Heartbreakers

Bomb Rating: 

If any attention were paid to Love Hewitt's acting, the audience would be experiencing seizures that would cause all kinds of insurance problems for the theaters.

I realized something while watching this film, featuring Jennifer Love Hewitt of "I Know What Your Breasts Did Last Summer" fame. It's now official: The girl is no longer partly defined by her breasts -- she's now all breasts. She flits around the whole movie trying to play the con artist daughter of a con artist mother (Sigourney Weaver), and all I could think was, "Those freakish melons simply do not belong on that tiny little body." It was like a flashback to Disney's Pocahontas.

Now, this was obviously the filmmaker's intent, because if any attention were paid to Love Hewitt's acting, the audience would be experiencing seizures that would cause all kinds of insurance problems for the theaters. So instead, new bra technology was utilized to keep her breasts wiggling around in her undersized push-up bra like a bowl of Jell-O sitting smack-dab on the San Andreas fault. Is there a convex lens at play here, or do the special effects people manipulate her chest to make it look even bigger? She really does look like a mop with a couple of basketballs strapped to it.

Love (as her friends call her) plays Page, daughter to Max (Sigourney Weaver). Together they form a mother-daughter con artist combo that travels about ripping people off. First on the list is Dean (Ray Liotta). Max marries him, then "catches" him with Page, divorces him and gets half his worldly possessions. Page wants to set out on her own -- be her own woman, do her own cons -- but Max doesn't think she's ready. They agree to pull one last job on an old tobacco tycoon named William Tensy (Gene Hackman), but Page gets involved with Jack (Jason Lee), whom she thinks she'll con and not fall in love with. Of course, everyone in the audience knows exactly what's going to happen, which is that Page will fall for Jack and not be able to con him.

This is yet another film where the writers don't think anything through. First, Jack seems interesting for two scenes. After that, he's Page's bitch. He has no mind of his own, and falls in love with her for no apparent reason. If he would have cited a credible reason, such as "hypnotized by the knockers," I would have actually bought that. Max pretends to be Russian while with Tensy, but the only word she knows is "da," which proves troublesome in a Russian restaurant. You'd think a true con artist might learn some Russian to make that particular ruse work right.

How long is this film? Half an hour too long, which is a common occurrence when filmmakers have no self-control, no talent, and end up accomplishing little more than a waste of the audience's time.

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