Home Alone 3

Bomb Rating: 

This film -- and others like it -- are really a form of brainwashing. Obviously, there's no reason to make this sequel other than money. It's sole draw is the bankability of the name, which tells people exactly what the movie is going to be about: some kid outwitting some adults.

However, even more insidious is the way in which movies like this one are creating a cinematic world where debate about quality is virtually impossible. Discerning free will is moot if we all prove ourselves automatons who'll simply do anything we're told. If the side of the package says "eat shit," we'll eat shit. If the television says "kill your parents," we'll kill our parents. And if Hollywood says "see 'Home Alone 3'" because that's all they're going to give us, then we're going to go see "Home Alone 3."

The reason no purposeful evaluation of movies of this type can take place is because Hollywood has created standards that are so pathetically low that no right-thinking human can establish an appropriate benchmark by which to accurately measure their quality. They can only be measured against themselves. Thus, Hollywood is suddenly defining quality for itself. This takes the decision out of the hand of the viewer, whose new role is to simply put her hand in her pocket, give the money to the cashier and have her brain sucked out of her skull by the Hollywood vacuum of mediocrity.

So, what would you have Mr. Cranky do? Compare the merits of Alex D. Linz to Macauley Culkin? Rank the dumb criminals of the first film against the smarter criminals of the third? These things are so relative as to be utterly meaningless; it's like comparing the taste of dirt to the taste of shoe polish. If I'm that desperate to eat I might as well be dead.

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  • If there's any satisfaction in watching a movie like this, it comes from imagining the conversation that took place between some producer and some Hollywood executive: "Say, Bob, here's an idea.

  • Thank Disney. This movie is about to do for pet euthanasia what JeffreyDahmer did for Zip-Loc freezer bags.

  • After seeing "Home Alone 3" I based the remaining years of my existence on the theory that I would never again have to see Alex D. Linz in a movie. How wrong I was.