I had no idea this Farrelly (“There’s Something About Mary”) brothers film was so bad, but then again, that’s precisely what happens to guys who get sucked into the system, start bending over for their corporate bosses, and frankly, get old. Old people just aren’t funny and the Farrelly brothers are just old enough to be inconsequential and completely irrelevant. Apparently, funny to them is hearing Jerry Stiller say the word “pussy”. Nice try, guys. Old people spouting profanity is to comedy what best friend falling in love is to romance. It’s boring, old, and nauseating. Funny to me is watching Jerry back over his son’s head in his Delta 88.

A good rule of thumb regarding movies is to have a likable main character or even semi-likable. Eddie Cantrow (Ben Stiller) is nothing more than a bitter, aging asshole. His stale combination of lonliness and angst is deserving of nothing more than contempt. Here’s a guy who can’t embrace the single life and can’t make a commitment either. When he meets Lila (Malin Akerman), he looks at her and thinks “relationship” for no other reason than that’s what’s on his mind. Next thing you know, they’re married and headed to Mexico for their honeymoon.

What man in his right mind marries a woman he barely knows only to find out, on his honeymoon, that she fucks like a rabid dog, has no job, and has got the mental stability of Martin Lawrence on acid? Eddie gets to Mexico, determines that Lila is a whack job, and immediately starts hunting for alternate poontang. He finds it in the form of Miranda (Michelle Monaghan), who Eddie determines is really his dream girl, though for what reason I don’t really know other than she resembles the same thirteen-year-old girl that Lila does.

“The Heartbreak Kid” is about forty minutes too long and is misogynistic as hell. All the women in the film are harpies. Miranda, while not exactly a harpy, isn’t exactly brimming with self-confidence. When Eddie decides that she’s the coolest woman he’s ever met, one just exhales and realizes that if he’d just turn his head once more, he’d certainly find the second coolest woman he’d ever met at the very least.

Quite frankly, all I think about watching Ben Stiller nowadays is that rumor that he won’t allow anybody on set to look him in the eye. Ben Stiller is a dick and it comes across pretty profoundly. If everyone isn’t as sick of him as I am, you should be.