Man went to see Valentin, and had another crap pre- programmed conversation, then shot him and legged it. Then he escaped from the city, with only seconds to spare. Enough to make several minutes, admittedly.
LEVEL THIRTEEN – DEPOT
Club Man found himself standing in a dark depot thingy, which had no entrance at all. Ignoring this ridiculous oversight by the programmers, Club Man walked in, armed with his Sharp Fags. He killed the first soldier, nicked his gun and used it to shoot everyone else. Then he blew up a cache of illegal arms and even some equally illegal shoulders, and the computer network while he was at it. Then he got the safe key, which was called a safe key because you can shoot it as much as you like and it’s still safe.
He used the key to open the safe and nick the plans for a crap Eurocopter, then got on the train and finished the level.
LEVEL FOURTEEN – TRAIN
‘Ye Gods, there’s a lot of boxes that have strangely appeared on this train in the space between the levels.’
‘We’re not really boxes. We’re secret agents in disguise.’
‘Why?’
‘I don’t know, I’m just a box.’
‘But you just said you were a secret agent!’
‘Shhh! You’ll blow my cover!’
‘What are you doing here?’
‘We’ve got to tell you how to stop the train.’
‘Yes?’
‘If you blow up all the brakes, the train will get a bit knackered and stop. For some reason.’
‘Right.’
The box looked around, then started acting like all the other boxes so as to blend in.
‘That was bloody strange,’ said Club Man, ‘I’d better go to the front of the train and escape this odd place.’
So Club Man got out his Sharp Fags again, then stepped out and kicked some arse. He carried on kicking arse all the way to the front of the train, then went back and kicked brakes, the went back to the front of the train and nicked a key to the bit with Trevelyan in it off another tooled-up bloke.
‘Hello, Club Man,’ said Trevelyan, ‘I’m going to stand here and look hard while Wackyday…’
‘That’s ARKADY!’
‘…Sorry, Arkady Ourumov points a gun at Natalya.’
‘This bit’s just like speed,’ said Club Man.
‘Shall I quote that whole ‘shoot the hostage’ part?’
‘If you must.’
‘I must.’
‘Go on then.’
No, the Copyright blokes’ll get me for it. Do the Goldeneye version.
‘Blast. Ok, two targets, time for one shot. The girl or the mission, Club Man?’
‘That’s such a naff line.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Oh well, I’d better shoot Wackyday…’
‘I’m leaving! I’ve had enough of people making fun of my silly Russian name!’
‘What do we do now? I’ve got to save Natalya from someone.’
‘Hold on, I think I just saw the mobile henchman shop outside.’
‘Here’s a fiver. Buy a new one, and I want the change.’
‘Cheers.’
A few minutes later, Trevelyan returned with his new henchman, the evil Mr. Spuddy Face.
‘Was that all you could get?’
‘They only had baddies from children’s cartoons left in stock.’
‘Oh well, he’ll have to do.’
Club Man shot Mr. Spuddy Face, and escaped from the train with Natalya.
LEVEL FIFTEEN – JUNGLE
‘What’s this plane doing here? How the hell did I get to Cuba from St. Petersburg?’
I’ll turn the automatic plotting machine on again.
Brzzzzt…Twang…Fzzzt…
Club Man escaped from the train, and borrowed a plane off Jack Vader, a CIA agent and part-time galactic tyrant. He flew the plane to Cuba, then remembered he didn’t know how to fly a plane and crashed. The surface-to-air missile helped, too. So now Club Man and Natalya, who were both totally unhurt for some reason, prepare to kick some arse. And shoot it, too.
Automatic plot ends…Twizz…F’tang…Wurble…
‘Hey, that was almost realistic!’
Yeah. I got the repair men in while you were kicking arse.
‘Well done,’ said Club Man, ‘Now, let’s get on with the story!’
‘Ha ha ha! I am an evil baddy and I’m going to shoot you!’
‘No you don’t! My Sharp Fags will do for you!’
‘Arrgh!’
‘Oh look, it’s a big drone gun thingy,’ said Natalya, getting shot.
