Hey Arnold! The Movie

Bomb Rating: 

What I didn't know about Arnold is that he's a flaming Marxist and his neighborhood is full of Commies.

I have absolutely no familiarity with this animated Arnold character, and after seeing "Hey Arnold! The Movie" I'm praying to sweet Jesus that there are no more films about him.

Kids apparently really like this cartoon because they clapped at the end, but there were more crying brats and fidgeting four-year-olds in the theater than I've ever seen in my life. The kid a couple seats down from me looked like he'd recently consumed a twelve-pack of Jolt and six or seven Milky Ways. The only way anybody could have made this kid spin around in his seat any more was to jam an industrial strength floor polisher up his ass and set it on high.

The story of the movie is that Arnold (Spencer Klein) and his buddy Gerald (Jamil Walker Smith) are trying to save their neighborhood from demolition by an evil corporate hog named Scheck (Paul Sorvino) who wants to build a mall there. They bust into his office with the help of Helga (Francesca Smith) and eventually save the day. What I didn't know about Arnold is that he's a flaming Marxist and his neighborhood is full of Commies. A guy is offering to buy them out despite the fact that they live in a slum. All they do is complain, which probably explains why nobody patronizes anything in their neighborhood. It's not like Scheck is just going to tear it down without compensating them properly and if he's able to offer them a fair price for their neighborhood, why shouldn't he turn it into a mall? That's capitalism. What Arnold and the gang want is for the government to step in and stop Scheck from taking over. Ultimately what they find is that their neighborhood has been declared historic, thus emphasizing the important role of the government in limiting businesses development.

However, the thing that really bothered me the most about this film is that Grandpa Phil (Dan Castellaneta) has a giant penis going straight through his head. Take a real good look at him. The testicles form the basis for his chin and the shaft runs up through his skull and out the top of his head. In fact, there are quite a few characters with testicle-like chins. When I stood up in the theater to loudly point this out, however, the gathered families reacted with aversion and fear. Hey, don't blame me -- I'm not the one who conceived Grandpa Stiffy up there. Oh well, such is the burden of vision.

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