It used to be that you only had to worry about seeing a grown man take a shit on camera if the movie you were watching had the word "Jackass" in the title. Now, thanks to Owen Wilson's most recent abortion, "Hall Pass," everyone everywhere will be forced to stay vigilant at the cineplex lest they too be tricked into witnessing a fat man drop a deuce in a golf course sand trap.
Don't get me wrong – "Hall Pass" is very equal opportunity with its gross-out humor. Feces fans will be delighted to know that the film also contains a scene where a woman also evacuates her bowels rather violently against the wall of a hotel room bathroom. Other delights awaiting "Hall Pass" viewers include public masturbation and a number of enormous and tiny penises on display at seemingly random points in the plot.
Ostensibly, "Hall Pass" is about the idea that Wilson and his loser buddy Jason Suedikis get a week to snag extra-curricular pussy outside of their marriage with the consent of their long-suffering wives. Unfortunately, as in nearly every other aspect of life, the word "consent" makes everything twice as boring as it could be. Remember how much fun movies like "Fatal Attraction" were? Well, how exciting would anything in that movie have been if Michael Douglas had had permission to sleep with a deranged psychopath? Essentially, even the longest leash is still a leash, and none of the writers of this so-called comedy ever seem to have ever left the yard, let alone accidentally impregnated a Thai hooker on a weekend bender in Bali.
Because honestly, hookers are the only way any of the uptight losers in this movie would have ever gotten laid had the "Hall Pass" premise ever come to pass in real life. At this point in his career Owen Wilson looks to be about two Big Macs away from ballooning up to 300 lbs and spending the rest of his life sport fishing in the Florida Keys. You can almost see the despair welling up behind his eyes as he realizes with each passing second that he is aging past the point where moderate good looks and a broken nose can carry him through the weak scripts that get passed on down to him like scraps from Robert Downey Jr.'s table. Throw in Suedikis, who only ever gets cast when Ed Helms is too busy counting his money to bother returning phone calls, and a seriously busted female lead like Christina Applegate, who either needs a complete skin replacement or a contractual clause calling for telephoto lenses, and you have the "Hall Pass" package of fail.
See this if you want to wreck your marriage. Or you could just save yourself the ten bucks and give your teenage babysitter a six pack for Christmas. Whatever works for you.
To spread the word about this Hall Pass review on Twitter.To get instant updates of Mr. Cranky reviews, subscribe to our RSS feed.