Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
I admit, I've never read any of the Harry Potter books. There aren't enough hours left in my life to read a series of seven, 700-plus page books about a magical young English nitwit who is waiting for his balls to drop. The latest bit of Pottermania, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," is an adaptation of the sixth book in the seven book series, which means there are only two movies to go. Yes, really.
The never-ending plot thread through all the movies is about the attempts by complete bastard, Voldemort (played by Dick Cheney--no, not really) to take over the world before Kim Jong Il. We learn that before he became the Dark Lord, his name was Tom Riddle, and that he was an orphan, proving once again, that you can't trust those fucking orphans. Despite his importance to the series, Voldemort doesn't actually bother to show up this time, so he is represented by a retinue of henchman. This includes white-haired turd, Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton) and Bellatrix Lestrange (Helena Bonham Carter without makeup, apparently) who spends much quality time shooting across the sky with what appears to be a large cloud of flatulence burping out of her rear end.
The primary subplot concerns the roaring hormones of the young wizard cadets. Implausibly, the first to get any action is Harry's best friend, ginger numbskull, Ron Weasly (Rupert Grint), who is hotly pursued by a young blonde cutie, Lavender Brown (Jessie Cave). This is about as logical as Jughead being stalked by Betty and Veronica, but there you are. Equally idiotic is that we find out that dour, mannish, ball-buster, Hermione Granger (Emma Watson), has developed a
crush on Ron, which is a bit like Jodie Foster finally realizing that she has an abiding passion for John Hinckley, Jr. Meanwhile Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) has it for Ron's ginger sister, Ginny Weasley (Bonnie Wright), despite the fact Radcliffe looks more like Liza Minnelli with each new picture.
The film also reveals more about Dark Arts instructor, and general tight ass, Servius Snape (played by all-around English utility acting prat, Alan Rickman). Snape glowers throughout the pic using the same expression as in all the other films, to the point you wonder if Rickman isn't afraid his face will freeze that way. Instead of the power of magic, Snape really appears to need an ass-blasting laxative.
The periodic fight scenes are really nothing more than re-staged B-western gun battle scenes using sticks instead of six-shooters. And instead of saying things like "Ahm gonna git you, Black Bart" they shout out lines like "Bippitty bappity boo! Zammity alakazam" which must be magic language for "cue the overblown CGI effects!"
Anyhow, with any luck they will finish the series before the older cast members die off and the younger cast members need Botox. And before J.K. Rowling decides to get back on the gravy train and start pumping out sequels.
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