Heavy Metal 2000

Bomb Rating: 

I'm reluctant to admit this -- really reluctant -- but this movie was so bad that it made me . . .

I'm reluctant to admit this -- really reluctant -- but this movie was so bad that it made me sorry I didn't drive 40 miles to see the new Flintstones film. Suddenly, I feel like Sandra Bullock in "28 Days," finally admitting that she has a problem. Do you know the kind of inner conflict I'm suffering here? It's like finding out you were adopted. I was actually upset I didn't go see the Flintstones film. Christ, I can barely write that.

Aside from the animation, this film bears almost no resemblance to its predecessor. There's not a memorable, much less a bearable, piece of music in the entire film. It's also one long, boring story instead of a series of different ones. It took three writers to construct this script, which contains dialogue so simplistic and awful, I surmise it was created using alphabet-stamped building blocks.

The most notable thing about "Heavy Metal 2000" is its liberal use of the fade-out, which seems to be the result of some four-year-old discovering that cameras have lens caps. A scene will be moving along and then suddenly it will fade out for no apparent reason. I suppose I should be thankful. The fact that Julie Strain provides the voice for the central character (impressively, also named Julie) offers ample insight into the tone of the film as Strain's b-movie experience is put to good use.

The large-breasted Julie is trying to rescue her large-breasted sister from the clutches of the evil Tyler (voiced by Michael Ironside), who's looking for some magic water that will make him live forever. Compared to the first film, there's not nearly enough cartoon sex and frankly, Julie and her sister's breasts just aren't large enough. I mean, those breasts in the first film comprised half the women's body weight. Plus, whoever drew the characters basically plopped some tits on a man's frame, which is not the least bit sexy. Ironically, "Heavy Metal 2000" needed to be much worse to be better.

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