House of 1000 Corpses

Bomb Rating: 

"House of 1000 Corpses" is written and directed by Rob Zombie, a man with all the creative power of testicle sweat.

When a film has been on the shelf for two or three years, one hopes that the filmmakers have spent that time looking for inspiration, leading them to go back and re-edit, reshoot and do whatever it takes to make their film the best that it can be. Unfortunately, "House of 1000 Corpses" is written and directed by Rob Zombie, a man with all the creative power of testicle sweat.

Sadly, this oversight is even more pathetic given the genre: horror. The genre has a simple rule for entertaining its fans: When in doubt, kill stuff. How Zombie might think he has a talent for storytelling when his only talent for singing is to drown out the lyrics with noise is anybody's guess. Maybe this is his idea of inspiration.

The film pays homage to the "classic" horror films of the 1970s, like "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," presumably by being really crappy and boring. That's what really gets me about this film. It's dull. It's tedious. The gore sucks. Nobody dies in any particularly interesting way. A bunch of college-aged kids happen upon a horror museum run by Captain Spaulding (Sid Haig). The guys are horror fans and are looking for a particular landmark. Next thing you know, they're knocking on the door of Karen Black's house during a rainstorm. Shortly after that, they realize they've made a mistake and they're going to die. Oooh, kids lost in the middle of nowhere threatened by freaks! I haven't seen that before.

I guess I'm assuming this was the film Rob Zombie wanted to make all his life. Can you imagine? He had all that time to write the script, to come up with the shots, to hire the right actors. This was the best he could do? It's like that kid in elementary school who bragged about being the fastest in his class. Then, during the race, right after everyone yells "GO!" he trips and cracks his head open on the asphalt. Pathetic.

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