Independence Day

Bomb Rating: 

What should we expect from the makers of "Stargate"? Finesse is not exactly their strong point. Sure, they're pretty good at blowing up stuff, but what four-year-old isn't?

During the last hour of "Independence Day" I experiencedthat lobotomized, drooling feeling only a graduation ceremony can provide. When the Earthers start fighting back, every event is accompanied by a procession and a speech. Sources tell me that the music composer actually has a tuba for a head. Thus, every time the President looks cross-eyed at the alien ship we're treated to some godawful, non-stop, "Pomp and Circumstance" tuba medley that's enough to turn your brain into liquid and drive you to buying an Uzi and heading to the nearest dealer of brass musical instruments.

Then again, what should we expect from the makers of "Stargate"? Finesse is not exactly their strong point. Sure, they're pretty good at blowing up stuff, but what four-year-old isn't? When it comes time for an important plot twist their solution is to look at each other and scream "ALIEN MIND MELD!" like dorks at a Star Trek Convention.

Yes, the President has a brief mind meld with an alien after which he recites some horribly Ginsberg-esque line like "I've seen the alien mind of my generation destroyed by madness." He then goes on to explain that he knows everything and that the aliens are like locusts (not that the exoskeleton and the bug-like appearance gave that away or anything). Similarly complex is David's (Jeff Goldblum) brilliant scheme to infect the mother ship with a computer virus. Apparently, the aliens were too busy perfecting their death rays to bother installing a network firewall or the latest version of VirusBuster.

Exactly when are aliens going to learn to stop screwing with the pesky humans anyway? First lesson: Plug up the damn hole in your huge planet-killing ship and don't let the humans in when they come a knockin'. The aliens spent all that time studying human defensive capabilities and they couldn't watch "Star Wars" just once? And while these oh-so-superior aliens were building their incredible flying machines, couldn't they have set aside just one hour to review basic military tactics? Here's one: "RETREAT!" Apparently the alien Sun-Tzu has a saying: "Don't worry, be stupid."

To spread the word about this Independence Day review on Twitter.

To get instant updates of Mr. Cranky reviews, subscribe to our RSS feed.
0 Comments

Like This Independence Day Review? Vote it Up.

1

Rate This Movie:

Average: 2.3 (4 votes)

Other Cranky Content You Might Enjoy

  • Welcome to "E.T. 2: The Evil Terrestrials." Based on the enduring novel by H.G.

  • It's a damn good thing that most teenage aliens out there look exactly like humans, because otherwise, where the fuck in the universe would they hide when the aliens who DON'T look exactly like homo s

  • Here's the bad omen I got while sitting in the theater waiting for Charlie Sheen's new movie to start.