Heaven

Bomb Rating: 

There's a picture on the back of the DVD case in which Cate Blanchett is in the process of taking off her shirt. Now, I must have fast-forwarded through this damn DVD fifteen times and I never came across that scene. If that isn't false advertising, I don't know what is.

So, you have a script that takes place in Italy, with dialogue mostly in Italian, then you hire English-speaking actors for the parts and provide the audience with subtitles. Who doesn't ask themselves: Why didn't they just set this film in an English-speaking country and dispense with the pretense?

To make matters worse, the main characters are named Philippa (Cate Blanchett) and Filippo (Giovanni Ribisi), which gets pretty damn confusing, especially when it's in a foreign language. There's also a picture on the back of the DVD case in which Cate Blanchett is in the process of taking off her shirt. Now, I must have fast-forwarded through this damn DVD fifteen times and I never came across that scene. If that isn't false advertising, I don't know what is.

Actually, while Philippa just speaks Italian, she's actually British. This is doubly frustrating because you're reading those subtitles knowing full well that Philippa could speak English if she really wanted to. However, she's arrested by the Italian cops, charged with a bombing and interrogated. The interpreter is Filippo, who fills in at the last minute, takes one look at Philippa and falls in love.

I guess Filippo is just really hard up because it's pretty clear to him that Philippa is guilty. He must think that because she's probably going to face a firing squad, springing her from prison will probably get him into her pants. You know what? He's right! This is the lamest excuse for a love story I've ever seen.

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