‘Die, big drone gun thingy!’
The drone gun blew up, and Club Man got some armour and kicked some more arse and drone gun thingies. Then, he approached a big rope bridge, like in the old PG Tips advert. But with no chimps.
‘Ha ha ha, Mr. Club Man!’ said Xenia, who was very angry and tooled-up, ‘I’m going to kill you because no-one’s let me have a single line yet!’
‘No you don’t! My Sharp Fags will defeat you as well!
‘Oh, arseholes. I’m dead. Serves me right for being crap, I suppose.’
‘True. Now I’ll go into this cave thingy and complete the mission by shooting everyone and everything.’
So he did, and got in the lift.
LEVEL SIXTEEN – CONTROL
Club Man ran out of the lift and killed everything, then kicked Natalya up the arse to make her come out and open the door. After waiting for a subjective eternity for her to do so, he shot everyone and got some mines, which he used to blow up the armoured mainframes.
‘Hello, Club Man,’ said a pathetic, nerdy voice behind him.
‘Hold on, you’re Boris Greasygit from level five!’
‘Yeah.’
‘I shot you. You could at least have enough manners to stay dead afterwards.’
‘Sorry.’
‘I’m going to shoot you again for that!’
‘Arrgh! Bleugh.’
Then Club Man went and got some body armour and shot some more blokes, and went to get Natalya.
‘You shot Boris!’
‘So?’
‘I wanted to do it! Waaaaaaaa!’
‘Stop moaning or I’ll tell the writer some really dirty stuff about you and then everyone’ll know it.
‘Blast. Ok, I’ll turn the Goldeneye thing off.’
‘You do that. I’ll shoot the baddies that appear when you craply set the alarm off.’
‘Ok.’
‘So Natalya disabled the Goldeneye thingy, craply setting the alarm off, and Club Man shot the bad blokes. Then, when she’d finished, she buggered off, and Club Man blew up the last armoured mainframe and found the naughty Trevelyan hiding in a lift.
‘I’m the naughty Trevelyan, and I’m already late for the next level. Bye!’
The lift doors closed, and Club Man climbed into the other lift and finished the level.
LEVEL SEVENTEEN – CAVERNS
‘What crap music there is in this lift,’ said Club Man, opening the lift doors.
‘Hello, Club Man,’ said Trevelyan.
‘How the hell did you get here so fast?’
‘I don’t know. It’s a paradox.’
‘If you run away and go back to the other lift quick enough, the universe might not notice.’
‘Good idea. See you later!’
Trevelyan ran off, leaving two bad blokes.
‘Ha ha ha! Our Uzi-things will kill you, Club Man!’
‘I’ve got an Uzi-thing too!’
‘Arrrrrrrrgh!’
Some more blokes with Uzi-things turned up, and some others with big assault rifles, but unfortunately for them, Club Man shot them all.
Then he found some scientists who were standing around doing nothing. But doing it very scientifically.
‘Go away, you rubbish people. You’re far too crap to be in this story for very long.’
The scientists legged it.
‘Right, what should I do with all this delicate precision computer equipment they’ve left here?’ said Club Man, ‘I know, I’ll shoot it.’
Club Man shot the computers, which exploded in a special effect. Then he walked into a big cavern thing with a path running around the outside…
‘…A path! A path! A path!’ said the Knights Who Say ‘Nee!’
Go away, this is my story.
‘Rubbish!’
It is.
‘Arrgh! You wrote the word!’
I know. And I’ll keep writing it if you don’t go away.
‘You wrote the word again!’
GO AWAY!
‘Alright, we’re going!’
Good.
Now then, Club Man walked to the top, shooting all the bad blokes and vicious lamps on chains. Then he walked into a room with some boxes in it and shot some more baddies, then onto a walkway and shot even more baddies.
Eventually, Club Man found Trevelyan hiding in a tunnel thing.
‘Hello, Club Man. I’ll see you on the next level.’
Club Man followed him into the lift to the next level.
