Hellraiser: Bloodline

Bomb Rating: 

You almost have to admire a movie that, even before the first scene, gives you a clear signal that it's about to pull down your pants and pour acid on your groin. This signal comes in the form of the "Directed by" credit, which is attributed to Alan Smithee. "Alan Smithee," in case you didn't know, is a code-name in Hollywood for "Ah-ha, we got your money and we're not giving it back. Nyah, nyah!" The illustrious, but fictional, Mr. Smithee has directed such treats as "Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh" and "Shrimp on the Barbie," both films in which the director was too scared to reveal his real name for fear of irate moviegoers hunting him down and forcing him to watch repeated screenings of his work.

"Hellraiser: Bloodline" was apparently made by a film company with lots of spare sets floating around that it wanted to put to good use. Part of this film takes place on a space station, part in Renaissance England and part in present-day New York. Ostensibly, the film is about the creation of the cube that spawns Pinhead and the family that's cursed throughout time to deal with him.

Even Mr. Cranky is reasonable enough to expect films like these to be of marginal quality, but why does the horror genre have to be the place where studio executives exile their mentally-deficient family members? The makers of "Hellraiser: Bloodline" aren't even smart enough to make their film scary, the only real requirement of a horror pic. Pinhead looks and sounds like Prince Charles after a bad facial and is about as frightening.

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