I am Number Four

Bomb Rating: 

I won't lie – if you are an adult who ends up watching "I Am Number Four" without being accompanied by at least one minor, you'll probably find a squad car parked behind your VW Minibus when you exit the theatre. I have a sneaking suspicion that these films are only produced as part of a larger campaign to smoke out pedophiles.

It's a damn good thing that most teenage aliens out there look exactly like humans, because otherwise, where the fuck in the universe would they hide when the aliens who DON'T look exactly like homo sapiens decide that it's time for them to die? This is the basic premise behind every "aliens being hunted on Earth" movie since the dawn of time, and it's the same one that was dusted off and trotted around by the disappointing "I Am Number Four."

When I say "disappointing," I am obviously referring to the hopes and dreams of that 8-14 demographic that this movie was targeted at. AKA, the kids who found Twilight to be too arousing and couldn't be left alone with a book about a glittering vampire for more than 30 seconds without masturbating to completion and crying for the rest of art class. No, "I Am Number Four" is good old-fashioned sexless teen sci-fi with people ejaculating LED lighting from their hands instead of messing in their pants.

Unfortunately, there is very little to "I Am Number Four" that hasn't already been seen in any of the four X-Men movies. A dude lifts shit up in the air with his mind – a chick teleports from one side of the room to the other – bald aliens with really bad teeth fire massive lasers at anything that moves – it's all old hat. "I Am Number Four" really had the chance to break free from its derivative squeaky-clean roots and answer some of the most pressing questions regarding human / alien relations. Like "do aliens embrace the concept of fisting as much as Japanese manga suggests that they do?" Or, "why isn't Nicolas Cage in this movie when every single adult part was so clearly written with him in mind?" And finally "why am I the only person in the theatre with a driver's license?"

I won't lie – if you are an adult who ends up watching "I Am Number Four" without being accompanied by at least one minor, you'll probably find a squad car parked behind your VW Minibus when you exit the theatre. I have a sneaking suspicion that these films are only produced as part of a larger campaign to smoke out pedophiles. If that sounds far-fetched to you, then consider the fact that "To Catch A Predator" became so popular that they actually HAD TO CANCEL THE SHOW because it was no longer effective at luring dudes with moustaches into the skeezy world of junior high sex parties. "I Am Number Four" might have cost millions of dollars to film, but realistically, that's what it takes to overcome the power of 14-year olds doing keg stands behind their uncle's trailer on your webcam.

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