LEVEL EIGHTEEN – CRADLE
‘Ha ha ha! I can run faster than you!’ said Trevelyan, buggering off.
‘I’ll get you, you naughty traitor type!’ said Club Man, chasing him.
‘Come on then!’
‘Right! Hold still, you Russian git!’
‘Never! Ha ha ha!’
‘Where are you going?’
‘I’ve got to fiddle about with the control console and stop you from saving the world!’
‘Never! I’ll stuff you before you escape!’
‘Arrgh! You’ve blown the bloody console up!’
‘Yeah! Now eat THIS!’
‘Arrgh!’
‘And THIS!’
‘Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh!’
‘And some of THIS!’
‘But I’ve already got two of those! Arrrgh! You sod. I’m going to run to the bottom of the Cradle and if you follow me I’ll tell my mummy!’
‘I’m not scared of your mummy!’
‘Damn! I’ve fallen off! Arrrgh!’
‘Great! I’ve finished the game!’
No you haven’t. We’ve still got to do the secret levels.
‘Blast!’
LEVEL NINETEEN – AZTEC
Club Man stood in an alcove in the Aztec complex in Teletiteohutauniufuduiyedseda’un’cnun.
‘Now I’ll kill everyone and launch a big space shuttle!’
‘No you don’t, Club Man! We’ll stop you!’ said the crappy guards.
‘No you won’t.’
‘Arrgh!’ said the crappy guards as they were defeated in a really defeaty way.
‘Now I’ll kill everyone else!’
So Club Man killed everyone, and eventually found Jaws.
‘Hello. I’m Jaws and I’ve got metal teeth. Pretty cool, eh?’
‘Yeah.’
‘And I’ve got some big guns too!’
‘Cool.’
‘And I’ve got the door card thingy that you need to complete the mission!’
‘I tell you what. If you let me have the door card, I’ll tell you a really funny, dirty joke.’
‘Deal. Here you go.’
‘Right,’ Club Man whispered something to Jaws.
‘Ha ha ha! That’s a good one!’ Jaws said, and buggered off.
So Club Man went back to the big control room which I haven’t told you about yet, and opened the big glass panel thing. Then he uploaded some guidance data and nicked the lunch protocol data, which told the shuttle crew that it was time to have lunch.
He ran back to the really big room with the shuttle in it, and opened the big exhaust bay thing. Then he uploaded the lunch protocol data into a handy computer, making the shuttle crew go and have lunch so they wouldn’t notice that the shuttle was going to land in Grimsby now. Then he launched the shuttle.
LEVEL TWENTY – EGYPTIAN
‘Hello, Club Man. I’m Baron Monday and I’ve got the Golden Gun! Ha ha ha! And I’m never giving it back so NYAH!’ said Baron Monday, disappearing.
‘Stupid git,’ muttered Club Man.
‘I heard that,’ said Baron Monday.
So Club Man went and found the Golden Gun, then went and found Baron Monday to give him a good seeing-to.
‘Ha ha ha!’ said Baron Monday, ‘I am a master of scary Voodoo stuff!’
‘So what?’
‘So I’m going to shoot you with my guns.’
‘Doesn’t sound all that Voodoo to me.’
‘Well…They’re, erm…You know…Err…’
‘No.’
‘Sod it. I’m just going to shoot you.’
‘Not if I shoot you first!’
‘Arrgh! I’ll have to reincarnate back at the start of the level!’
There was a spooky laugh, because Jaws had just texted Baron Monday with Club Man’s dirty joke.
‘I’ve found you again, Baron Monday! Now I’m going to shoot you with the Golden Gun and make you die!’
‘Arrgh! I’ll have to reincarnate and then turn the lights off!’
‘Go on then!’
So he did. But Club Man found him again.
‘Why can’t you stay dead?’
‘My soul is attached to my body with an elastic band!’
‘Ha ha! Now I know your weakness!’ said Club Man, hurling his Sharp Fags at the elastic band, ‘Now I will kill you once and for all!’
‘Arrgh!’
‘Hooray! Now I’ve won properly!’
And he had.
THE END.
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