He's Just Not That Into You
Every once in a while Hollywood churns out a ‘comedy’ that centers around the fact that most single women above 30 live in a desperate, pervasive Hell of their own creation thanks to their inability to find non-deadbeat sperm to invade their dusty wombs. A parade of self-deluded spinsters and self-assured, independent and successful men are drawn across the screen, and at the end you ride home with your girlfriend in complete silence while she tries to hide the single tear welling up in her right eye. Nervously, you hit the button that locks all the doors in your car and hope for the best.
He’s Just Not That Into You is such a film, and even more frightening is the fact that it actually stars a couple of actresses who used to be hot before Father Time busted their tight curves and smooth faces with his ugly-whip. Jennifer Connelly and Jennifer Aniston really need to fire their agents, because any movie that casts them opposite the very definition of sex itself, Scarlett Johansson, is going to leave them looking more dried-out and leathery than Pam Anderson’s outer labia. These two once-pretty, now mom-like and sad ladies see their hearts broken and their dreams shattered while a younger friend, played to the irritating hilt by ‘Ginnifer Goodwin’ (was she born in a STRIP CLUB?) learns almost nothing about life and love.
The male cast isn’t much better. Ben Affleck rises from his crypt to remind us all that he was once good for more than just plowing that elf chick from Lord Of The Rings. In this flick, he’s a dude who gets kicked out of his own house and has to live on his sailboat – an eerie piece of foreshadowing if I’ve ever seen one. Justin Long tries to play it serious, but quickly finds himself out of his league when trying to interact with anyone not representing Microsoft Windows in human form. Flower Films couldn’t afford Ralph Fiennes, so they used TV’s Bradley Cooper instead and probably paid him in ‘seconds you can touch Scarlett’s chest’.
If you’ve ever seen any movie where men don’t understand women, or vice-versa, then you’ve already seen He’s Just Not That Into You. If you want the added bonus of watching actors past their physical prime visibly age in front of your eyes, then by all means catch this flick. If you would rather preserve your memories of ‘Friends’ and Affleck’s career-defining ‘Phantoms’, then stay at home, turn on the DVD player, and drink yourself into oblivion. Alone. And please don’t reproduce, ever.
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