Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Bomb Rating: 

I admit, I've never read any of the Harry Potter books. There aren't enough hours left in my life to read a series of seven, 700-plus page books about a magical young English nitwit who is waiting for his balls to drop. The latest bit of Pottermania, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," is an adaptation of the sixth book in the seven book series, which means there are only two movies to go. Yes, really.

The never-ending plot thread through all the movies is about the attempts by complete bastard, Voldemort (played by Dick Cheney--no, not really) to take over the world before Kim Jong Il. We learn that before he became the Dark Lord, his name was Tom Riddle, and that he was an orphan, proving once again, that you can't trust those fucking orphans. Despite his importance to the series, Voldemort doesn't actually bother to show up this time, so he is represented by a retinue of henchman. This includes white-haired turd, Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton) and Bellatrix Lestrange (Helena Bonham Carter without makeup, apparently) who spends much quality time shooting across the sky with what appears to be a large cloud of flatulence burping out of her rear end.

The primary subplot concerns the roaring hormones of the young wizard cadets. Implausibly, the first to get any action is Harry's best friend, ginger numbskull, Ron Weasly (Rupert Grint), who is hotly pursued by a young blonde cutie, Lavender Brown (Jessie Cave). This is about as logical as Jughead being stalked by Betty and Veronica, but there you are. Equally idiotic is that we find out that dour, mannish, ball-buster, Hermione Granger (Emma Watson), has developed a
crush on Ron, which is a bit like Jodie Foster finally realizing that she has an abiding passion for John Hinckley, Jr. Meanwhile Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) has it for Ron's ginger sister, Ginny Weasley (Bonnie Wright), despite the fact Radcliffe looks more like Liza Minnelli with each new picture.

The film also reveals more about Dark Arts instructor, and general tight ass, Servius Snape (played by all-around English utility acting prat, Alan Rickman). Snape glowers throughout the pic using the same expression as in all the other films, to the point you wonder if Rickman isn't afraid his face will freeze that way. Instead of the power of magic, Snape really appears to need an ass-blasting laxative.

The periodic fight scenes are really nothing more than re-staged B-western gun battle scenes using sticks instead of six-shooters. And instead of saying things like "Ahm gonna git you, Black Bart" they shout out lines like "Bippitty bappity boo! Zammity alakazam" which must be magic language for "cue the overblown CGI effects!"

Anyhow, with any luck they will finish the series before the older cast members die off and the younger cast members need Botox. And before J.K. Rowling decides to get back on the gravy train and start pumping out sequels.

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Average: 3.4 (14 votes)

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Funny stuff, Mr. Ball

Coaster's picture

I especially liked the comparison of Daniel to Liza.  Though the possible pairing of Foster with Hinkley is wrong on many levels.

I've always wondered why Voldemort wanted to take over the world. That has never been addressed in the films, and like you, by the time I get around to reading Rowling's works, I'll have been long dead.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to the last two movies, though on the way out of the theater when movie number 8 is done, I'll turn to my wife and say, "Wow, I'm glad that shit is finally over!" Just to piss her off.


Oddball's picture

I enjoyed the latest Potter flick the most out of all of them, but I'll also be glad when number eight is history. Even though I like them pretty well , I always find them somewhat unsatisfying. I'm not sure why. For me, there is just something missing.

But for real satisfaction, last night I went to see the nationally broadcast live showing of Plan Nine from Outer Space by the Rifftrax (formerly MST3K) guys. I had a rollicking good time. The only bad point was when we were sitting down, I dropped my ticket stub and instinctively reached down to pick it up--touching the floor in the process!!! Yuck. I ran for the restroom faster than Larry Craig looking for a hot date. The theater was almost full, so I'm hoping they will do another one.

I've also heard that the Rifftrax commentary on "Twilight" is pretty good, too.

This movie could have used...

FearlessFreep's picture

...more Snape and less teenage romance.


Why was it unsatisfying?

Rajah's picture

Emma Watson had no nude scenes?

Super overrated

Decaf's picture

I don't get why everyone liked this movie. The review was brilliant, but the film sucked.

David Yates is a terrible director who can't direct an action sequence to save his life. The rest of the movie was merely adequite, which was a step up from the horrible 6th book, the only stinker in the series, but this guy is a master of the anticlimax, the ending was really weak. 



Yeah, this film expanded on

jazzdrive3's picture

Yeah, this film expanded on the shallow parts of the book and skimped on the important character moments. Truly a disappointment.

And has a worse relationship been written for film than Harry and Ginn?. No chemistry and unbelievable. This was one thing they shouldn't have changed from the book.

made up scenes

Rebecca Rader's picture

What made me the maddest about the 6th movie is some of the scenes they added that weren't in the book and ABSOLUTELY DO NOT follow the books storyline. I understand leaving parts our of the series that didn't follow the main plot (ie hermione and S.P.E.W.), but to pull scenes out of thin air (ie the weasley's house burning down during christmas break, wtf?!) I simply do not understand how they are going to start movie 7 which is supposed to mainly take part at the burrow for Bill and Fleur's wedding. I can deal with leaving parts out but to make up parts for no reason.....grrrr...

Here's an idea--

Billy_Z's picture

"Meanwhile Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) has it for Ron's ginger sister, Ginny Weasley (Bonnie Wright), despite the fact Radcliffe looks more like Liza Minnelli with each new picture." I wonder what would have happened if Harry had had it for Ron?

It would turn into ANOTHER COUNTRY

FearlessFreep's picture

And it would end with Harry serving Voldemort in a spy ring.


Larry Craig makes big splash in bathroom & theater

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

One of Washington's more colorful recent scandals is heading to the stage.

A playwright and filmmaker who splits his time between New York and Los Angeles is writing a fictionalized play about former senator Larry Craig's 2007 arrest in an airport men's room sex sting, The Sleuth has learned.

The work-in-progress, titled -- what else? -- "Wide Stance," is already scheduled for a debut reading in Craig's hometown of Boise in January...


{;-) Dan in Miami

PS:  Who says the theater is dead?  Personally I can't wait for the tap dance number in the men's room!  Fred Astair would be so jealous!

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