Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Bomb Rating: 

I think they should reject the idea of doing the third installment of this series as "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" and go for either "Harry Potter and the First Pubic Hair" or "Harry Potter and the Mystery of the Training Bra." After all, Harry and Hermione are getting close now, and before long Harry is going to have to figure out what kind of spell will unsnap one of those suckers.

Seriously, director Christopher Columbus is getting a little too cutesy having Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) and Hermione (Emma Watson) hug and hold hands (okay, Harry holds her hand in the hospital while she's unconscious). This only perpetuates the myth of the female friend. No such thing. Anybody who's been a twelve-year-old boy will tell you that Hermione is starting to look pretty hot and Harry ain't thinking about holding just her hand. And what's this crap with Ron (Rupert Grint) not wanting to hug Hermione and essentially giving us that "girls are icky" look? Give me a break. That boy has a boner and he's embarrassed to share.

Though the house elf Dobby shows up in Harry's room like in the book, Columbus has conveniently eliminated all that stuff about Hermione trying to free the house elves. Why? Well, for one, there are no black people in "Harry Potter," so the issue of enslaved house elves doesn't really interest the fan base, whose idea of oppression is having an episode of "Full House" postponed due to a Presidential Address. Another reason is that now that Columbus is essentially "the man," his housekeeper and nanny are probably minorities and if near-slavery is good enough for them, it's good enough for those annoying house elves.

I'd also like to know why there aren't any Americans at Hogwarts. Perhaps there's another wizarding school in the States, but nobody has mentioned it. I'm sure the reason is that American magic kicks British magic's ass all over the place. While the British are learning spells to keep their teeth clean and boil a potato correctly, we're blowing stuff up. The British are obviously doing the magic we were doing 20 years ago. I say we just remake this whole stupid series into something more culturally relevant. Next film: "DeShaun Jackson and the Prisoner of Alcatraz."

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Average: 3.7 (3 votes)

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