Heaven's Prisoners

Bomb Rating: 

Hot weather is always an excellent excuse to have Alec Baldwin in any movie, if only to offer the audience the distraction of watching pools of sweat soak through his clothing -- he steps outside for five minutes and looks like he's been lactating.

A stripper named Robin (Mary Stuart Masterson) refers to formerNew Orleans cop, Dave Robicheaux (Alec Baldwin), by the nickname "Streak" in this Phil ("Final Analysis") Joanou offering. Robin calls Dave "Streak" because he's got this idiotic looking white spot in his hair that looks like he fell asleep on a hot oven burner while cleaning his stove.

Dave is a tough-guy doofus and it's difficult to give a rat's ass about his well-being given that he kills mafia employees and then expects their employers to just go, "Oh, that Dave, what an ultramaroon! Let's not kill his family. Let's just go peddle our drugs in another city." When a plane crashes near his boat on the bayou, Dave and his wife, Annie (Kelly Lynch), rescue a little Mexican girl and realize the plane also contained a well-known drug trafficker who worked for the DEA. It's not hard to see that Dave's in over his head because he and his wife keep speaking English to a kid they know only speaks Spanish.

What Dave isn't doing for linguistics he also isn't doing for the New Orleans tourist industry. Apparently, the city is some kind of big gangster amusement park where people go to sweat, do drugs and shoot other people.

The hot weather produces all sorts of interesting distractions. When Dave goes to visit his buddy and drug kingpin, Bubba Rocque (Eric Roberts), he finds Bubba's wife, Lois Lane (Teri Hatcher), standing butt-naked on the balcony. Of course, hot weather is always an excellent excuse to have Alec Baldwin in any movie, if only to offer the audience the distraction of watching pools of sweat soak through his clothing -- he steps outside for five minutes and looks like he's been lactating. Don't blame New Orleans, however -- Baldwin is so hairy and sweaty, he'd probably soak through his shirt while eating ice cream in a meat locker at the North Pole.

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