The Horse Whisperer

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Here's how this film goes: A little rich girl, Grace MacLean (Scarlett Johansson) falls off her horsie. The horsie is maimed and the girl is maimed. Her mother, Annie (Kristin Scott Thomas), a big-shot magazine editor, hops in the Range Rover and rushes over to the hospital. Mom then takes a month or two off work because of the resultant "stress." Dad (Sam Neill) is a lawyer and she can. She hires a guy who works with horses, Tom Booker (Robert Redford), for God only knows how much money and then spends the rest of her free time watching him wiggling his ass as he rights everybody's dysfunctional ship.

Pardon me, Mr. Redford, but should I give a flying piece of horse manure about Annie or Grace or their upper-class problems? Gee, you fell off your horsie. God, doesn't that suck. Let me yank this syringe full of heroin out of my arm and shed a tear for you. Hey, Bob, how about pulling those M. Scott Peck books out of your ass and joining us in the real world?

Here's the reality-based version of this stupid story: It's called "The Fork Whisperer." On the South Side of Chicago, little baby Mojo falls out of his chair onto a fork, which goes right through his eye. His mother grabs him, rushes down twenty-five flights of stairs (the elevator isn't working because the landlord won't fix it) to a public payphone where she calls "911." After forty-five minutes an ambulance finally shows up and takes Mom and Mojo to a hospital where a doctor refuses service because Mom's HMO has a "no fork" clause.

The doctor, feeling sorry for Mojo, refers Mom to a fork whisperer, a street-doctor adept at bending forks with his mind and communing with most types of silverware. As he saves young Mojo, Mom falls in love with the fork whisperer, and six months later, pregnant with his quintuplets, she runs off with him, leaving poor one-eyed Mojo to be raised by cruel foster parents.

It beats "The Horse Whisperer" any day.

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